this is the best review i have ever gotten and i have been here for at least five months. thank you. i admit, i wrote this a year ago, at least, and i did not write well, grammaticly speaking. thank you again.
Screenplay / Burning Powder: a film nior.
Burning Powder
Eric Schuman
Ben Charley
Ext./ Church day Jack/Priest
A large gothic church, Jack looks up at the spires and gargoyles. He is drunk. Finishes a cigarette, stomps it out under his boot, walks up the steps and goes in. The church is quite, but there is a sound inside, he takes off his hat and looks up, there is a crash, Jack looks around to see where the noise came from.
Jack
Hello?
Jack goes into the confessional. Jack sits down.
A priest comes into it.
Priest
Oh, sorry about the scare, I dropped a vase.
Need any help?
Jack
More then you know.
Priest
Want to get started?
Jack
Your call.
Priest
Would you like the screen open, or closed?
Jack
Don’t care
The priest leaves it open.
Priest
Why have you come?
Jack
To confess.
Interior Day Office Jack/Madeline
A close up of books, a close up of an ashtray piled with the remains of a thousand cigarettes. The smoke rising and curling up to infinity. A close up of gun flashes on screen. MS/LS of a filing cabinet topped with a globe, next to a book shelf. A window next to it with Venetian blinds. A close up of the bottom of a desk, pans up to the top of it. You see a name plate reading “JACK POINTER, P.I.”. A light on the table shows our hero, darkly lit. He is wearing an overcoat a little too big for him and a hat on his head covering his eyes. He’s taking a break. A cigarette dangling in his mouth in a way only pull can pull off. He has feet up on his desk, resting there until they need to be used on a coffee mug on the top of a copy of “the collected poetry of T.S. Eliot”,.
Jack (vo)
The private eye business is going downhill. The cases I get nowadays are collections of lost dogs and suspicious wives – although I don’t mind the lonely ones… and it puts money in my pocket. But I want a little more excitement than old granny Jenkins cryin’ over her lost Rover. [Wouldn’t blame the dog anyway]
(pause)
(The name plate is now on screen).
I’m Jack Pointer, private eye.
Spare the jokes; I’ve heard them all before.
The work comes slow these days. I take what I can get.
[People underestimate a detective’s wisdom.
They think we’re all broads, guns, and bad guys.
But I am so much more.]
A rap-tap-tapping on the frosted window of his office door startles Jack. He pushes his hat up away from his eyes and looks at the door.
Jack
Come in.
A woman walks in wearing a dress that shows off all her talents. She has hair that no comb or man could tame. She is a little short in stature, but she makes up for it in beauty. She doesn’t say anything for the first few seconds. Jack’s eyes examine her body like a john examining his girl.
Jack (VO)
I knew everything about
this woman the moment she walked
Through that door, she was that kind of woman.
Her lips full, like a good glass of whiskey.
Her eyes wide, takin’ in all she sees.
I knew she had a case for me, dames like that don’t show up just to visit. My heart stopped when I laid eyes on her.
She had a body that could kill a man.
The woman shuts the door and walks midway to Jack’s desk,
Woman
You Jack Pointer?
Jack
Who wants to know?
Jack takes his feet off the desk and puts out his cig on damp circle of coffee left on his book. You hear the sound of it going out.. He takes another out and lights it.
Woman
My name’s Madeline, Madeline O’Connell.
She walks up to his desk and sits on the corner of it. It seems seductive in a way, even though she isn’t trying to make seem so. She looks at him.
(cont.)
And my husband, Shaun, has been murdered.
I need your help to find the man that did this.
Jack
When did it happen?
Jack gets up from his seat. You see all of him now; he is wearing a white shirt with grayish pants that come up to his waist. The pants have a belt around them. He is wearing suspenders that cross in the back. He has a holster on his left side. To keep daisy close to his heart. He looks business like with hint of the man that would save your life and walk away. He walks in front of Madeline, and stands there.
(cont.)
