thanks for the read, and I’m glad you liked it so much. I like your reflection of I.D. being stolen, but as a metaphor, I.D. can be stolen, but one does not stop being a person, I think that’s what I was getting at – a new I.D. must emerge – something like that lol…
Poetry / SIR
Whenever you’re first
Called “Sir,” boy,
remember it. Slide your finger
through soggy cement;
carve it in bamboo,
or a Red Wood.
Tag it on an overpass.
Brand it on your arm,
or tat it across your chest.
Piss the date upon the sea.
Your wallet suddenly bulges,
though not necessarily from cash.
And you give away your posters,
and replace them with art
(eventually framed art).
More of your favorite songs are called flashbacks,
oldies, and finally, “classic.”
You begin wondering how you look when you dance.
Some of your clothes are older than nephews.
You start glancing at the left hands
of women;
and instead of fucking in back seats,
you have a room, maybe shower or kitchen –
Till at last you just roll over between commercials
neglecting condoms
because you now know the kind of birth control
she’s maybe on:
You know the protocol for abortion.
Slowly, you prefer rentals instead of parties.
And clubs get phased out for bars,
and then museums, Home Depot, and god forbid,
family fiestas and scrabble nights.
You memorize your social security,
bank accounts, and numerous pins.
You actually have a paper with boxes
dictating your actions for the next
hours, days, weeks…
You move up from 40s to six-packs,
then imported six-packs, till eventually,
you start drinking wine in color, region, year…
and yes, you eventually sip water between glasses.
You realize that meth
makes you sentimental, chatty, and empty.
And X turns you into a grinning clown.
Acid melts reality, and weed melts you.
And you actually learn to respect
One of your parents, or teachers:
Innocence dies with Santa Claus.
Nothing is ever as it was:
“When I grow up” immigrates
to the Far-Away-Land
of Once-Upon-a-Time.
Your identity has just been stolen,
SIR:
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
madiedoll reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This has some really tangible elements. I definitely notice when someone breaks out the MA’AM, and it really makes me want to turn around and see if they’re talking to some other older person behind me, and then I realize—again—that I am the older person…
I have absolutely nothing on the first stanza, it’s damn near perfect.In the second part, I would thrown in the word YOUR before the word nephews..it just clarifies the whole idea, and wouldn’t mess with the cadence.
You start glancing at the left hands
of women;
and instead of fucking in back seats,
you have a room, maybe shower or kitchen –
Till at last you just roll over between commercials
neglecting condoms
because you now know the kind of birth control
she’s maybe on:
You know the protocol for abortion.
That bit could use some shaping up, I hate to tell someone else how to word their writings, but I think in my hand it would be more like,
you find yourself looking at womens ring fingers,
wishing you could fuck her in a backseat
knowing she shouldn’t settle for less than your king size bed,
where you just roll over between commercials,
neglecting condoms
because you both know the protocol of abortions.
(I love scrabble.)
You move up from 40s to six-packs,
then imported six-packs, till eventually,
you start drinking wine in color, region, year…
and yes, you eventually sip water between glasses.
In that part I would use all the description of the wine to solidify your ever-growing knowledge on the subject—Italian whites, Oregon Pinot Noirs, Chilean reds, what have you…
In the part of the drug use—meth, X, etc. well, I could be wrong, but hopefully you learned BEFORE they called you sir, that those things turn you into a grinning ridiculous clown, so I think it could all be left out, or maybe just moved much more into a past tense, to put a bridge between you and that period of your life.
Last but not least—
Innocence dies with Santa Claus.
Nothing is ever as it was:
“When I grow up” immigrates
to the Far-Away-Land
of Once-Upon-a-Time.
This doesn’t seem to say exactly what I think you were meaning, but I would basically just bring the when i grow up to the here and now, if it were me.
Again, the last thought of the poem, like the beginning, is powerful, and succinct. An excellent idea to expound on…and you’ve done well…SIR.
I gave it an 8.
- add/view comments (1)
orlandoviana reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Man, first of all, happy b-day!
You could capture moments present in every man’s life with details. Just like memorizing ‘important’ numbers or missing a shag in back seats.
It seems nothings, but God lies on details! Once you express yourself through a common gesture or behavior, you get connected to those readers. They feel you are alike. That’s first step to success.
Take all the classic poets. They translated what everyone is able to feel, but a few can put down on words. And yeah, you made it in this piece.
Congrats!
There’s more…
“Innocence dies with Santa Claus.
Nothing is ever as it was:
‘When I grow up’ immigrates
to the Far-Away-Land
of Once-Upon-a-Time.
Your identity has just been stolen,
SIR:”
There’s something to consider in here. Your analogy is that identity is lost the moment you become “sir”, right? Now consider the opposite: you’re nothing until you’re named “sir”. I mean, perhaps we’re all “sirs”! We came to the world to become “sirs”. That’s our purpose here. And our past life – what comes before “sir” time – is just like a coma.
[No, I do not believe in any of the words written above. But I think we may consider possibilities.]
Again, congrats!
sgracan reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Although I’m not a ‘sir’, hearing my referred to as ‘ma’am’ the first time definitely created similar emotions. I love the subject and think the poem is good. I especially like the like ‘Innocence dies with Santa Claus.’
Cavity reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I’m adding this poem to my favorites because it made me laugh and was also stunningly true. Have a Happy Birthday, Sir. Great Job!
Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Enjoyable till the last four lines. They steals the from the journey.
ae reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
You know, I thought you had something else going on here at first, and it was so good I think you either need to make the morph more deliberate, or make two different somethings, because they’re both good.
It starts out with a sort of celebration of the random coming-of-age moment and the way it puffs a boy/young man … “carve it in bamboo or a Redwood” (its one word, BTW), “your wallet suddenly bulges” (you don’t even need the “not necessarily with cash” part.” It’s really great, just that, as the metaphor for “Yeah, that’s right, I’m SIR.”
But you veer off from coming of age to middle age, very suddenly with the songs becoming classics. Then it’s all about that from there on.
”...respect one of your parents” ... excellent. What’s with the colon after teachers? I think you want emigrate rather than immigrate.
Seriously, dude. You have two goodies there. Or one, if you just want the one, but massage that transition more.
Nice stuff.
onlywish reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Dam I can relate to this poem. So there goes any positive critiquing. I am now happily depressed. You have good writting along with talent.
November 04, 2006
Deleted User
Review of Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Love it! Been there, now there and you expressed the “growing pains” us baby boomers have felt. I loved this! Excellent. Thank you for sharing with us “baby boomers”.
rh
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Well you certainly made me feel different strong emotions through this. It’s moving.
debby_GREENEYEZ reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This piece is so true it hurts. The way you hit on the difference changes in our
lives. I almost wished that the person who
stole my identity was having more fun then
I was with it. I got the same feeling from
you’re poem. It is well written, and flows well.
Showing 1 - 10 of 15
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
15 Reviews 13 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
