yes, you understand this piece perfectly, thank you
Lyrics / Shards in my wine glass
Could I possibly just have one more…
Glass
One more shard possibly
Of your emotions
Flowing through my hands and this
Glass this
Wine this
This
Taste of nothing and a whole life passing through
My lips
Onto my tongue and out of my mouth again
Don’t tell me your glass is half full
Don’t play that half empty game with me
You have plenty of years of drinking yourself
Under that very same table
Your first and only love before me was killed
Killed by a drunk driver when you were
Only 15 and we ALL fucking know
How a heart breaks
How a glass breaks
How those shards can only put
ThemSELVES
Back together when YOU want them to
Choose now
Choose me
Choose fire
Choose passion
Choose the right pattern
The right swirl
And boquet
Of me
Again you tell me this is too
Rich
Could I possibly
Convince you of my ineptitude so you
Could see this
Pain this
Love this
This
Feeling of emptiness and fulfillment passing through
My heart
Into my soul and out of my mouth again
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nomadicblur reviewed Version 1 -
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this sounds more like an epitath
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MorbidAngel87 reviewed Version 1 -
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I would like to say that this is fantastic writing. The flow is phenomonal and could see every minute detail you describe. Throughout I thought of a wine glass of blood, chipped and cracked on a black cloth. I guess that just goes to show that you were so clear and so descriptive, that I just couldn’t keep my mind from imagining something dark and beautiful.
Outstounding job.
Ps-I also think you will certainly achieve your goal of being published in a magazine.
jsiler68 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the image of the shard. I think that’s how it feels when we are hurting, like our emotions are being cut with shards of glass. I do find that you use the wine/wine glass idea in different ways through out the poem. I like it in some ways but in other ways, I find it jarring as it disrupts the flow of the poem. The first stanza is amazing. Like how it feels when we drink air and when someone talks to us but doesn’t really tell us anything about themselves, how they are the same. We just want them to share (their wine, themselves, etc) so we are not drinking air.
You switch then to the half-empty idea which is funny and works, but has such a different feel than the first stanza. It could almost be written by a different person.
I would take out the line about how his love was killed by a drunk driver becuase it intrudes on the poem. I like the part where you talk about how we all know how it feels when the glass breaks, etc.
I also like the last two stanzas, asking him to take action, choosing you and not just choosing you but choosing to fill your glass with meaning and not just shards.
itzhilda reviewed Version 1 -
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It definitely has a good flow to it. If the song ever made it big, I could see myself listening to it.
sadaxa reviewed Version 1 -
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This shows good imagery. I like the analogy of wine and love, especially in this context. However, this section bothers me a little:
“Your first and only love before me was killed
Killed by a drunk driver when you were
Only 15 and we ALL fucking know”
It seems like it is stuck in there to explain the rest of the poem to the reader. I think you could show this without coming right out and telling. This poem is specific to an experience you had but could be generalized to the greater public to a point where many people can relate.
_lisamarie_ reviewed Version 1 -
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I think that with some work, this could definately be published in a magazine. I like how you tied the last three lines in with the last ones of the first paragraph, by almost repeating yourself, yet having a slight variation. I am a little confused by the line “Your first and only love before me was killed” because I am not sure whether you are insinuating you are one of this person’s loves, because it seems that you are also saying that this person has had only one love. So I find myself slightly unsure of what this line is trying to say. I could picture this as a wonderful song, with some work. I like the style that you used, and a like the message that you are portraying.
smash54 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. Your comparisons to wine and shards of broken glass, a life shattered and broken. Very powerful stuff. I especially like the opening verse and how it may be sung. Cool!
Siren85 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very cool song indeed. I’m definately feeling the Difranco on this one. I loved the lines,
“Don’t tell me your glass is half full
Don’t play that half empty game with me.” Very smart. My only criticism here is that you may want to have the chorus (which I’m assuming is the, glass half full/half empty game segment) in the song again at least one more time. Oh yeah… I guess I have some additonal criticism… when you go into the,
“Choose now
Choose me
Choose fire…” segment, you could probably use more of a wine related theme for these words. You’ve already got swirl and boquet in there, which I think you’ve done quite well…but the other words dont really seem to fit the rest of the song for me.
Do you have any guitar written for this? It would be awesome to hear how you would put this piece together.
Great job and keep up the writing.
bigstarnow reviewed Version 1 -
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I hated it until I realized it was lyrics. As if bad writing in lyrics is justified. It’s not bad just not great. It does have a sense of urgency, anger, and masochism. I wish I could hear it.
grmedaco reviewed Version 1 -
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I personally don’t care for cursing in work like this. However as lyrics go, to really appreciate it I think it would need music to do it justice. I do like the reality check with the reference of dirnking and driving.
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