When was he killed?
Madeline
Three days ago.
Jack
Why you comin’ here now instead of three days ago?
Madeline
I was on vacation…in Chicago.
Jack
Why wasn’t he with you?
Madeline
Work. He was a lawyer, got Jimmy Brown life [in prison].
Jack
What did the police report say?
Madeline
Said he jumped from our apartment, but I know Shaun.
He wasn’t a jumper, he was a fighter,
Straight as an arrow
She starts tearing up
(cont.)
I loved him.
And I what will do….
Crying more now
(cont.)
…whatever will I do Jack?
Help me, help me find them
Or I won’t ever be able to sleep again.
[Jack ( VO)
She had come to me for a second opinion.
And hell, I’d tell anyone their husband was killed for 50 [50-100].
Jack
Why come to me instead of going to the cops
Madeline
I want my case solved Mr. Pointer, not filed.
Jack seems satisfied with this answer. He goes to his desk shuffles some papers and takes out one of them. He hands it to Madeline.
Jack
This is a contract. Know what a contract is Doll?
Madeline is slightly hurt, but amused by his naïve view of her. She looks at him in a way that tells him she has signed many a contract. She gains a business like attitude. And gazes at Jack with an icy stare, But with something else too… amusement.
(cont.)
Just checking.
Madeline signs the contract. Then Jack does.
(cont.)
We’re in business.
End of Scene
EXT Apartment Building Day
Jack and Madeline are walking into the apartment building.
Jack (VO)
First we went to her place so I could take a look at the crime scene. She came so she could pick up a few things.
Int. Madeline’s Place Day
The place is nicely furnished. A couch there. A refrigerator here. Nothing special. Jack and Madeline walk in, she kind of holding onto his arm. The place is totally trashed though. There are things strewn about everywhere, but in a some what deliberate way.
Jack (VO)
Either she had a crazy sex life
Or this place had just been ransacked.
Madeline sees a picture of herself with her husband. The picture is on the floor in a broken frame. Jack comforts her. Suddenly there is the sound of something falling and breaking. Jack pulls out a pistol.
Madeline
Be Careful!! Don’t GO!!
Madeline grabs Jack’s arm and slows him down for a second, Jack rips out of her grip.
Jack peaks over and sees a man in a suit, wearing a fedora running to the window.
(cont.)
STOP!!
The man keeps on running, Madeline has a look of recognition on her face, she knows who this man is, and you only see it for an instant. Jack only sees it for a blink of an eye and only knows it subconsciously. The man jumps out of the window, and Jack runs to the window, the man runs out of sight. Jack turns around to Madeline.
(cont.)
We have a suspect.
Madeline
He looked like he was trying to find something.
Jack (VO) (sarcastically)
Really. I would have never guessed.
Jack
Or someone…
He looks at Madeline with the look of a man who has seen this kind of thing before.
(cont.)
I’m putting you up in a motel. You’ll be safer there.
Madeline
I think I’ll be fine here
Jack
You won’t. That man will be back.
Madeline
How do you know?
Madeline gets angry at Jack. Her voice gets mean.
(cont.)
Do you know him?
Jack walks up to Madeline. They are only about 3-4 inches away from each other now.
Jack
No, but do you want to risk it.
Wanna risk getting snatched,
Getting raped…
Madeline pulls back holding her dress.
(cont.)
Getting killed [rubbed out].
Madeline
Do you really think he’ll be back?
Jack
I’m sure of it.
End scene
Ext. /Street Day Jack
Jack is outside walking on the street, hands in pockets. He is wearing a solid color overcoat and the same outfit as before. He has a hat on his head; bowed to the wind, with cigarette in his lips.
Jack (VO)
I put Madeline up in a simple joint, low pay, good service.
I put up the cash. I’m not a bad guy. And well I have to say
He kinda starts to seem happy. As if he really means what he is about to say
(cont.)
…she is a pretty good gal.
