Short Story / City Transportation
I could ride on a city bus for hours. Parfumes of unwashed sweat and dried piss to suffuse my nose. It sits in my clothes. Sitting next to a window that reads “This Window does not open” I gaze into chaotic streets and people who trip over their feet. A man offered me some dope yesterday and I said no. He sat next to me and watched me watch everyone else. I moved further back of the bus. The bus driver occasionally glances in the mirror; us children can’t behave talking to ourselves or to someone not there. I drift to sleep on the 7 mile bus because it runs all night. I’m alert on the Hamilton bus because that’s where the action is. Two days ago a woman sat next to me and told me “God loves you” I smiled and said “You too” she didn’t like that. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head. I asked are you alright and she moaned. People were beginning to turn around most of them were looking at me. The bus driver glanced in his mirror again. a blackwoman with a yellow peacoat stared blankly into space. A brawny man with white hair smiled at me and winked. The school kids rolled their eyes and sucked in their teeth some laughed. The bus driver glances again. The woman moans louder and her head lazily falls on my shoulder and she begins snoring.
Her slivered greyed hair smelled like human excerment. While snoring she grabbed my hand. It was moist and swollen. There of her finger nails were missing and she didn’t have a middle finger. I felt anxious that the school kids were staring at me. Because you know they are always seeking answers for everything and wondering what’s the right thing to do so I was careful in not pushing her away to abruptly. I tried to move closer to the window but she grunted loundly and gripped my hand tighter.
The cord was pulled and it seemed hestitant. It was watching me too. . .
Someone once told me to never ride a Detroit bus alone because you get off one alone.
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I like the last one, but the rest suffers a bit because it is too much of a list of characters.
I also though, halfway through, that you could turn this into a comic piece by having all the strangers giving you advice (eg about sex and relationships and property) and then right at the end you could reveal it is a yellow school bus and you are 7!
That would be quite funny.
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This is weird and interesting. It made me think, although I am still left a little confused by it. Also, there are maybe too many short sentences. It makes the piece read in a very staccato fashion which can get a little difficult to read if it goes on too long, and it turned this from a story to a series of snapshots strung together. I’d link a few together and reorganised them a little and maybe inject a little more story into this to hold the reader’s interest. Nice imagery though. Well, not nice, but nicely written – original and simple – I had a beautifully dark and depressing image in my head of the situation by the end.
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