Poetry / Happy? Never

Well I have to say that your emotions here are raw but they won’t capture the pity or attention of the reader. It just isn’t very deep and as far as the flow goes it wasn’t the best either. I’m guessing this isn’t a piece you put a whole lot of effort into. If you decide to use the emotional path to capture and audience you have to give me some imagery; SHOW me how you feel

HAH lemme guess youre twelve. dontchyu worry darlin.  just quitchyer yappin ya got 50 years left youre a sick fuck to think you never will be happy again. a miserable waste of life if this phase keeps up yes, BUT IT WON’T. so stoppit! stoppit now! nownownow, and quitchyer bellyachin, go ride a pony, go shmoke some herb, go for a walk go to the pet store and look at the puppies.  pet them for christ’s sake YOU ONLY LIVE ONE FUCKING TIME carpe diem mutherfucker.   and dont take too harshly to this.  its supposed to be all in good spirits.

A sad thought for a 17yr old that they will never be happy.  i think we all feel like this sometimes. . .  The wording was a little choppy, but i understand how you feel.  Keep writing!

There is nothing poetic about this peice beyond the line breaks.  Please experiment with the concepts of metaphore, simile, rhythm, colourful language, concrete imagery, etc.  I can tell that you have something to say, but this reads like a bit of melodrammatic telephone conversation.  Show, don’t tell.

there’s this song: “i want to be happy, but i won’t be happy, till i make you happy too”—it’s kind of tight and powerful, in its way.

“i will never be happy”... there’s also this song, “i’ll never be jealous again”. but, “never be” is pretty committing: like, as in, “never”, and i think you choked on the concept. which is maybe why the overwordy “the summary of my whole life” doesn’t work. it should, cause it’s like a joke off a business resume, but the whole form looks forced here. you could even go, and not lose anything except your voice, the entire “and it brings me to… my whole life—” and just have,

”... i’m still not happy,
past, present, & future
i will never be happy.”

keeping it simple is to show the gems in a better light.

apostrophes.

show, don’t tell

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November 07, 2006

by Deleted User

she’s showing her insides. it’s a poem.

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This poem begs the question of What? What is it that is creating the unhappiness. After a day spent feeling finally good, not wanting to curl up and die, and yet there is still unhappiness and the forboding thought that it will never happen… happiness. I enjoyed reading it for I can relate to it, and the sadness of it creates a longing that truly begs the reader to want to know more.

Normally, I wouldn’t score on content, but I recognize you immediately, and since I believe your reason for writing poetry is more about the content, more therapeutic than literary, it seems … HURRAY! 10 POINTS for that part of it!

Writing therapeutically is DOING SOMETHING about it.  It might be wallowing in it, but it also might be purging it, reviewing it, defining it, considering it.  It’s owning it.  And if you don’t own it, you can’t ever change it.

Buuuut, a tweak for authenticity, okay? No girl on the POM squad is NEVER happy.  You simply dismiss that happiness as illusory and phony, and assign a weightier veracity to your misery.  Stop doing that.  Love your small joys, where ever you find them, wherever you create them.  Realize that perhaps your main purpose right now is to bring light to the dangerous suffering of girls like you, the outcome of rapes, the consequence of parental denial.  Stop blaming and realize that YOU ARE SERVING A PURPOSE.

Indeed, my sister, you are kicking some ass.

And that makes you both worthy and useful.  And that’s worth being happy about.