Poetry / Because of You

You have a strong passionate voice on this one. The emotion is radiating off of this one and I like that. It’s a sad reality what teens do to other teens in high school and this poem captured a piece of that. I’m not a fan of curse words, but somehow this just worked. However, I would like to see you express the f*word in other words, in a more creative way—you’ve definately got the talent. I look forward to reading more of your work. And remember high school doesn’t last forever. Thank God! ;)

You cap’d all the lines except for the last line. Proof read.

Punctuation helps the reader. If your not sure how; get help from someone. Write me and I will help – free – others will too, I bet.

Incorrect capital letters; lots.

Excluding the two liner rhyme scheme, there is no other use of literary devices, i.e.; consonance, onomatopoeia, metaphor… Give at least one sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, time or motion.

Who is “You”; what are they doing?

Man can not live by “f” word alone.

I know this sounds mean, but my 1st poems at 14 and 15 y.o. were much like this. Keep working at it; you got talent/desire. You should be admired for taking the 1st steps to express yourself and be free in your own skin. Besides Urbis poets, read and study the great masters and proof read like an f-ing S.o.B.

Different a bit discreet with the meaning but I sitll enjoyed it.

A very bitter piece, or that is the emotion that comes across to me.

It seems to be empty though. You command the reader to open their eyes… I was ready to be shown something other than to be told a generalization. Show me whats wrong with society, show me what drives them to suicide, show me what I do to cause this.  

It sounds like your trying to force the rhymes, try to follow a meter and then put the rhymes in.

I liked how you chose to capitalize some words in some lines of the poem, capitalization is a great tool for emphasis.

Wow, thats awesome and so very true!

In the writer’s notes, being specific would help – which part of society is killing us – gov’t, legistlature, losers, IRS – so many choices – but I guess that leaves us to adopt the poem in our own way.  I would uncapitilize what is unnecessary the breaks in the lines are to help the poetry flow, when you start a line with a capital letter essentially you are starting a new verse – which clearly you don’t mean to – it’s like coloring outside the lines and thinking it’s pretty.  Use your own colors, but stay in the lines so we can read properly.  I think that this poem could go on and would be great for lyrics to something like Rage or Pennywise.  

I am not sure how to take the seemingly random capitalization—following after Dickinson, maybe?  The rhymes are just a bit too amateur and I can’t really buy the angst because of the sing-songy rhymes.  

Anyway, even if I did understand the random caps and got over the rhymes, I still would be lost in the dark.  The line ‘doin’ what you always do’ is a case in point—I had no desire to care about the people against whom the poem is written.  I don’t even know what they did wrong!  (or who THEY are) Is there some image or explanation that the author could provide that may cause a little more interest or evoke some engagement from the reader?

I really like L6 (could be the title to a song).  Typo in L7 (“The” should be “They”?).  I think you ought to expand this and turn it into rap lyrics, this could be the refrain and the rest of the lyrics specific examples of what you are talking about.  It really lends itself to that expression.  I don’t mind the word fuck, but once is enough for emphasis, if that’s all it’s being used for.  Otherwise, it sounds like you need a date with a dictionary to find some new adjectives.  But then again, in a rap setting, it works just fine.  

I like the content of the poem. The anger comes across well. I’d add more punctuation to break it up some. Right now technically speaking it should read as one long run on setence with no pausing. The flow works well. 5/10