lol.. they is the leaves man…thanks
Poetry / Love Squirrels
Come with me, I’ll lead the way baby.
Up the rough barked branches of our vertical lives,
up to where the technicolor leaves are holding their breath,
and yes, I think our timing is perfect.
I want to lay on my back with you next to me
and be there, with you, when they surrender themselves
to slow release.
The first puff of wind ruffles your tailfur and sets
this deciduous kaleidoscope in motion.
First slowly, one by one,
then faster and faster and then we are together in our own
warm, oaksmelling leaf blizzard.
I take your paw and in this redbrown, purpleyellow
confusion of color all I can see is your wet
blackberry seed eyes.
As the air between us clears and we lay, defoliated and exposed,
I notice for the first time the old-gray beechwood sky
and all I can think is that sometimes even someone like me,
a blind squirrel like me,
can find his nut.
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CrazyCatLady reviewed Version 1 -
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I Love it!
This poem even made me smile!
Excellent expression and use of descriptives….
I truly like this poem!
Sorry but I cannot find anthing I do not like about it….I am not a pro, so I do not know about ‘structure’ and stuff like that…I just know what I like, and I like this. Keep up the great work!
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melseid reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the way that this is a love story and a visual depiction of my favourite season. Plus, I do ‘love squirrels’.
If I were being a punctuation nazi, I’d say that a few commas seem to be missing. Also, as I imagine two squirrels lying close, I don’t think of much air between them, and might recommend, in the last stanza, “as the air around us clears,” instead of “ between us”.
Unless, of course, I am mis-reading, and they’ve, in fact, had a banter. Then maybe the air between them does need to be cleared.
Thanks for posting.
mpotavin reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem has great rythmn and imagery. I love your use of colors. My only concern is that the ending seems a little abrupt and cliche-esque. You may want to consider continuing on with what happens after sex. What happens after the passion has been expelled. I’d enjoy seeing what you come up with.
lacage reviewed Version 1 -
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I love some of the imagery in these verses such as leaves holding their breath ..in advance of fall ,it expresses nicely the moments before release.I can almost smell the leaves as they fall all moist and oaksmelling.Beautifully descriptive two wet blackberry seed eyes”[just as they are]
Next you have me really confused which doesnt clarify after a few attempts, I thought that it wasnt just squirrels you were recounting cos they dont go hand in hand nor lie on there backs.So automatically I think its the author with a friend yet despite the reference to blindness the “ILL” sees the eyes but not the nut…so sorry but still confused . If there is another message it nearly reached me but not quite .
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a sweet poem with a slightly witty ending, A good imagination of a squirrels love life, i could visualise the scene you set.
Maybe on stanza 1 the (they) surrender themselves, should be we surrender ourselves ,to keep it about the two squirrels.
sugarteet reviewed Version 1 -
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again, quite clever but…deciduous? i think if you scrap a bit of the kitsch, you’ll still have a nice smart-ass romantic affect. end result having way more impact. like “wet blackberry seed eyes.” is real poetry to me, but it’s cheapened by “defoliated and exposed”...just my f’ed up opinion.
thanks.
pedro_sars reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t know exactly why, but I really like this poem. It’s well written and an interesting topic. The only correction i can think of is changing purpleyellow to purple-yellow, unless it is the way it is intentionally. Keep the good stuff coming!
Kitt reviewed Version 1 -
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Some good imagery and use of colours although I found myself unattached to what was being said. I think maybe the subject matter was too obscure for me to get to grips on it although that was just my opinion and not a reflection on the poem.
richardagnew reviewed Version 1 -
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This is great!! It has such a warm feeling to it! It’s also going to inspire me to write a love story about 2 animals of different species who have trouble being accepted as a couple in an animal world where this is frowned upon, haha. But only if you’ll allow me to kind of steal the idea…
Hx reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha! I read it on account of the title, and I’m glad I did.
An unconventional theme, to say the least, backed by masterful wordsmanship makes for beautiful work. Throw in a delightfuly literal title and an ending that makes you snort out your beer, and we can’t do much more than say thanks for sharing and do please keep it up.
(I searched and searched for something I could critique over to make this worth your credits. The best I can do is say that I for some reason keep stumbling over “sometimes even someone like me,” ...nothing mechanically wrong with it, I guess, but it somehow seems to break up the flow that was coming before it. dunno…)
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