Thanks for the review. I do have to respond to the idea that we shouldn’t use uncommon words because it disrupts the flow for readers. I love words, and I love unusual words, and I’m the type of person that when I encounter a new word in a work I look it up right away, or write it on a scrap of paper to look up later. I dislike the idea of dumbing down a piece when an uncommon word fits so much better than a common one. While I appreciate that there is a school of thinking that encourages those to speak plainly in poetry to be understood, I think poetry should expand the reader’s horizons a bit. Also, because I was a carpenter for several years, gypsum is not an unusual word for me (a component of drywall), which begs the question, where do we draw the line on what’s unusual and what’s not? 3rd grade level? 12th grade? 4 year degree? Please don’t think I’m bashing you about this – I really do appreciate the feedback, and I get this same feedback from a number of people. I also get the opposite feedback of “wow, cool word, I’ve gotta use that some time.” I think on here someone said using the word “esurient” made them feel like I was using the thesaurus. :>) So, you are not alone! Others feel I’m too erudite as well. And thank you again for your thoughtful review! Keep ‘em coming!
Poetry / wormwood
distracted by drudgery
they sneak within.
silent burrowing
gnawing my concentration to holes.
they seek the buried deep
thoughts unarmed and emptyhanded
and chew
chew their way inside
wear the outsides as disguise
slip into the sleeves their desires
push out on the strength of suppression.
flex their newfound fingers and toes
rockclimb up my wishingwell walls
emerge in the badlands of conscience.
skulking forward
inch by inch by fistfuls of memory
squeezing ‘til they burst
a shower of gypsum
pebbles of you scattered everywhere.
i slash them in two with reason and regrets
a squirming fragmented heap.
i feel
in their slowing to occasional twitches
my old familiar.
i know
in the stillness
divided they subside
to regenerate
multiplied.
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You should either take out the periods or add some other punctuation.
The only part I think you should take a revisory look at is “i feel
in their slowing to occasional twitches
my old familiar.”
Otherwise it’s excellent, none of your line breaks seem to come in bad places (unlike a lot of the free verse I’ve seen around here).
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This is a really dark and piercing poem.I’ve never heard the word gypsum before so I didn’t know how to pernounce it,I figured maybe its just how it sounds, but who knows…that disrupted the flow for me.I dont think its a common word by any stretch so maybe some other people will have that same problem.I’d think about changing it.The rhyming 3 lines at the end seemed to me to be a decent attempt to finish off the piece with a bang but I think that makes it too clean.This is a very thought-provoking descriptive poem,you might want to finish it a bit ‘unfinished’ sounding to make people think about it a little.Good luck.
This piece is brilliant. Its vivid and alive and clearly illustrates a struggle. You choice of words is graphic and yet subdued enough not to be an affront to the senses. The emotion conveyed is clear. My only suggestion would be to punctuate it. As striking as it is this way, you could double the punch if you added a comma or semi-colon here and there.
The way it opens is perfect. It makes it clear that there is an opponant and that it is after something deep inside that wishes to stay hidden or protected. It speaks loudly of struggling to come to terms with oneself. The ending points out that whats buried will eventually be revealed no matter how long and hard to struggle.
This piece spoke to me and I like it.
Creepy little piece. The tone here is very effective at setting the appropriate mood- even the title evokes a cool, horror-movie type image.
I liked your terseness, too. You aren’t afraid to say what you have to say in six words, and it lends each word some power. That said, however, it seems at times like your words are chosen arbitrarily. “within”, for example, in your second line- the piece seems to be more about the way these things enter your mind, and “they sneak in” would more correctly convey that. Similarly, in the first line the grammar makes it seem as though they get in (within) because they’re distracted by drudgery, which doesn’t seem to be what you want to say. And if it is, it’s unclear exactly what action is happening.
I really loved the rhythm and use of rhyme in the final three lines. Very seamless and effective, really making “multiplied” hit hard when we get to it. This is a strong piece, albeit uneven.
Absynthe makes the heart grow stronger, sweet wormwood. And knocks back those badlands of conscience.
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