I’ve had this problem often, perhaps you can help me fix it. The speaker in the poem…is a woman not a man. I thought that the line “laying her head on my naked breast” made that clear….i know that older poetry referrs to the chest as breast for both man and woman but contemporary usage generally doesnt. Any suggestions on how to make this more clear without stating it outright?
Poetry / Patient Mistress
I’m in a committed relationship
She says to me, pulling a tank top on over her naked breasts
I prop myself up on one arm lazily
Sprawled across the bed
Like the Cheshire cat with a belly full of milk
I say
I know
She tells me he’s a contractor
Points out the little white line on the third finger of her left hand
That I noticed after about the second drink
And tells me they’re getting married in December
A Christmas wedding
The bridesmaids are wearing red dresses with white fur trim
And carrying bouquets of holly
Then she says to me
He works nights a lot. A lot.
I really love him
She says to me, pulling a pair of jeans up over her hips
I close my eyes and let the cool September air from a cracked window
Play over my skin
I am unconcerned by her obsession with this man
I say
I know
She tells me they’re buying a new house
One with five extra bedrooms to fill with children
And a backyard big enough for a pool
She tells me that the master bedroom has a Jacuzzi tub
And invites me over for dinner and drinks once she’s settled in
The wedding has been pushed back to Valentines day
The bridesmaids are carrying roses
Then she asks me
When can I see you again?
He’s a really great guy
She says to me, curling up next to me on the pull-out couch
I run my fingertips over the curve of her side
Nuzzle my nose into the crook of her neck
The Christmas tree in the corner casts multi-colored light on her skin
And makes her look unearthly
I say
I know
She tells me that he got a promotion
They’ve decided that kids should wait another couple of years
But they still want them
Someday
The wedding is scheduled for the first day of spring
Bridesmaids are wearing yellow sundresses and carrying daises
Then she asks me
You’re going to be there, aren’t you?
She says nothing to me
Heavy breathing contentedly
Laying her head on my naked breast
I run my fingers through her hair and smile to myself
The jaccuzi tub is still whirling away
Waiting for a second coming
I run my fingers over her still-moist back
And kiss the top of her forehead
The little white line on the third finger of her left hand
Has faded away over the months
May has come and gone
And so has he
Drifting into peaceful sleep she peers up and says to me
I really thought he was the one
I say
I know
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tander3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the imagery in this poem. The transition of the seasons and the relation to the clothing of the bridesmaids was unique and ingenius in my opinion. The repetition [I say/I know] was skillfully done—only included when needed.
I enjoyed how the opening threw me directly into the thick of a scene.
This poem truly flowed. I can’t really say that I would change anything. I feel that if I had’ve written it, I would have…in this way. Lovely.
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The_Omnicron reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, what a subtle and great way to describe an affair and another man taking over someone’s elses life. This poem is great, I see no problems with it. I love it, it says so much in so few words and yet somehow is a little creepy in a good way. I loved it and I will read it again and again.
OfTrepidation reviewed Version 1 -
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i really really enjoyed this. although i cannot relate to the story, i think it is a wonderful and beautiful poem. I love the visuals and how it slowly went from her love for this other man and how the relationship gently and slowly faded.
momsgirl2 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, what an idea and you carried it through to a real ending,,I wanted to laugh after the wedding was being delayed the first time and she didn’t care as much as she spoke of or she would not have been with another ,,And the last her saying this she thought was really the one brought out more laughter as she was heading down a one way street all along..Good job. i think this is cute and correct and true about so many people these days and the commitments they make..Can’t wait to read more of your stuff..I am momsgirl2,,please add me as friend and let me know who you are so i can read more of your work.
pph reviewed Version 1 -
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my first ever nine rating. this writing in real, engaging, knowing, tender, easy to read and has been written by a loving hand. i would gladly pay for work by this author. pph
clearly_vague reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how you weave together the descriptive story line of the affair taking place with the side story of the woman’s plans. The progression of time within the piece is subtle and transitions well. By the end I actually feel sorry for this woman that he’s gone. she loves him a lot after all.
ErickaBlack reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this a lot. The set up really adds to the impact of the poem.
The emotions ring true even though the author never actually states how the characters are feeling.
Perhaps I liked this so much because it put to words what I have wished for.
Nice work. It really tugs at the heartstrings.
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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Sometimes people can,t see love when it stares them in the eyes, people need time ,not empty promises and material goods.
Simply written and true i think of many relationships of covenience.
Perhaps its the narrator she should marry.
Maybe he does’nt have the fantasy house she wants though.
I think speech marks would work where there is dialogue.
shella_rene reviewed Version 1 -
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The title of this threw me a little at first, but once I got done reading it I realized it fits. I would suggest you add a little something to show the time changes though. It was a little confusing how they all just meshed together with no indication. Your flow here is excellent, and I love the way you described everything. This was a slow, mellow read…. I enjoyed it very much, and I like the repetition of “I say….. I know”
gabbynat reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this, the emotions come across very well. Any criticism I have seems unimportant when compared to the piece as a whole. I think my favorite parts are the descriptions of the narrater… for example “I prop myself up on one arm lazily. Sprawled across the bed. Like the Cheshire cat with a belly full of milk.” and “I run my fingertips over the curve of her side. Nuzzle my nose into the crook of her neck.” Great visuals.
Switching the point of view is kind of tricky sometimes… going from “she said” to just having the character speak the line… be careful that it’s always clear exactly who is speaking.
In the last section, I would change the verb in the line “I run my fingers through her hair and smile to myself” only because you use it again in my favorite line of the whole thing “I run my fingers over her still-moist back
And kiss the top of her forehead” I think using the same word twice takes away from both actions a little. You could slide your fingers through her hair, or comb them, tangle them…lol.. anything else you want.
It makes me wonder if the narrator wants more from the woman. He/she is either content with what they have or very self confident that things will end in their favor. Did you have a particular sex in mind for the narrator or leave it ambiguous on purpose. I pictured the narrator as female because of the line “Laying her head on my naked breast”... not that men don’t have breasts… LOL, but my brain just went that way…. I’m curious now about your point of view.
Overall terrific job… one of if not the best I’ve read.
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