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Non-fiction / Reflections On An Evening
I sit here. The granite finally feels colder than hot. The grass is cool, almost damp. Dark green, interspersed with some yellow deadening, twigs, clovers, rough patches. Not necessarily barefoot grass, not idealistic in any sense. But it seems to lend crispness to the air; it seems to lower the atmosphere a degree or two, darken the very trees and stones existing in its verdure. Naturally, evening is descending. The sun drops behind the distant building, and its aura blanches the roof. It’s a strange muted color. It’s a kind of dull resignation, as if its pallid body were slipping into a lukewarm bathtub, shedding its bright canary robe. And somewhere on the opposite side of the continent, an achy worker summons himself up to the foggy, medieval shroud of near day-break. But does that, should that, matter now? I am warm irrevocably. The sun’s fading light retracts from my face, falling upon another stranger’s eyes.
The sun raises a stranger every morning
But night consoles us with her familiar touch.
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Ocean_Avenue16 reviewed Version 1 -
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Was this prose? It reads almost like a poem, it flows. And most descriptions are boring and redundant… but you described the evening just well. And in the end tying in a very simple point that makes readers think… I loved this.
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margaritaceres reviewed Version 1 -
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Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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This has a steady tempo and I felt pulled along, which is the way I like it. Telling us what it was like as well as it was not, wove the adjectives together nicely. Key words laid out like skipping stones from one sentence to another, relieving the tension, while describing a unique sun down. “day-break” was the only noticeable error (daybreak), but the way you have it can be allowed too. A very enjoyable poem and story.
AnonEmotus reviewed Version 1 -
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Awesome imagery (as usual)! Short, yet laden with a multitude of adjectives that allow the reader to experience the piece with all five senses…
“It’s a kind of dull resignation, as if its pallid body were slipping into a lukewarm bathtub, shedding its bright canary robe.” I love this simile.
“The granite finally feels colder than hot.” Maybe I’m being over-analytical, but you expect the granite to be hot?...and evening is descending upon you….
I like the ending lines, very poetic.
fiddybinkin reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful! And I can’t help but notice the metaphorical nature of the piece. Death and Life, Night and Day.
You have a melodic flow to your words that kept me engaged. Nicely done.
SoulSide reviewed Version 1 -
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The imagery of this work made me feel like I was there, and that’s saying a lot. Very good work and I think you should keep up something in this vein and do more. You clearly have a lot of writing talent and can describe something in a wonderful way. Keep up the work!
robbynhahn reviewed Version 1 -
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Lovely imagery, the kind that actually gets the senses involved. I was surprised by the “I” and “my” near the very end there, and then even more surprised to see that the whole short-short had started with a pronoun. The bulk of the piece reads as a sort of detached narrator to me. How would this sound with the pronouns totally removed, “Sitting here, the granite feels colder than hot.” . . . matter now? The sun’s fading light retracts, falling upon another stranger’s eyes.” For example.
jlcampbell reviewed Version 1 -
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This sounds so familiar to me… wondering if this is a second rendition. Love the ironic imagery and the metaphoric references. How can the granite feel colder than hot (love that paradox, by the way) and yet the narrator feels warm irrevocably by the sun’s fading light? Thought provocative. Good job and write on!
J.L. Campbell
www.jlcampbellbooks.com
December 16, 2006
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Simply beautiful! I love the descriptions you made! The reader can really visualize everything in their minds! Absolutely splendid! Thank you for the read! =-)
allyfan45 reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece of prose which was really poetic and used good descritptive words as well as good metaphors. I found the piece very entertaining as well as creative.
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