Poetry / my bug collection

This was a really powerful piece.  Somehow, I felt connected to your words without truly understanding the story behind them.  I thought the bee should have been a little more involved in your narrative because I’m not really sure what part he plays.  He bothered you then went away.  The fly and the butterfly offer powerful personality traits, but the bee seems to just exist in this world.  Nicely written.
Thanks.  Write on.

Cool piece.

Startling, amusing, engaging.

And ultimately rather tragic.

Really nice but it feels unfinished, like a stanza is missing.  The first verse is great.  Don’t change a thing there.  I would add a little to it for some resolution and sharpen your choice of words somewhat.  Nice job.

I enjoyed this piece.  I would think about dropping “then” from Line 5 and changing “so he just turned” to “so he simply became” in Line 15.  Very nice piece.

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November 03, 2006

by FrumpBurger

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actually it was originally “became” in like 15, but i used became a few lines up so i thought i was too redundant. i like yer suggestions tho

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Awesome.  I like that one.  So cute with the simple fact that heres one bug than another bug and then the last bug.  Really great perception with lots of humor.  

I liked this poem because it sounded as if a little kid was writing it. This reminded me of the Chimney Sweeper where a little kid is saying something and it comes off with a darker theme to it. I love the fact that you can easily find the theme, and definately enjoy the way the way that it was written. Good job!

Stanza one is close to perfect.  I think you could drop the and in the first sentence and it would read tighter.

Stanza two is a little rougher.  ”but he wasn’t brave enough to show it, though…” is awkward and the line meter seems off.

Stanza three don’t break on the word but..if you break on leave instead the line reads much stronger. And it leaves me thinking, “Too late for what?”  I almost think you need just a little more clarification there.

Overall, an interesting perspective.  I think it speak a lot about life and relationships.  Good luck with it.

wow. i really really ike this one! you are a great writer!

What a nice analogy: lovers to bugs. I especially like the first stanza, as the bee is flying around within this person’s “Safe space,” the living room, “Uncomfortably close.”  It works well, too, that once this bug is given a name, that is to say, once the narrator accepts him into her (or his?) house, the bee is the one who feels too close, and leaves the narrator alone.  THe strength of the first stanza is in its subtlety and it’s direct connection to things we see and ways we feel (threatened by a bee at first, then realizing it means no harm, accepting it, and in the end, forgetting about it, and so it leaves)  
However, this subtlety is lost in the second stanza.  Calling a bug an    alcoholic doesn’t personalize it like calling it Nathan does.  So once the shit-fly is called an alcoholic, he takes on wholy human characteristics and the thing that was reached for in the first stanza is sort of forced on to the reader in the second.  What if you were to have the narrator here speak to the fly, tell it to get out of the gin, instead of calling it an alcoholic?  Or what if the narrator were to find the fly in her drinks, constantly, (no one likes that!)?  
Lastly, the butterfly, usually thought of as a symbol of femininity, isn’t given any hint of personality, only an unexplained desire to have the narrator stay, and an inability to express his desire until the narrator has left.  
In conclusion: you show in the first stanza, your ability to master the use of analogy and symbolism.  That strength should be applied equally to the second and last stanzas for what I imagine will turn out to be a terrific poem.
Best of luck with your writing.