Poetry / "DELAYED SORROW"

Wow! Very good use of rhyme, cadence, and imagery. I really like how the jawbone clicks and clacks and clutters. I really don’t have any suggestions for improving this poem.
I would like to recommend a continuation of the story concerning how the daughter is trying to communicate with her. Think about how she could do this through ocean sea creatures like a crab crawling on the sand or starfish waiting for the ocean to pick her up off the beach. As you mentioned, she is in search of her daughter. Give it a whirl and see if you can write a second poem related to this one.

Crytic and some beautiful imagery. The flow is a little choppy, not so much the meter but how you jump from idea to idea. That can actually be a good thing. Chaos can be an interesting quality, but it doesn’t work very well here. Not to say that this is chaotic, but instead you could consider rearranging it so it weaves throughout your descriptions. It has almost a modern style to it, yet some of the rhymes do seemed a little forced:

Who rises from the water
Searching for her daughter

Are you writing some of this just because it rhymes? Poetry doesn’t always have to and that’s a wonderful thing.  While some professors may not agree, the beautiful thing about poetry is that it has no rules. You are free to express yourself using whatever words you please. Makes no sense? It doesn’t matter… it is YOUR poem and this is MY opinion. The major thing is that you decide what audience you are writing for… that’s where URBIS places you on the standards against what people expect. In my book, you have some brilliant things going on here. I love the melancholic imagery and the ways in which you pursue writing your concepts.

I love this, and the lines that follow: “Combing the sea with impotent bones”

I also like how it gains more meaning with each continued reading. I would just consider re-editing it so it really “wows” the reader the first time through. You have a talent and you know it!

I really enjoyed this. In my opinion, it’s exquisite. Your use of imagery is fantastic, not to mention all of the emotion you’ve packed it with. I honestly enjoyed it. There are some things you could work on though (which is what these reviews are for, right?) but not really any big problems. Your ryhme scheme is a little off. I do that too. :] But, I feel that to make the poem flow a little better, either make it all completely random or stick to one scheme. (Really great work!)

There are really really awesome moments here, vivid imagery of the impotent bones and the clicking jaw. However, the problem here is the rhythm. It’s really off. The thing is that it wouldn’t even matter if you weren’t trying to rhyme. So, if the rhyme is really important to you, I would play around with special attention to meter, and give these beautiful images a flow. Or, you could try to do without the rhyme altogether. It’s on it’s way to being something great.

oh my gosh! i really love this. i think it is beautiful in its imagery. the longing is so intense. if  i could add this to a “favorites” i certainly will!

Well this was a strange breath of fresh stale sea air. As I started to read it I really thougtht it was going to be a run of the mill poem, someone tryint to make death sound cool and pretend they were Edgar Allen Poe. As I went from line to line I found I was not reading but rather being pulled foreward by the writer (you) and that was beautiful surprise. I thought the ending lines were great, wehre you talk of the Jawbone, and then how its aches, refering to human emtion and to the arthitic mess that has taken over the skeleton. Then to bring it together with the inability to utter one last word from the toothless face. Very well put. I would like to try and understand a bit more about the child though. I think the child was lost in a wreck? is that correct? and now the mom comes looking for it with much dismay? Either way I thought it was a great job. Great words.

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November 19, 2007

by mannequingirl

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Thanks for pushing past the initial “here comes another run of the mill death poem.” I’m glad the words took you somewhere.  Yes, child was lost in a shipwreck of sorts…

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The images that you present in this piece are fantastic. The broken mirror of the sea and combing with impotent bones are very powerful.  The last stanza is not as strong, in my opinion, as the first two. I am not 100% certain what you are aiming for with it.  However, overall a good piece.

Brilliant! I Love it.
Beautifully written.  There is a sadness in this piece which has a drawing effect. It felt as though I were walking upon the words.
I love a poem that touches my Spirit, Kudos! Nice work

The morning mist, very clever.