Novel Treatments / Grandmother's Secret-Chapter 3
The King of Clubs was located in the basement of a brick building near 7th and Wabasha. It was one of several, competing speakeasies within a stone’s throw of the St. Paul Police Headquarters.
St. Paul was teeming with gangsters and underworld figures due to the “Gentleman’s Agreement” enacted by Police Chief “Big John” O’Connor. To avoid the bloodshed and gang wars that had become synonymous with Chicago, “Big John” offered safe refuge, within the city, to known criminals.
All a mug had to do was check in with the local precinct, make a contribution to the policeman’s benevolent fund, and promise to keep their nose clean. The coppers would look the other way if you stayed out of trouble, no matter if your face was hanging in the post office or not.
The illegal saloons and nightclubs were flourishing with a contradiction of patrons. Wealthy socialites were rubbing shoulders with some of the FBI’s most wanted. The ladies spoke to each other at their luncheons about the close encounters with feigned repulsion, but secretly reveled in their brush with notoriety.
No one played this card better than the owner of the King of Clubs on Wabasha Avenue. Salvatore Delisi had come from Chicago himself, with his young family, to help turn a profit at what was once a bum’s dive. His brothers came along and together they turned the cavernous basement of a book bindery business into a first class joint.
In order to gain admittance to the club, members were issued a playing card, a king of clubs, with an embossed number etched on the back. The bouncers knew their jobs well and kept out anyone who didn’t belong. Of course, exceptions could be made, if the price was right.
Salvatore sat behind his enormous mahagony desk rolling an unlit cigar between his fingers. Franky, his son, was late again and Sal could feel his brother’s eyes upon him, staring at him from the red leather chair in the corner.
”Sticks” was Sal’s younger brother and right hand man. He didn’t speak unless he had something to say. That’s why Sal liked him best but sometimes it was unnerving.
Frank Delisi pulled the car into the alley off of 7th street and drove slowly past a group of bedraggled men, waiting for handouts from the back door of Eddington’s Cafe.
Frank’s passenger, Carl “Tommy” Thompson, looked at the men with contempt. He didn’t like bums. He threw his cigarette out the window and watched them scramble after the smoldering butt.
Tony Delisi was leaning against the building when Frank pulled up in his new, black Phantom. It had been a present to Franky from his father on his twenty-fifth birthday. Tony walked out to meet his cousin. Frank got out of the driver’s seat while Tommy waited inside.
“I have a friend with me. He’s okay.” Frank said, hugging his younger cousin in a brief embrace. Tommy got out of the car and lit another Lucky Strike, nodding his head towards Tony.
“Uncle Sal’s waiting for you,” Tony said, taking the keys from Frank.
“Park her in the shade but not underneath the birds. Keep the bums away too.” Frank led the way towards the back entrance to the King of Clubs and Tommy followed behind him.
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It was hard to get a real reading on this piece because it was so short and I haven’t read the other two chapters. I love the setting in the year 1931. You described the bums well and how they were scrambling after a cigarette butt. I could actually imagine that happening in real life especially during the Depression. Anyway, keep up the good work and continue with this story and I will look forward to reading the rest of it especially to find out why it is called Grandmother’s Secret.
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Great atmosphere. Could be a fun story. However, I see several problems.
One is that you go from this omniscient voice telling us the story (rather than showing through events within the story), to a few sentences in Sal’s point of view (with some telling in there), to a different scene in both Tommy’s and Frank’s points of view.
I think the back story could be integrated into the story line, but if you are going to keep it, you should put a section break between it and the bit about Sal. Then the bit about Sal really doesn’t give us anything—it’s not even a scene. If you’re going to do it, expand it enough to pique our curiosity about what’s going on.
In the next scene you need to pick a POV and stick with it. Also, look for where you the author are telling us stuff and show us that through the eyes of the POV character.
Good luck.
I love your voice, and your skill with language.
Your attention to detail gives me confidence author knows what she is talking about; the narrative is self-assured.
I take it this chapter is not yet finished. If it is finished, then my criticism is that you do not leave me with a final paragraph, and particularly a final sentence, that compels me to turn the page to chapter 4.
But this could be because I am not privy to the first two chapters.
Nonetheless, you have the skill necessary to find a publisher.
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