End scene
Montage Sequence of Madeline and Jack:
1. Jack and Madeline and are outside walking together and talking, she is explaining things to him. He is writing what she says down on a notepad. She starts crying, letting her emotion flow. He puts the notepad in his pocket, pockets the pen; puts his hand on her shoulder to comfort her, she accepts his embrace and comes to him. He hugs and comforts her. He is still has his guard up, but is starting to let it fall.
2. Jacks questioning a man, asking, learning. He seems to have reached a point were the man won’t tell him anymore. He excuses himself for a moment. Goes behind a wall and puts his hand through his hair, he is having a real tough time with this case, but he doesn’t want to let on his desperation. He goes back to the man, puts back on his tough demeanor and questions more.
3. Jack walks into Madeline’s place. He looks around. The place is a mess.
Jack (VO)
The place smells of cheap cologne and cigarettes.
Someone else had been here since I left with Madeline.
Not the robber though. No, nothing had been moved,
and nothing was gone. I looked around.
Jack finds a note on the ground. He looks at it and read it.
The note says: “I know what you need to know. Come to the Iron Gate Bridge at two o’clock on Saturday. You will learn everything you need to there.”
Jack pockets the note, looks around a bit, checks out a few things, and then starts for the door. The door shuts.
4. Jack and Madeline are eating and talking and having fun, Jack pushes Madeline’s hair out of her face, and she smiles.
5. Jack and Madeline and talking in her motel room, Jack is trying to find more answers. Jack is on the bed thinking, Madeline sits beside him. She snuggles next to him; he looks at her at he smiles, and then keeps on working. You can tell that he has let his guard down with her now.
Jack
Shaun was working for that mob boss Jimmy Brown. right?
Madeline walks up behind Jack and puts her arms around his waist and starts playing with the straps of his suspenders.
Madeline
Yeah, why you askin’?
Jack
Just thinking. The mob have rubbed out lawyers
who have failed cases before. Maybe they did the same here. I mean this is Jimmy Brown.
Madeline (she is trying to convince herself more than Jack)
No…Shaun wasn’t that important.
Jack
I don’t know. Maybe he was.
Jack puts his head in his hand.
(cont.)
I’m going to find more answers.
Follow the note.
Madeline
Be careful, haven’t felt this way since…
Jack
Shhh…I’ll be back tomorrow.
Jack leaves.
End montage.
Ext. / underneath bridge dusk Jack/FBI Agent
You see a lone man under a bridge. He is wearing a plaid trench-coat. And he has a briefcase. He looks dark, mysterious, with a tinge of lost youth. He is pacing. Looking at his watch. Seems anxious. A man approaches him from the distance.
Agent
You Jack Pointer?
Jack looks at the agent. The agent looks scared.
Jack
That’s one of my monikers.
Agent
You get my note?
Jack
I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.
Agent
I know for a fact that you’re in a jam.
You’re a great detective and I don’t want to see
You’re in a wooden kimono.
Jack
I’ve been in worse yanks then this before.
The agent starts to get nervous.
Agent
No, no you haven’t…
The agent leans into Jack.
(cont.)
The man your after is named George Vodell.
.
The talking changes to voiceover, the images different:
You see Vodell walking down the street. The first image is of his feet. He is wearing shiny, black, dressy shoes, his pants are brown, with a few stains on them. The next shot is of his torso. He is wearing a brown jacket with a white shirt underneath. It has coffee stain it. He is also wearing a black leather belt. The next shot is of his face, he has a scraggly beard; he is puffing away on a cigar. Also he is keeps turning his head back and forth. He is walking on a street.
Agent (vo)
This is last thing he did:
He meets his favorite pro-skirt on 23rd st. ,
5:00 sharp like always.
He turns a corner and you see Madeline, She looks…different. All hussied up; standing on a corner with a bunch of other pro-skirts. She is talking to a man. The man puts his hand on her ass and pulls him. They meet at groin. He smiles.
Agent (vo)
Vodell saw what this sap was doing to his girl.
