Haha it’s not a sequel…it’s named after a painting by Magritte. It’s basically about a middle aged couple. The embalming fluid is actually alcohol…yeah…I know kinda weird but yeah and the black box is the television.
Short Story / The Lovers Pt 2
A silence clung to them like a damp, moldy blanket. It was both suffocating and foul. Disgust between them came from all the secrets that had festered and made them ill. But was it out of fear that they were silent? Silence does indeed grow more powerful in the presence of fear, but no. Such was not the case between these two. A weariness and apathy held dominion over them.
Such weariness can only come from years of struggle without resolution. When two become one they cannot be torn apart but instead they rot slowly from the inside. In the end they crumble together. The parasite in this tall strong tree is lies. Lies consume slowly but surely.
The stench of clear, delicious embalming fluid filled the dark room. There is a light in this dark room, illuminating from a black box. The embalming fluid and that small light kept the dead from further decay but sacrificed unto the altar so much more.
He smiled at her, a shrug of a smile, a courtesy smile and then proceeded to change the channel.
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scottlyon2003 reviewed Version 1 -
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The best part of this story, by far, is the phrase “a shrug of a smile” – that’s perfect. That phrase captures the entire mood – it’s a semi-apathetic expression just for show.
I’d suggest rewriting the story around that. I understand the decay in the relationship, the embalming fluid that keeps it from completely disintegrating. But the theme of a rotting relationship has been done so many times before, it’s worth a nod, but then move on. You could really “show” the rot – the place on the wooden table where once fresh flowers sat is now barren, occupied now by a thin sheen of dust. Where candles once made the room flicker, it was now the off-white sheen from the television screen. Something along those lines. You have talent, so let’s see if you can accentuate what makes this story good!
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November 14, 2006
Deleted User
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Well I like it but I can’t grasp it. I get the majority of it until the “Embalming fluid” and the “black box”. The channel change tried to clarify it but failed in my mind. It’s good but I admit I haven’t read part one. I can’t really rate this without reading part one, or any consecutive parts. For that reason, I’m gonna go ahead and give it a higher score and try to find the other “parts”, because it definately has potential. Just can’t really tell what that potential is going to do. =\ I’m off to find part one.
allycat135 reviewed Version 1 -
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I would refrain from asking questions within a body of prose that you consider to be a short story. You have the start of some really nice detail in your work, but make sure your sentences are tight. Right now they have a kind of choppy feel that breaks up the flow, especially at the first paragraph. I also wonder why the almost exaggerated tone of power is taken, like with the use of words “dominion.” It seems to trivialize the piece by not directly fitting in with what is going on.
Brunny reviewed Version 1 -
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No notes so read as written, with so few words it is hard to really give much an ongoing critique and the title itself suggests pt 1 might answer some questions.
I felt you were possibly trying too hard to use difficult words that didn’t always fit the senario, the senario itself wasn’t clear mainly due to the lack of words.
I’d suggest if pt 1 & 2 or the same length combine them, give us something to get our teeth into.
The writting is very much keeping a distance from the reader, it doesn’t engage for example
‘Disgust between them came from all the secrets that had festered and made them ill’
what secrets had festered, were they really ill either physically or mentally or emotionally – you don’t show us this but expect us to accept it.
I will seek out part one and see if I can add more help.
Hope this helps a little some where, best wishes
Celee reviewed Version 1 -
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I get the feeling that this is about the sort of couple who stick to eachother because they are too passive to do anything about it, to be elsewhere than where they are. And eventually the things they don’t tell each other become what is. They become the truth.
mcneecea reviewed Version 1 -
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The imagery doesn’t hit the mark. They are creative but are so odd that nobody knows what a wet moldy blanket feels like over their head. Use that creativity to take a real, mainstream human experience and twist is a little.
I know what you are doing and it is worth it.
Good Luck
imsomeone reviewed Version 1 -
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A very grim piece! I really liked it, though. You paint really good pictures and the comparison between the silence and and the moldy blanket is ingenious. I think your poem aptly describes the relationship between an older couple who have begun to tear each other apart from sheer promiximity to one another. You piece leaves me curious to know more about the two and the “parasite” which is lies and how both of the person’s situations relate to each other. The section about the embalming fluid was pretty overwhelming, just the imagery that comes to mind and how it relates. A very good poem!!! The ending, in comparison to the rest of the poem, makes it seem a little bit lighter, and reminds the reader of the perspective of the story.
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