Journalism / the individual and the whole 3

Definitely not journalism. However, you do add in plenty of worthwhile details for this piece. It moves well with the imagery you provide. If you’re going to write somethign that flows on water, the words, I guess,  can either be simple or complicated. I would do what you did and keep it simple. It reads much like poetry. If you like writing this sort of material, that seems to move on the page, poetry is a great start. I don’t write it, but many like you do. I hope some of these thoughts helped. I wish you  luck with this.

I had trouble rating this because I see it as a poem much more than anything else. You may be trying too hard to make the rhythm of the sentences maych the movement of the water, and I think you’d be more successful at achieving that effect if you made it a poem. I think, also, that you need to work on the mid-section. I’m confused by each droplet meeting its demise and …”entering the same pool of water that they once came from.” You then go on to describe their further journey down into the earth. This section lost me, and I think you need to look closely at the logic of it. Otherwise, I think you have a good start…now get to work on it. Good luck.

I like the concept but i felt like i was reading a science journal. I like when you wrote… “slowly starts a quest down, down, the slippery ice of glass” I dont like the fact you used the word “hydrogen” 3 or 4 times.

I think these are good descriptions; however, it seems this subject matter would be most appropriate for concrete poetry, where the stanzas themselves assume forms actually mimicing the rain and rivulets you are describing…

I kinda liked this piece. First of all I am glad that you stated it wasn’t meant to be a journalism piece, that is the first thing I would have criticized. Second of all, most of it did  flow like water, I wouldn’t have known it was supposed to if you hadn’t stated it. Maybe you should separate it into a poem, change lines where each wave changes, or each drop fell. I would then put it into the poetry category. I hope that helped some. Good luck.

This is a good attempt at flowing like water for the most part. The short sentences that appear here and there work against you. If you want to be like water, make each sentence flow smooth and perhaps use more run-ons. As a creative piece, don’t worry about the periods. Use more commas and (...) to keep the mood flowing. Try not talking about the water too much. Use more discriptions. Talking about the compounds can come off a little stiff, solid…not like water. Good luck with it, you seem to be headed in the right direction.

I think you totally accomplished what you set out to do.  Your descriptions are perfect.  I could actually see what you were writing about, thinking about the last rainy day and how the rain drops did exactly what you described.  An excellent piece.