Lyrics / We're here

very passionate about your spouse? clearly you are. i think you should put more detail into it and turn it inot a MATURE story. there’s potential in it and i like it. i could see it as a rap song though, because rockers like myself don’t really sing or rock out to things like this. very good and sexy in a way.

hi there,

nice lyric..i like the visuals you have throughout it..i wonder what kind of music you was thinking of when you wrote it..my only suggestion is to mention the title more so people will know what their hearing or reading..(and most important..what they like)..nice job

I enjoy the simplistic but very visual aspect of this piece. I especially enjoy

“Your room is occupied by more
Than your bed
Your books and your
Air supply”

It truly helps me envision this persons room but also has me thinking about roe than just the things that are in it, the piece makes me think of the history that’s locked within those walls.

I didn’t get what “Air supply” is and how it fits here.
Some punctuation would make this a more understandable read.
I love the part when the aunt answers the door, I can see her face.
From what you have written, I imagine this is a story about two young lovers, who realize that they are not for each other, and are only connected by sexual attraction. Like when they feel guilty after sex: “this never should have happened”, but they still cant resist each other. There are no other details, so nothing deeper of their relationship can’t be seen from reading it.
I wonder what kind of music do you see with these lyrics, and what part will you choose for a chorus?

I really liked this.  It has a personality that comes out through your word choice, such as the part “I can only assume she hears us…
When we think we are alone.”  It also glides us intot he readers mind which is interesting enough to make me wnat to continue reading.  I also like the suspenseful element -the way the speaker asks questions, such as “can we always.”  I really enjoyed this!

I had a hard time following the phrasing; what is the meter; where do the rhymes occur?

Story is a bit disconnected: e.g., him being in town is a surprise, yet the aunt hears them when they’re together… when are they together if it’s a surprise that he’s in town?

Not trying to be a jerk here, honest :) Maybe structure the lines so that they show the phrasing… the rhyming.

Don’t be discouraged! Persistence will prevail! :)

I felt alive with these lyrics. They made me feel young and exciting. Adventurous. The only complaint I have is the inconsistency with flow. I’m not saying it didn’t flow at all, I’m just saying I couldn’t feel a rhythm in my head. Maybe your idea of flow’s different from the way an opposing mind reads off.

i’m not a big fan of love songs.
but this one tells a good story.

It seems like you nurture someone with a physical ailment, which is perhaps serious. It seems sort of like a savior Nurse of love type thing. Well written.

• add/view comments (1)

November 17, 2006

by MamaReen

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
114	76.9% (13 votes)	26.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	F	Fortuna, CA	December 20

yup, seems to be a theme…if they aren’t messed up emotionally or physically….send them AWAY!

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This is erotic and enticing, and that sense of forbidden, we shouldn’t, always heightens that.  You capture it very well.  The lines:
The shaking is something I
Crave from you
It crawls from your body into
My mouth, can we
Always?

This is wonderful.  The shaking—can mean so many things.  

I’m a little donfused about the first part being at his aunt’s house, referred to as “his home.”  Then you take him “home” through “his door.”  Is it that you have taken him to your home and made it his home too?  Or was he just visiting his aunt?  

Regardless of that confusion on my part, this is a very good love poem, passionate, vulnerable, not sappy…

The flow is nice, and draws us in.  I also enjoy the slice of life with the eavesdropping aunt who is not overjoyed to see you.  I like movement from outside to inside, and to further inside…

And that repeated, but in a safer space.  good work.