Vodell is upset by this. He yells but it’s lost to voiceover. Then runs up to him and smacks him in the face. The man drops to the ground. Vodell gets down to the man’s level; puts his hand on the man’s chest and punches him in the face. The guy is knocked out. Vodell kicks him repeatedly and savagely kicks the guy while he is down then starts to walks to Madeline. He smiles at her, motions to the guy at the ground and then oddly smiles and shakes his head; then knicks her on the chin and offers her a cigarette. She takes it; puts her arm around Vodell’s shoulder, he puts his arm around her waist and his hand on her ass.
Agent (vo)
a few days late he shows up, dead.
The Agent says the word Dead just as Madeline looks over her shoulder
He squeezes it. She jumps a little, and smiles, then looks back at the man on the ground.
Jack (little surprised)
So you’re telling me this man killed a guy over a prostitute.
Agent
Not killed, maimed. The shot to the head just put the poor Joe to sleep. Least, that’s what they say.
Jack
What’s this got to do with me?
Agent
Well, that girl you’re helpin’.
That’s his pro-skirt.
And well, frankly, you’re fu…
Jack
[punches him]
Shut up, SHUT UP… [agent whimpers]
SHUT the FUCK UP! [punches again]
The agent falls to the ground
(cont.)
Or else I will shoot you in the
GODDAMM FACE!
Jack visually is trying to calm down, he pulls a cigarette out of his coat lights it and starts smoking
(cont.)
That’s impossible.
She was married.
Husband was a lawyer.
Agent [whimpering]
It was a cover.
I wouldn’t lie to you.
I’m not a wrong number.
Jack [angry]
You saying the husband wasn’t a lawyer?
Agent gets up from the ground
Agent
No, no, no, he was one, but he didn’t know,
the marriage was a sham.
She married him for money.
I wouldn’t lie to a legend.
Jack
Why didn’t the husband ever find out?
Agent
The guys a lawyer. Wasn’t home much.
And when he was, he slept or did more work.
Jack seems is surprised by all this news, but he still has a question. He is annoyed that he didn’t find it out.
Jack
You sure about all of that.
Better yet, why tell me…you’re a cop,
At least I assumed as much.
So why don’t you just solve it?
Agent
I did, but this guy is a wise guy.
And as you know the police are corrupt
He had friends on the inside.
They wouldn’t let me touch him.
I tried for months,
but all I could get was stakeout at 23rd. .
Jack
Did you find any real evidence?
Agent
Just that Vodell is a mob hit-man.
His cover is playing priest down at the church.
He is a cold-hearted murderer.
Jack
But he could get put away for that.
Agent
You think they would even let this stuff go to court.
(pause)
(cont.)
They are on his side Jack.
Jack
So wait, let me get this straight…
Vodell killed Madeline’s husband
because Vodell loved Madeline and wanted her all to himself?
Agent
No, you’ve got it all wrong.
Shaun O’Connell was business.
You, you’re personal.
Jack
You’ve said that three times now.
And I am starting to doubt your
know-how. Me, I know what I’m doing,
with 7 years in the force, an honorable discharge, and then 14 years of lone PI work,
and you DARE tell ME that I don’t know what I’m getting into? Well, SCREW YOU!
(cont.)
I think I’ve heard enough.
Agent
If you won’t listen to me, then listen to the evidence.
The agent hands Jack a briefcase, then leaves.
Jack (vo.)
That whore.
End scene.
Int./ Jack’s office evening Jack
Jack is in his office at his desk, looks tired, there is a bottle of whiskey next to him. On his desk is the briefcase.
Jack
Dammit, why do I always mess up.
….Wait…I didn’t mess-up, that jag-off did.
That F.B.I. nancy-boy did.
He doesn’t know me, he can’t judge me. I worked my ass off in the force for what. To see my partner shot, by another damn cop, just cause he had morals and ethics…
Jack realizes something. Jack brings the bottle to his lips to drink. He misses, the
Whiskey falls to ground and he drops the bottle.
