Poetry / Separation

I like this the way it is. The only thing I thought was a little bit off was standing on the opposite side of the room, separated by miles. Maybe separated by feet, feeling like miles or something to that affect.

Boy, have I been there, done that. I can relate to this poem.

I think with poetry, you might try to show more rather than tell all (I am filled with sadness).  The first 3 lines indicate that the narrator is sad. Using the room and the distance created works well. Try to use more metaphors to explain what the narrator is going through.  It’s hard, I know.  I am a lousy poet. Rewrite rewrite…! You’ll get there.

Having soembody you love choose someone else over you is a painful thing, but apparently very helpful in writing, considering this is a very amazing piece.  The feel of actual seperation you get from the first few words before you even hear the story is very clever.  And most of us know that love likes to make us think we can bend reality.  Very impressive job!

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December 20, 2006

by mstreet

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41	F	Moultonborough, NH	April 23

Thank you!

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One sides love. Oh how it sucks . I like this.  I feel in certain lines you’ve been a little lazy   “And I am filled with sadness” , Im sure if you tried you could find an alternative word or an image to represent sadness . All in all though , good.

I think this poem is fantastic.  I’m not sure what you’re looking for in terms of getting it “where it needs to be.”  Hell, it looks comfortable right where it’s at.  And if you try to move it, it might bite you.  :-)

Anyway, there’s some punctuation missing throughout the piece but the language is fine and the poem flows well as a whole.  A revision or two would never hurt, however.

Best of luck with this.

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December 14, 2006

by mstreet

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41	F	Moultonborough, NH	April 23

Thanks.  I appreciate.

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This poem has great potential. If you don’t normally write poetry, you should try it a bit more often. You have so much emotion in this piece it’s hard to believe you’re new to the craft. I do have a few suggestions to put this poem into the state of perfection ‘he’ deserves.

First, I’d recommend not repeating the word ‘separated’ so often. Separated is an awkward word, with an odd flow to it. It draws away from the poem when the reader is distracted by how it flows oddly. I’d suggest something along the lines of ‘Separated by feet; by miles’ that conveys the point that you’re only separated by a few feet, yet internally and mentally it’s lightyears. You could even say something like
‘Only feet separate us, but miles
in between.’
Just a thought…

Next, I’d also recommend giving us more descriptions, more thoughts, more adjectives in general. While short stories can become cluttered by too much embellishing, poetry is supposed to capture the reader into the world which you’re writing from. Each reader should come away from the piece with a distinct thought in their head, it may be different for each reader, but they want to imagine the scene and decide for themselves. For this reason I’d recommend telling us less and showing us more. The line ‘He chose her’ is too straight forward. Try something like ‘Yet she’s in his arms…’ or along those lines. It’ll show that he’s with someone else, without coming out and smacking the reader in the face with it.

Lastly, try to refrain from repeating the word ‘my’. If it’s in a sentence, or line, it doesn’t need to be reiterated. For instance, the third line of the poem could go something like ‘My broken heart shatters into faded dreams…’

You have much emotion in this poem. With the right tweaking you can really progress in poetry. You have what it takes, don’t sell yourself short just because you don’t normally write it. It’s a beautiful piece. Keep writing.

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December 14, 2006

by mstreet

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41	F	Moultonborough, NH	April 23

Thanks.  You are very kind.  I also appreciate you critique.  It is very helpful.

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It’s quite good to begin with.  I might change the word “feet” to something else… I keep envisioning these giant trainers every time I read that you’re “seperated by feet” .. but then, I’m quirky :D  It also seems to take away from the depth of what you’re expressing.  

Another thing I might look at changing is the word “wet” – wet bodies makes me think you just got out of the swimming pool.  I’d suggest something more sensuous there.  Hope this has been helpful.

I feel like I’m being told everything but yet there isn’t much intrigueing detail. Therefore it doesn’t draw me in. I don’t feel the room, see the room, feel what it is like to be there. I don’t feel I get any idea of who this person is you love and therefore can’t empathize with the writer. Try including a lot more details in. Put more in than you think you need to say. Put in everything at first. But it is okay for a first. You didn’t try to rhyme and use a lot of bizarre imagery to show off you vocabulary or anything like that. So that is very good in that regard. Keep working because I think you have the idea of how you want to write.

I really enjoyed this piece.  I’m not much of a poet myself, but this just seems right.  I hope that you get the feedback you need from more experienced poets.  Nice job!

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November 15, 2006

by mstreet

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Thanks, I appreciate your reading.

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