Poetry / no sex in the green room

I love the line “Washer dryer sex room batgh room it’s all the same.
There are a lot of great imagery to this.

You would be an interesting person to meet I think. You are talented and quite passionate in your life it seems by you writtings that you take life in a rush. It seems that you enjoy it to the fullest extent.

well yes i think this work was great …”So no sex in the green room
don’t you Dare write on those walls
We are keeping something sacred
And it’s locked inside these halls”...that flowed so well.  I read this twice through so I could get a idea of where it was taking me and what the main core of it was about,kudos this was a good read.  Dont sweat to much on your grammar etc that can be fixed, instead concentrate on making your reader, feel everything you have written, that to me is the essential key to writing

The last part is tremendous!  ”panting sound” should either be panting sounds or panting sound is – (grammar thing sorry)

This is GREAT!

I enjoyed reading this, I read it three times. The imagery captivated me, now I cant get that stripper out of my head!! good writing.

I dig this one…but from what I remember of the green room when I did theater…nope, there’s sex in the green room, too.  This rolls excellent.  You really win me over with these lines “don’t you Dare write on those walls
We are keeping something sacred
And it’s locked inside these halls
Violent love rocked particles
Rock round and round “

That’s some crazy beat energy.

There are some really great ideas in this piece, some things that certainly cause the reader to sit back and ponder.  For instance,:

“I certainly wonder
What my little girl is going to think of
Her mama when she figures out
What’s going on inside her head”

Yeah, that’s a real central question to parenthood.  Children see us as idols and infallible, while we know are selves are given to the want of the flesh, symbolized, in my opinion, by the “sex in the green room.”  I think this was the source of the major tension of the work, and something you could really expand upon.

I think this piece could really do with some minor revisions.  For instance, in the last couple of lines, the word “only” is repeated three times, which throws off the flow a bit.  If you cut it down to twice, I think it will read better.  In the opening stanza, I was thrown by “Could I even begin-start to let you / All see I really cared about your / View?”  I had to read it three times, and I think you could try a different spacing:

“Could I even begin,
Start to let you all see I really cared
About your view?”

I think this might make it more clear.  Your opening stnza is the most important one… if you lose your readers at the start, make them confused, you’re toast.

A very good piece, and thoughtful once I got past those opening lines.  Try to work to expand the child-parent tension, and I think this will work even better.

Your poem was pretty good, but I didn’t really like what it was saying. I don’t think it made that much since but thats just me… Don’t worry if you don’t want to chance it then don’t. I’m just a slow kid, thats all..
But it was good..

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November 08, 2006

by MamaReen

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yeah well, do you know theater much, ‘cuz a green room is the room where everyone puts on their makeup and costumes….that should clear it up

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cool.

nice and very much cole porter atmosphered in the understanding, especially “kate shrew tame” which i don’t think he’d have dared, but would have loved.

i know the green room, and i think you’ve done it with style. nice writing, nice word choice and flow, and every stanza’s its own clever little kick out of you.

thanks