(cont.)
But I guess this guy does too. He came to me; didn’t let it slide like the rest of the police. Maybe I should take a look at his work.
Jack gets off the desk and sits in a chair he opens the suitcase and looks at the evidence.
In it are pictures of George and Madeline together entering a dive. Also are pages and
pages on Vodell and whereabouts, monikers, friends. Even a picture of Jimmy Brown.
There are pictures of people on the ground, dead.
Jack (vo.)
Fuck, He was right.
Inter. / Motel evening Jack/Madeline
(Jack barges into the motel room of Madeline he looks for her, messing things up, he finds her in the bedroom, and he pushes her onto the bed. She is pinned down by the arms)
Jack (yelling)
Cut to the quick.
You loved George and let him kill Shaun.
I know it. I heard it.
You WHORE!!!
Madeline is scared, but calm, she takes on a seductive manner. She starts to squirm.
Madeline
Oh Jackie boy…
I know I shouldn’t have,
But George…oh he was so persistent
She gets an arm free
(cont.)
He would always say
Just let me get rid of him and we can run-away together
At this point Madeline moves her arm to his shirt and starts unbuttoning it.
(cont.)
Oh Jack, please forgive me.
She pulls Jack towards her and out of frame.
The scene cuts to them in bed. Jack’s awake, Madeline asleep a light is on next to Jack.
Jack (VO)
Screams like a baby and sleeps like one too…
(Looks down at Madeline)
(cont.)
Bitch
(Silence)
(Looks at Madeline.)
(cont.)
Why do I always fall for them…?
They don’t need me, I don’t need them…
Well maybe I do
Dames don’t screw guys like me, ‘less they want somethin’.
(Looks over at Madeline)
(cont.)
I ran the facts through my head,
The man under the bridge spoke the truth.
FBI’s corrupt, that may be true,
but that man hadda heart of gold
Only facts were spilled that night
Nice change.
(Pause)
(cont.)
But something didn’t fit.
I was between a rock and a hard place…
(pause)
(cont.)
She can’t be guilty.
(pause)
(cont.)
I carefully selected my thoughts this time.
Lookin for things that don’t fit
But… everything does.
(pause)
(cont.)
It fits all to well.
(Finishes cigarette)
Jack gets out of the bed. He puts on his clothes and leaves.
End scene.
Int./ Jacks office day jack
Jack is in his office again, but this time is lying on top of his desk. With a bottle in his hand.
Jack (vo)
I’ll show that dame
I’ll show her who’s a patsy.
Jack gets out a piece of paper and starts writing down the events of the past few weeks. The camera catches him writing “George Vodell killed Shaun O’Connell,” him signing it. Then you see him throwing all the case files and a notepad into a manila folder entitled “O’Connell”
Int. / Confessional Evening Jack/priest
Jack is in confessional talking to priest. He has finished his story.
Jack
…and so know you’ve heard it all.
That’s the crop.
Priest
That is a very nice story.
But it doesn’t make sense.
Jack
What part?
Priest
The ending. Why do you come to the killer?
Why do you come to me?
[I almost don’t want to shoot you.]
Jack
It was you in the apartment,
It was you all along.
It was you.
Pause
(cont.)
You’re good.
Getting Madeline to come to me: to seduce me.
Priest (a little angry)
I never told her to seduce you.
She did that, and almost died for it.
But she saved herself,
had a flash of brilliance.
To save herself.
Jack
The agent….of course!
You paid an actor.
Priest
Good for you. You solved the mystery.
The puzzle is finished.
…
Jack
Got any metaphors left.
Jack sits back in the confessional. Puts whiskey to his lips and prays.
Priest
Look at you, over the hill
and three sheets to the wind.
Piss drunk off your own sadness.
Pause. He changes his tone. His voice becomes softer, kidder, more seducing.
(cont.)
Not everything the actor said was a lie.
In fact most of it true.
