Emphasis. Why does everything have to be absolutely necessary? There is such a thing as repetition for emphasis.
Poetry / Everything is Clear
I can see the trees behind the trees
More clearly than ever before.
My soul is thrown through some divining prism;
As a ray of sun through a rain drop,
Or a flourescent light through glass.
She kneels, I swear she kneels,
And gives away her precious kisses
On her knees,
But only to the steeple.
Tears that burn
No tears at all.
Tears in apathy,
No fears at all.
Through the grey clouds
Everything is clear
And she feels warmth breaking through.
The clouds part and that same warmth,
That at first caressed,
Now beats.
But now God is tormenting her
And the Devil offers no solace.
She turns inward, turns outward,
Twists and turns in agony,
Fills her stomach, breaks her heart.
But I see everything clearly now.
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Durian reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a poem about entering into a new spiritual awareness. Whether it’s “tree’s behind the trees” or “forest for the trees”, none the less, it’s excavation. The prism, ray, yada, yada, represents a spiritual bliss.
Are you Catholic?
Tears that burn
No tears at all.
Tears in apathy,
No fears at all.
Tears for fears? Weepy sentiments like this should be worded differently.
You arrive in a comfortable place that is unsettled by the duality of Satan and God. There is potential here perhaps for you personally, a synthesis that could in reality become an authentic new awareness for you. Just a guess.
As poetry, it gave me something to think about but the writing seemed sophomoric in places and also pandering to your own personal angst. I’m impressed though that you are seeking clarity and awareness beyond duality.
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ernesto reviewed Version 1 -
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In the first stanza,the most important stanza,the third line is just a little bit too long,perhaps you could trim some words so that it will flow better and in the 4th stanza I think the line-”The clouds part and that same warmth,”
disturbs the flow a bit as well.Maybe change ’that same’ to simply,’the’?
missdeborahlee reviewed Version 1 -
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The first line is a little prose-like. Your use of tree twice throws it off a little.
I like the analogy of the prism to the flourescent light.
You’re using a lot of repetition in this poem, and I think it takes away from the general feeling of the poem, if some of the excess was cut out, it would flow better.
ae reviewed Version 1 -
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Jesus Christ.
“Tell me what you think, honestly.”
I think you’re not any kind of 17 years old like it says at the top of the page, so, uh … so much for honesty.
But this poem is so fucking good it moves me to profanity. I would go back to school and study anatomy if it would help me understand why this poem works. I would suffer tutelage in Engineering 101. I would endure calculus. I would pay. I would.
This poem is so good that it’s actually WORTH nitpicking.
End of the first stanza: take out the “a” before fluorescent. It doesn’t take the article, in pretty much the same way a ray of sunlight DOES.
The second stanza would be silly, I swear it would, if it wasn’t for “I swear she kneels,” which not only saves it, it actually nominates it for sainthood. Except that steeple crack brings it down. You don’t need it. Most people will infer a particular meaning from the fact that she’s kneeling anyway, so it ends up looking like you’re trying to be wink-wink with us (which I think you are, leading readers towards inferring one thing, when you’re actually writing about another.) And of course, I could be wrong in my entire read of the thing. But I’m not.
I can’t decide about the rhyme in the middle or not. I do sort of like the audacity of it, but then … no. If you dispensed with the rhyme and just said “Without fear” that might work. On the other hand, if you just repeated “no tears at all” after the apathy line, that could work too.
After ”...clouds part and that warmth,” you don’t want that comma. It takes no comma unless you use the word “which” instead of “that.”
This part…
She turns inward, turns outward,
Twists and turns in agony,
Fills her stomach, breaks her heart.
...is so good I want to throw up. It makes me ache, viscerally. Oh my dog, is that good. It gets a ten in SPITE of the nits. How is that possible?
-—-
I pulled this off the anon queue, but I just realized whose work this is. I’d bet my life on it. Holy smokes. If you didn’t have a God, you’d be a terror. (I don’t know why all my compliments to you are termed in pejoratives. It’s something like the way babies are so adorable you want to bite them, with a little awe mixed in.)
Leave breadcrumbs, kid. I want to follow your trail.
Dainakat reviewed Version 1 -
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I in some ways missed the point of the poem but in other ways I felt that I understood it. I can’t tell exactly what the poem is about but it really made me feel good like no matter how much pain I’m in life is going to get better. It’s nice to know there’s someone in the world who can write depressing/dark poetry but still make it smile in the end.
Vincent_Gosheaf reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the style and the story behind the poem, it flows well and doesn’t drift off into nothing.
one thing that I didn’t like quite so much was the first line, I can see the trees behind the trees.
I think that a strong first line helps a poem and it isn’t as effective to use the same word twice, great poem though!
MamaReen reviewed Version 1 -
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mmm, this is a good one, seeing clearly is HARD so kudos to you. I love the inward outward view.
vellina reviewed Version 1 -
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“She kneels, I swear she kneels,” you said she does it, so why did you feel the need to add? this was confusing to me. i felt like there just wasn’t enough.
Cazzidy reviewed Version 1 -
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I’d have to say the first line of the poem almost lost me. It didn’t do much to make me want to keep reading. Maybe replacing the second reference to trees would help? I do like the first reference to the trees though. One of my favorite lines in this poem is “She kneels, I swear she kneels”. This seems to carry great emotion, I think it gives this poem strength. I think that the following lines are OK…though the repetition of “On her knees..” seems misplaced. The last line of the poem doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t think it should begin with “but”, and the resolution doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the journey. With some fine tuning; I think you have a great start to a great work!
Pdoxologue reviewed Version 1 -
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The last 2 lines of the first stanza are superfluous since the reader would probably understand what you’re saying without further explaination. The poem is a solid piece & worded well. Good work.
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