yes, I definately have a lot to write about lost love so…here ya go!
Poetry / We're alone....This day
Do you actually acknowledge the
Reasons we stick together when
We’re alone
Stick together like two ships of skin
Held together with so much cannon fire and rope
As to be confused in the fray of
Kisses and caresses as
One being, one light, one love
We fight and don’t care
What cameras, lights, masses
Catch us in our actions of escape
Do you even still want me here or
Have I made too many desperate choking mistakes when
We’re alone
“what was it about that night”
“conection in an isolating age”?
Do you connect my love
Do you connect the songs I love
Connect them with us?
I am so unsure as to risk my court sanctioned relationship
Tell them I have too much love to share
Then you “break it off”?
Break is a beautific word
Phrases I could wrap it up in don’t begin to describe
What we’re doing
Or what we’ve done
We could do oh so much more
Are we just frozen in time
Fantasizing our dreams
Or are we
Really here experiencing
All the literal ups downs rights lefts of
This day?
Don’t take this away from me when it is so new
I know what I want from you
Trying to be fair to your heart is
Almost killing mine
I am a patient person now
You don’t seem to understand what that has
Taken from me and given to you
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DariaRose reviewed Version 1 -
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While this reads a bit like journal poetry, it is a powerful piece that tangles the reader in the intricacies of decietful indulgence and the fallibility and frailty of the human heart.
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only_poet_in_utah reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice use of the language, though for some reason I had the lyric “love is a battlefield” running through my head from the second stanza on. I really did enjoy the action of sex being compared to a naval battle… it was unique, I give you that.
I had a hard time moving on from that stanza, though. I think this would have made a great piece ending with the line “Have I made too many desperate choking mistakes when / We’re alone?” The piece seemed to get random after that, almost questioning things that the reader has little to no background to connect with. I think you could go two ways here: either make the background story, the “court sanctioned relationship” (which is a great way to describe an unhappy marriage), a little more clear, or take this out entirely, and end with the “choking mistakes” line.
Your images were awesome and clear, well thought out and well-constructed. I think all that really needs further developing is your theme. I’m sure there’s a powerful message here, but I think it may be lost and need some digging to really bring it out.
Lahana_Mysteria reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this poem,The best line “Trying to be fair to your heart is
Almost killing mine” If only minds could be read and feelings could be seen on the sleeve for all to see.No more confusion.Great job :)
TheEmoLoser reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice poem! I liked what you choose to write about. It was really good, I like how you used words and mixed them around in there. Really good!
I like the ending paragraph part too. It begins good and goes good till the end, Nice Job!
smash54 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good. Lost love, and love in general, always make for some good prose. But you elevate this to something more than just loss. This is truly art. Great work!
icomeanon reviewed Version 1 -
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The premise is good, but i’m concerned with the lengthy lines. My suggestion would to be to slim the lines down. Take lines such as “Held together with so much cannon fire and rope” and break it down into two lines, so that emphasis can be easily understood. I really love that line. It is powerful imagery, but i think it could stand for some more emphasis. There are other lines that I feel could be broken down in that same way. This will strengthen the poem and the reader will have an easier time of grasping ideas. Your second and third stanzas are pretty powerful, but the others seem weak in comparison. Your weakest stanza is what makes the poem, not the strongest. Keep that in mind.
Jscott reviewed Version 1 -
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A few spelling mistakes here. “Conection” in the fourth stanza second line is spelled with two n’s, and in the fifth stanza fourth line im not sure if your trying to spell “beautiful” or “beatific”.
Anyone aside from simply spelling errors i liked the poem. A lot of it, was just fused with raw emotion, and i like that. Although you always have to be carful when writing a poem like this because sometimes it sounds like rambling. I think you did a pretty good job staying away from that but you always have to be carful.
But anyway overall good job i liked it.
vellina reviewed Version 1 -
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this is deep and i can see it being said to the stars at night. the ship part confused me, but i just didn’t put the metaphor together right away. wonderful words and truth put lovely.
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