Cept’ for the corrupt police.
Their closing in on the truth.
Jack
So now you gonna put me to the big sleep?
Burn powder on my account?
Get a patsy to save yourself.
Jack starts laughing.
Priest
Yes. Knowledge is a horrible thing.
Jack starts laughing harder. He gets maniacal…the priest pulls out a gun. The gun is black, cocks it, the shot cuts to the exterior of the confessional: a shot rings through the church. The priest comes out of the confessional putting the gun back into his robes. He goes into Jacks part of the confessional. And starts searching his body.
Priest (to himself)
Come on…where’s that note…
The priest finds the note, puts it into his pocket. He takes out his gun, he wipes his prints off and puts the gun in Jacks hand. Goes into another room. Types up on a typewriter: “I, Jack Pointer, killed Shaun O’Connell.” Then goes to a window. Takes out Jack’s note. And sees his signature on it. The priest put the note he wrote above Jack’s note and them both on top of the window. He forges Jack’s signature. Then puts his note onto Jack’s body instead of Jack’s original note. When he puts that note away a key ring falls out of Jack’s pocket. On one of the keys is written “office”
End scene
Int./ Jacks Office Night Priest
The priest walks slowly, slyly into Jack’s empty black hole of an office. He see’s everything in the room. Then his eyes catch a folder on the desk. His arm pushes everything, but that note off the desk. Opening the folder he sees a picture of Madeline and himself. He knows what the folder is. He finds trashcan and puts it at his feet. Then he takes out a match and lights the folder on fire, then throwing the folder into the trashcan he walks out of the room.
The End
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Deon reviewed Version 1 -
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cooeedownunder reviewed Version 1 -
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I commend you on the effort for this being your first script. A few observations though below…Fee free to use or ignore as you see fit.
You slug lines need to be in CAPS.
When you introduce a character you need to put their name in CAPs and provide their age, and a short description of the person.
EG.
EXT. CHURCH – DAY
JACK, 30, arrogant or whatever? looks up at the spires and gargoyles. He is drunk.
When you going from outside to inside you need to show this
Eg
Finishes a cigarette, stomps it out under his boot, walks up the steps and into—
INT. CHURCH – DAY
the building and takes of his hat.
A SOUND (what sound can he hear).
CRASH
When he looks around what do we see? How does he react? Show the viewer.
Again when jack goes into confession you need to show it. How far away is from when he walks in, what does the room look like.
Doesn’t the priest normally sit on the other side in a different room.
Are we going to see this priest?
There is two ways you could do this. One is to only have Jack on screen and let the audience hear the priest – this would give a little bit of mystery. Also when a character speaks this in CAPS
Eg.
JACK
Hello?
PRIEST (O.S) OS The priest is off screen.
Oh, sorry about the scare, I dropped a vase.
Need any help?
Alternatively you are going to have to show both places. Easiest way to do this is;
Is up until Jack says hellow; then cut to the scene with the priest
INT. CONFESSIONAL BOX – DAY
PRIEST
Oh, sorry ect
EXT. CHURCH – DAY
JACK
More than you know.
With your next scene you need to remember that slug lines are for three things. To show the scene is inside or outside. INT or EXT where the scene takes place, ROOM or whatever, and time of day. DAY or NIGHT – There should be no characters names on this l ine;
Interior Day Office Jack/Madeline
This should read;
INT. OFFICE – DAY
You also don’t need to use the words close up. It is up to the director to decide camera angles, and yours to provide what is visually happening.
With screenplays gramma rules to an extent don’t apply. You description lines should contain just enough information that is visual. And it should always be written in the present tense.
You could try something like this rough example;
Books. Ashtray overflowed with buts. Smoke rising. (what is inifinity? Remember that you can only show what someone watching the movie will see.
A light on the table shows our hero, – Who is the hero? The audience sees the name plague – but you need to tell the reader who this character is?
Again when you introduce the woman, you need to give a name, age, and description.
