I’m glad you were able to appreciate the way I wrote this piece, because it did come from the heart and my memory as I typed it.
K, no more pizza ;P
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Short Story / Scary dream I had
Thursday, July 20, 2006
“Doom is here.” He said, rushing past me to go tell the others. We all knew it had been coming, the world was acting strange these past few months. The sky was different, clouds traveled fast, but on several different channels of wind. It looked strange. There were visible holes in the sky, rips, tears, whatever you want to call them. On the news yesterday they reported how a celebrity couple’s home was smack dab underneath one of the holes in the sky, and the temperature in that area boiled. It was so scary. Doom came in the form of a giant tidal wave. The last thing I remember is being on the balcony of a hotel resort with other people who were suposed to be my family and friends (I didn’t recognize any of them). So we watched as the inevitable happened and nobody knew what to do “This is going to be the hugest tsunami the world has ever seen.” the same man said to me that had rushed past me a few minutes prior. We all just stood and watched and waited for it to hit us. It was so huge and scary, I remember thinking frantically “Will I die immediately? Should I hold my breath?” And thankfully my cell phone rang and woke me up, at 4 a.m. Another private caller and I don’t answer those.
So that was a dream I had two nights ago, I was just reminded of it when I heard a loud jet in the sky. I’ve also had one dream where the end of the world came in the form of a big meteor/comet. And another in the form of an atom bomb. Woot. All three of these dreams have been hella visually detailed. In this last one the Earth’s climate had just run amock, there were several different things going on in the sky, in the air, with the ocean, etc. and it had become apparent the end was near. In the one where the meteor/comet is coming towards Earth, it was nighttime I was staring at it head on, it was a huge round fireball in the sky, it had a ring of fire around it. When it broke into the Earth’s atmosphere, it produced a large “BOOM” and sent invisible ripples through sky…. like waves.
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txblondie525 reviewed Version 1 -
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burn reviewed Version 1 -
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As you said, this was originally a blog post and it definitely feels more like a blog post than a short story.
The second paragraph, especially, drifts too far away from what had been the subject of the story. A short story should be about one thing and each single part of the story should come together to form a cohesive whole.
Instead of describing your dreams as you would in a blog post, you should choose one of your dreams and make it real. Describe it in the third person, add detail to the setting, create a world for the story. The reader should feel like they are in the dream, not that they are hearing you describe the dream.
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cursorblock reviewed Version 1 -
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I think knowing the fact that shortly after you posted this an incident the likes of which hasn’t been seen in modern history occurred is quite chilling. I like the roughness of this. The quick ideas being written down as if still fresh in your mind.
The last line comparing the meteor to the tsunami is especially a nice way to tie the two together and end this.
I sure hope your other nightmares don’t come true. Don’t eat anymore pizza after 8pm please.
jlcampbell reviewed Version 1 -
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Hopefully, you’ve just seen too many movies, like Armegeddon and Day After Tomorrow. Considering some current events, the jury is out on that, though. I enjoyed stepping into your imagination if not briefly, but was hoping for something a little more decisive with the “from start to end” aspect of the short story. This might be more appealing to would-be readers of blogging/journals if this is indeed a true dream/nightmare. Overall, I enjoyed your writing, glad you were woken at 4 AM by a private caller (rather suspicious, wouldn’t you say?) and would look forward to reading a longer version of this down the line. Best wishes and write on!
J.L. Campbell
mstreet reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not sure if I would call this a short story, but it is interesting. Is this something that really happened to you? You sound like you have a large phobia about the end of the world. The writing is rough as you said it would be. Did you really get a call a 4 am that woke you from this dream? You could take what occurred in your dream and really turn it into a short story using characters and dialogue. Also, you would need to be a lot more descriptive so that the reader really feels what is going on. How scary!
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