Poetry / Giving Up

Okay, this piece is open and honest.  I think you could do so much more with it though.  I understand the message you convey and I really FEEL your pain and anguish in the piece.  It really made me feel sad for the person in the piece.  This doesn’t do any justice to your piece.  So, I think you can improve it by restructuring the lines and the form.  As I read the piece, it seemed jagged…it did not flow smoothly.  Also, maybe you can restructure the poem visually: spacing between lines, visual effects on the stanzas, etc.  Just a thought. I really wanted this poem to STAND OUT and send out the message dramatically to the reader.  The message is so reflective and hauntingly honest…but the structure distracts from it…I think.  Thanks for sharing your piece.

Very sorrowful poem with such emotion.  I love symbolism, so the “sealed and ready” part caught me (a tangible letter sealed and ready symbolizing the intangible life being sealed).  I really like the line “between the people I am” because a lot of people can relate to that.  So many people have many different faces, and sometimes it pulls us down having to be more than just ourselves.  I can definitely relate, as I’m sure so many people can.  You are a very talented writer, especially for your age.  Awesome and very moving poem.

Better than some, worse than others. Suicide is a wretched thing no matter which way you look at it. That’s a fact. It’s kind of “teenage angst” (no offense intended, I’m just saying what everyone is thinking). If you really want to write something that no one has ever written before, try thinking about the actual act of committing suicide-the process, the thoughts during, etc…not that I would like you to get into method acting-that would be bad. but try something different, a new perspective. otherwise, you will put your reader to sleep. It’s a “been-there-done-that” type thing. As rude and sad as that is, it’s a truth. People are tired of teenagers talking about committing suicide. Although some actually do it, it’s not really something that should be put down on paper anyway. Maybe that’s cruel, but seriously, this kind of stuff is predictable. I’m asking you to pull something out of your head that is more unique. You’ve got talent. You’re just putting it into ideas that are taking you in the wrong direction. I’m not asking you to write about pretty bunnies and flowers, just something less overused. Or atleast more cleverly written. Either one suits me.

Straight and to the point. Sometimes that’s not always best, but for this it seems good.

Definitely gives the clear message that the person is contemplating suicide something I know all to well…I was a little confused with the line tonight will be the end of this internal battle between the people I am because it almost seems like the speaker suddenly achieved split personality…maybe it should be the person I am instead. Other than that I think the poem is put together very well and really drag s in the reader into the mind of the speaker who is obviously depressed. Maybe give a reason behind this depression or something along that line.

I like how it goes. It will leave someone thinking (and no not just me.) It doesn’t tell too much but it still reveals the whole story. Way to go!

wow. The pain in this poem just oozes from the page. It also makes me wonder what is the secret life that will be revealed once the end comes. That part of the poem explains the line, “between the people I am” – really cleared that up.
Nicely done

Good flow and good delivery.  I have some issues with the punctuation and how they affect the pace but it is not really necessary to go over…

I do want to point out that by saying this: “this internal battle
between the people i am”  you imply that you are only two people as opposed to more.  Know what I mean?  Between vs. among.

Also, to have a deeper and more powerful impact, try writing this in the present tense and not future.  Think about it: if the note was already under the door, we would have immediate tension that the deed is just about to be done.  Waiting until “tonight” gives the reader an emotional cushion of time to deal with your pain.  Hope you get what i am trying to say.  

This really captures a dark emotion.

“tonight will be the end
of this internal battle
between the people i am”

Those lines got to me….they tease, they hint at a dark depth but they don’t give it all away.

Keep writing.

I find htis poem disturbing but strangely compelling.  As a poem, I wouldn’t change much but as a mindset, I would try to get past this grief you are experiencing.  Life is long and always changes.  Just write your way through it.  I know it’s not very constructive but that is how the poem moved me.  I’ve been there, long ago.

Good luck.