The way I really saw it, was that she wasn’t scared to death” but that she tried to remain calm and think.
Short Story / Uninvited Guest (Analysis)
Water cascaded over her, her face turned into the spout. She jerked her head out and peaked around the shower curtain and listened.
What had that sound been? She heard it again quickly, the sound of something moving around in the house. The cat, she decided quickly, knowing the feline was normally running around about this time, but then she saw it.
The cat sat on the water tank of her toilet licking his paw like he belonged there. Then she heard it again, louder. The Siamese cat stopped grooming himself and looked up, eyes wide and turned his head toward the wall.
She looked toward it as well, and heard another sound. The sound of someone walking around. Her heart leapt into her throat and she fought hard to think, watching the cat that was still staring at the wall.
She could turn off the water, but then that would alert who ever was inside, and she knew most burglars only cared about the stuff they could get to, but then didn’t they also wait until the occupants were away?
She turned to the contents of her shower caddies, soap, bar soap, a regular shaving razor, and about three bottles of shampoo and two of conditioner. The soap probably wouldn’t be much help; wet the bar would slip out of her hands too badly and would break too easily if she tried to hit the intruder. The razor was too short, and she doubted any self-respecting criminal would be frightened off by a woman’s razor. Her best bet would be one of the hair care containers. They were heavy enough to hurt if she threw it, and if she had to she could try to squeeze the contents into the thief’s eyes.
She looked at the cat again. He’d moved now to the door that was cracked open enough that a feline body could slink through, and she knew whoever was inside knew there was a light on in the bathroom if not hear the water running.
She glanced around the bathroom, what else could she use for defense? Her clothes where in her bedroom, the dirty clothes she had had where in the hamper in her laundry room, and the only phones where in the living room, her room and her office, all too far away from the bathroom which was on the farthest side of the house.
The cat stuck his head around the door, and then quickly pulled it back, hissing loudly. She stiffened but only for a second, and quickly reached for the largest, fullest bottle of shampoo, opened the lid and pointed it, just as the intruder burst through the door, making the cat jump back a foot off the floor and streak through under the guys legs almost, but not quite, tripping him up.
Some attack cat. She thought somewhere in the back of her mind as she squeezed the bottle hard and quick, and a stream of white shampoo traveled in an arc just short of the man who stood in front of her. She threw the bottle hard hitting him in the face.
Not even noticing the fact she was wet and still nude, she flung the shower curtain to one side and reached up for the shower head and pointed to the man who was still reeling from the hit to the head, and turned it to the hottest degree she could. The scream from the intruder told her it hit home. She reached up, pulled the shower curtain hard and threw it over the trespasser’s head, reached for the closest thing she could find another bottle of shampoo and holding it like a dagger and cuffed where she figured the man’s head would still be.
Chaos of water, soap, and shower curtain covered the bathroom’s tile floor making it slippery and seemed to be working with her bringing the man to his knees. She lightened up only enough that could look around, she needed something stronger, something harder to hit him with. Then she found it, the bar that had held up the shower curtain was only lodged against the wall, nothing exactly holding it up; it had been pulled to where it was barely hanging on. Risking the time, she reached over and pulled the bar all the way down, and held it like a staff, raising it high over her head, she watched for a second as the man still tried to get his footing, fighting with the curtain that was draped over him, then let the bar fall hard with a thudding resonance. She stood, her feet wide apart to guard from the recoil, raising the bar again as the man slumped, tried to stand again, then fall to the tile.
She stood still, the bar still raised high watching the pile on her floor waiting for any tell tale signs of movement, the sight of the door opening again made her jump, dropping the bar it made a clinking and clunk as it hit the tile and the man again. She looked up into the eyes of her cat who sat there in the doorway washing his paws.
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IowaDreams reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the start but its a little open ended both at the beginning and end. I think this story is really missing the Who? Who is she? It’s hard to care about the character if I know nothing about her though I can certainly feel for her circumstances. It’s a good start but its not yet a story. I would metaphorically say you have the meat, so its time to go back and slip the meat between the bread (beginning and end).
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specjalista reviewed Version 1 -
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gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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mm_storyteller reviewed Version 1 -
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I hate to say I disagree with your mom. I believe this could very well happen, but it would not be as likely. When in the shower people normally feel vulnerable, not thinking about defense but about escape when faced with an ultimatum. I would say your character, if developed further, would have to be a strong willed, confident woman. She would need strength to pull the curtain off the rod and then the rod down. Interesting short story. I could see it being a small piece to a much larger tale. Good luck!
Keep writing,
mm_storyteller
tarleisio reviewed Version 1 -
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fmwrites reviewed Version 1 -
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dreamer57 reviewed Version 1 -
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It was short, sweet and I enjoyed it. I would have preferred some sort of conclusion (i.e. the the intruder’s identity) but I enjoyed just as much without it. Your greatest strength was the buildup to the intruder’s entry into the bathroom, and it was pretty funny to think that anyone could fend off someone with shampoo and hot water. Good work. I look forward to another short story.
william_the_artist reviewed Version 1 -
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Your writing is good and you can tell a good story. But it does lack depth, suspense and realism. Your lead up to the intruder was very uneventful and not very scary. In other words, you didn’t capture the horror or fear one could feel in a situation like that.
Also, the intruder was a moron. His biggest threat being in the house and walking in the bathroom. Other than that – the cat was more of a threat. I actually kept waiting for it to be the neighbor who saw fire in the house and was coming to rescue her. Because if he was a bad guy…your leading lady would of been in a lot more trouble.
See if you can find a little more fear and realism to strengthen the story. Plus, remember your picking a subject that has been used again and again in story telling. Plus, most people have a shower scare story, of course in most cases nothing happen, but they know the fear and that just wasn’t captured in this story.
Good Luck, hoped this help.
lworth reviewed Version 1 -
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MaximumCarnage reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the cat washing its paws at the end, but it is sort of anti-climatic. Guess it depends on how dramatic you want the ending to be. Your description of the action is good. I didn’t quite understand, “Risking the time,” I think you are missing a word, but I’m not sure what.
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