Lyrics / Secret

hi there,

well i like the meter in the verses and the rhyming pattern used rhyming the same lines in the verses as well as the repeating chorus…it shows you know some of the craft  of songwriting where others do not or care to use..one of the two. one thing does stand out though, that maybe i could help make this better, it’s the title..though that’s what the songs about, it must be stated, usually a number of times in the repeating chorus..you want the listemer to know the name of your song..and it makes it much more memorable..just an example..i’dchange the name to “hey handsome” followed by the line, will you, touch me,feel me, and kiss me,...and have that for the last line….just a thought, i’m sure you know what i mean and trying to say…but in general,,nice job…:),,,later,,jim

I liked how strong the sexual connotations were yet still remained almost subtle. Sometimes conveying this message without being too explicit is the beauty of a piece as it is in this case. The opening stanza is amazing and by far my favorite due to it’s simplicity and imagery it conveys all in one. For some reason I imagine a female fronted OMD or some other new wave band of the eighties when I read these lyrics. I can almost hear the synthesizers and the clear emotion laden voices. I could be way off though and wonder what kind of band this is for.

I could actually hear the cords playing for this . I really liked the message you are conveying on Stanza 4. all around I am not the best person to tear something another person writes. But I liked this one, liked it a lot

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February 28, 2007

by Sarah_Sassy

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
288	96.7% (60 votes)	69.8%

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25	F	Sacramento, CA	December 03

Thank you for the review! :)

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I like this a lot! I used to write lyrics for a lot for bands I was part of in my youth, but they were not as good as this. A lot of elements here jump out at me. first, I like how in the verse segments the 3rd and 4th line provide the rhyming scheme, then the scheme changes for the chorus parts (or what I see as the chorus). Beyond how the lyrics are written and laid out, the subject is very evocative too, giving the reader striking images that I think would be even further felt with accompanied music. I dont know what kind of music this was set for, but it almost has an old style goth rock feel, like Joy Division meets Siouxsie & The Banshees as an example. Regardless the style it was written for, these lyrics deserve to be heard.

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February 21, 2007

by Sarah_Sassy

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288	96.7% (60 votes)	69.8%

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25	F	Sacramento, CA	December 03

Hey hey! You got the style right… :) Thank you for the review!

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when i first started reading it it got me kind of excited, but to tell you the truth i feel like your holding out. there’s not really much to this peice to tell you the truth. it’s got some sexyness to it, but hey if youre gonna delve into that kind of writing loosen the hinges a little more. i see this being really sensual, and i feel a little of the lust, but at the same time its like im only partly in, get more real, plug me into the scene more, maybe even get a little more personal.. to tell you the truth i feel like i’m reading lyrics about sex a virgin wrote… have you had a real passionate experience? one that really stuck with you? a lover that really got to ur senses? someone who really pulled your sexuality out of you at the same time kept things very sensual, tender kisses? rubbed you right? if you’re gonna do a song like this go all in, i’m not saying get graphic, but poor more emotion into this, right now it feels too generic… and touch me handsome sounds a little lame to me not to be mean, but maybe rethink the wording for that line.

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February 16, 2007

by Sarah_Sassy

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288	96.7% (60 votes)	69.8%

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25	F	Sacramento, CA	December 03

You actually got it pretty well… it’s supposed to be about someone who is innocent… it’s not supposed to necessarily be lustful, either, but more of a well… forbidden secretive sort of thing… passionate, yes… but I wasn’t moving towards having the “lust” be a focal point…  :) I’d change handsome, but since that was the code name for the person this is about, I’m gonna have to keep it… :) You say you want to be more “plugged in”.. Could I get some more specifics? Would writing it as something “hard-core,” using more graphic terms have made the piece a better read? Or are you saying to sue names, specific places, and more concrete settings? Thank you for the review!

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I give it a ten for those first three stanzas.  They’re amazing as we already discussed.  This piece continues to be very good.  I’d like to see more of that garden kind of imagery through to the end.  And the second “place” in the sixth stanza I would make “space” as you did in the first stanza.  Some of the repetition toward the end becomes a bit much for me, but not so much that I think it bad or am bothered.  All in all, a beautiful piece.

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February 16, 2007

by Sarah_Sassy

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
288	96.7% (60 votes)	69.8%

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25	F	Sacramento, CA	December 03

I would change that too if I hadn’t  freaking saved this as a final draft!!! Lame!!! Oh well… It’s been submitted to the band I work with (with that change in place) so when the cong comes out I’ll send you a copy… that way you can actually see that I put your suggestion in place!! Thank you!

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