Poetry / gibbous
chicago dark night
against the red brick of my father’s house
under canopy of grape
large leaves backlit green by window spilt incandescence
tendrils spiraling the lilting summer breeze
curling
your fingers in my hair
your forehead pressed to mine
hands slipping to my hips
tenderly
you say, “no, no, no”
as I spin to cocoon
into your body’s waning moon
a concave lens
focaling the gibbous
of my want
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I don’t know you or of you, but this strikes me as a “professional” poem. Some Language Poetry leanings might be here but this is more cohesive than that through the lust and seductive intent.
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Although I do like your choice of imagery here and while it did flow well at times I didn’t see much consistency here. You were talking about the scenery of the area and then suddenly you’re with someone. As I may add that’s where your poem kind of drifted off and lost that flow and finase it had early on. Work at the end a little harder.
It is works up to a climax, then a small mistery. The mistery is what is the concave lens? Pair of glasses, because it was night time.
Desire. One of the most beautiful topics to write about.
a concave lens
focaling the gibbous
of my want
Simple desires can cause the most prefound thoughts, feelings, and emotions a man could feel.
cause you to “spin to cocoon” to avoid it all even.
good write.
Very good use of metahpors and images, the reader can truly feel your emotions in this piece. Good use of word play. This piece is very emotional, open, honest and revealing. Good job.
November 12, 2006
Deleted User
i think maybe ( and i’m jumping to this because i like what you’ve done) that you can leave out “focaling the gibbous”, because the moon state is implied, and the tighter ending speeds the breath.
old joke:
“what’s he doing wiggling the camera like that??”
“he’s got to focus.”
“Both of us?”
That’s lovely moon metaphor, the waxing and waning of desire, your want greater than his. The grape vine is an intoxicating image as well, so much like the curls through which fingers ran.
This is a gorgeous, romantic scene. I like it very much.
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