MADELINE, 20?, blond, buxom, sexy as hell?
With the next line I was confused if this was still the voice over or the scene.
I knew she had a case for me, dames like that don’t show up just to visit. My heart stopped when I laid eyes on her.
You need to remember that movies are driven my images, with the next line show how she is slightly hurt, but amused? Show us by either conversation, but better images.
Madeline is slightly hurt, but amused by his naïve view of her.
The whole paragraph could be done with much less words. You have repeated what is happening.
The audience wont know anything about her having signed other business contracts.
She pouts, her eyes narrow, then she stares at Jack cooly, almost appearing amused.
MADELINE
You’d be surprised what I know, Mr Jack
You don’t need to say End of Scene. By starting the next scene we automatically know the last one has ended.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
Jack and Madeline are walking into the apartment building.
If jack and madeline are walking into the building, stick to present tense.
Jack and Madeline walk towards the building.
The go to the next scen.
INT. MADELINES PLACE – DAY
I won’t go on, because it will cost you too many points, but I did read it all. It has great potential. The tone fits nicely with this type of story. If you haven’t done so yet, grab hundreds of screenplays and study the format of them. They can be downloaded free of charge over the internet.
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SIM reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey a very fun read, despite the horrific arangment of the script by the Urbis page. They really need to help the screen writers with that shit as your characters are hard to find through the bizzar line changes and such. But this is a very nice piece of film noir. I love the style you have created and you kept very closely to the genre.
You have some really great noir style lines in this such as:
I want my case solved Mr. Pointer, not filed. Jack (VO) (sarcastically) Really. I would have never guessed.
and three sheets to the wind.
Piss drunk off your own sadness.
Just let me get rid of him and we can run-away together.
Look at you, over the hill
I especially like the idea that Jack who I was routing for throug out the piece dies in the end. One concern though is that you had VO scenes where Jack is our narrator. In truth this is a problem since he is dead. You may have to rethink that a little. There are also grammar issues, although not so many that it bothered my while I was reading it. In truth you should take a look at a rewrite my friend because its probably the 2nd best script I’ve read on Urbis.
www.siminoe.com
LyriqueTragedy reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it would help if you clarified whether this is supposed to be an homage to Film Noir, or a new attempt for a noir film.
There are certain elements that work very well—the Voice Overs are your strongest parts of this script, for the most part. The other decsriptions need to be corrected for spelling and punctuation (it can get very confusing when reading a sting of fragments and commas when you’re trying to piece together a scene as a director).
The other thing I would say needs attention is there needs to be something between Jack and Madeline meeting. If they walk around together immediately following their meeting, it not only makes Jack look suspect right from the get go, but diminishes the mystery of your femme fatale.
If he knew her kind right from the moment she walked in, why would he not immediately suspect her in the murder? She comes off as an intelligent woman from the start, so what makes her different to Jack (the jaded PI)?
Toxictears reviewed Version 1 -
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over all very descriptive, was kind of hard to follow about midway through though,that may be my lack of expirience in reading screan play type work,very good effort though
barbie79512 reviewed Version 1 -
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January 01, 2007
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I like the fact that your first script does not suck (at all) but the format issues may be in fact from the site….not you, so, quickly….
EXT. CHURCH – NIGHT
This is, as you know, the action block, but be careful not to describe things like you would in prose. You tend to tell us a thought, or internal motivation. Remember to show, not tell, telling is not as exposition and needs to be handled correctly.
This entire CLOSE UP, PAN. And any other screen directions are not allowed in scripts, you need to (do not write) cut to a new scene, and head it:
INT. CHURCH – DAY
We hold TIGHT on the face of so and so…
I like your script, and may suggest reading the dialogue more, as it does tend to be either on the nose, or at times, contrived. All the parenthetical are a distraction and maybe too much opening Voice over stuff. I think you can find a better way to jump into this story, as it is a good one. I think you should READ AS MANY scripts as you can.
Good luck.
TFS