too the point is a stretch.
Poetry / orgnized anarchy
the war rages, eternity in the making
and satan smiles
the streets over-run by blood & tears & salty urine
innocence?has it been washed away & eroded
in the happy slendor of chaos..
and satan smiles
they tear their flesh in agony
but theres nothing left to mourn
virgins can no longer be
sweet visionaries cant see
beyond the cut and bleeding
hands and fingers
held tight over their eyes.
the fire rages, rages, rages
smoke billows & overwealms.
the earth & everything below the earth
is frozen wilderness that kills the cornfields
& roses & marijuana plants,
they rott deathly & police reports are’nt filed.
humans survive on their sorrows, it doesnt feel wrong
when high, high, high above the mountaintops
a savior descends upon the insane battlefield
emanating white, projecting light
that is almost blinding, almost.
he swallows up the war & takes it unto himself
villagers appear decked in bright linnens & they rejoice
nestled in the white-green fields betwix crumbs of dirt
a universe smaller than the crabs infesting gods pubic hair
which is like wool, one invisibe to the naked eyes of warriors & angels
erupted in the mediocrity of true happiness
in the wake of organized anarchy, triumphant
over the greedy & manipulating
the careless & cavaliere
the pretentious & visionless
w/ their contagious anosia
the vindication over capatalism & materialism
& evil & heirarchy.
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LivnitupSince82 reviewed Version 1 -
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very descriptive, i like that! i see you must not like all this violence in america! the unjust reason for neglegeance is not needed in this society! i hate greedy and manipulative people! good write, i like the work!
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November 24, 2006
Deleted User
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it was very good i foudn a good them and a good contivity thought the whole very well written and i can promise you that is not something i say to many poets. keep up the good work
DorothyParker reviewed Version 1 -
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You’d win a war if you handed this to the soldiers to read, it’s got so many words, it makes my eyes bleed.
Constructive Criticism: Trim it down and spell correctly.
mochaxchicky reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem is so raw, straight-up, and to the point. You do a great job at keeping the same idea throughout the poem. I especially like how it keeps building and building this urgency, and anxiety that makes me want to skip ahead and see how it ends. Brilliant
fireballems reviewed Version 1 -
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you should continue the “and satan smiles” thing.
is frozen wilderness that kills the cornfields
should be
is a….
zariasmind reviewed Version 1 -
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aside from a few grammatical errors, i thought this poem was perfect. it just puts a beautiful spin on corruption.
Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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Gloomy! I want a sweet poem!
Kpalm reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoy the metaphors and similes used to convey your point, however unfortunately through it all the main point is lost. I believe with a little less emphasis on the comparisons, and a little more emphasis on specific details, the average reader will be able to enjoy this poem to its full extent. Very nice work.
November 10, 2006
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if you wanted to use this as the text of a modern mystic’s writing, i think you’d have to tighten it up a little, cause it’s sort of flabby and doesn’t read as inspiration. it’s not what you’re saying, but how much you’re saying it that turns it into a graphic novel. is there any one point that can shrink this into the microcosm and shoot it back out? — too many characters driving their own verses, and the words aren’t that friendly to each other, the images don’t get along.
only_poet_in_utah reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way you contrast social ills and the wrongs of the world we live in with an idea of salvation from an outside source. While I don’t normally enjoy abstract religious symbolism, you seemed to use it effectively here, and it did enhance what you were trying to do.
For the most part, the images were well-constructed enough to draw me in and make me want to read this piece to the end. The only thing I would really suggest to improve the imagery is to be more fresh and original… stay away from the classic “satan = bad, god = good” mentality. Use more urban images to bring this around to the reader in more complex terms.
Also, watch all your repetitions. ”The fire rages, rages, rages” seems a little over the top. It would work just as well written “The fire rages and rages” without hitting the reader over the proverbial head.
I’ll leave the spelling corrections to others.
I really enjoyed the final “vindication” message. This is the real place of power in your work, and the only thing that would make it better would be to really use more complex and fresh images to heighten the tension within the reader’s mind. We have to want that vindication at the end, want it bad, and this left me close, but not quite there.
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