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Poetry / Become...
The bright green eyes flash with the torture of panic,
Knowing only the possibility of a failed future.
With one fell swoop they take in their surroundings;
The darkened silhouettes of mangled trees still standing after the weeks of storm,
A ripple flowing evenly across the black lake of torment;
Evenly, as if an unseen hand was slowly pushing the aquatic mass towards the shore.
Leaves rustling across the barren yard, slowly turning over themselves
With an onslaught from purposeful gusts of wind.
Yet through this landscape of pasts now presented,
A single unopened package lay at the feet
With knotted bows begging to be pulled.
Inside lies uncertainty, determination, and restraint;
The uncertainty of having knowledge;
Determination to determine what we know.
Restraint restraining every instinct to pull the knot,
Untangle the mass that lay ahead.
And through all this the eyes stare without intent into the distance,
Staring through the glossed screen that is ever present between our minds and the mystery of the outside world.
While restraining ourselves, we are determined to know the uncertainty of truth,
For with knowing the truth inside we perceive ourselves.
Just as a mirror enables us to perceive our physical being,
The gift ahead presents us with a view of ourselves,
A view to the inside of what lay wrapped with dignity and care.
And with that the eyes begin to glow a bright red of passionate desire,
The desire to prolong the inevitable;
To become more than what we are physically.
With that intelligence, that fervor and spark of ignition within,
The body walks away from the box, leaves it to mingle in the dark surroundings;
Strolls right by the availability of everything nameless.
Yet with that lope, that uninhibited stride, the package blows into oblivion.
Knowledge of the unknown stays discreet, keeping its secrets safe.
However, simply knowing that there is so much more to know, we have gained infinite knowledge.
We have surpassed all those before, all those with dulled vision,
Blurred by ego.
We have become…
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FireAtWilll013 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really love this poem. I’m going to add it to my favorites.
I love it so much I can’t think of anything to say about it, lol.
“A ripple flowing evenly across the black lake of torment;
Evenly, as if an unseen hand was slowly pushing the aquatic mass towards the shore.” <-—- I absolutely love those two lines. It paints an amazing picture.
I loved it, keep up the amazing work!
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the_girl_in_the_shadows reviewed Version 2 -
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The metaphorical language you choose is bold and innovative. You begin on a descriptive note and become increasingly philosophical in tone. I see this package as a metaphor for the gift of the future and the self creative process. This interpretation I come to largely because of the reviewer note which reads “become what? ask yourself that…”
You should be careful about the notion of “infinite knowledge,” as all
knowledge is finite, fallible, and subject to revision.
I feel a disconnect in the way that the landscape image (trees, lake) fit into the larger question of what we can become. If these are metaphors or images that relate to your later concepts and the package, I would integrate them more fully into the poem; if not I would suggest deleting them. The package as well could be more adequately integrated with the strong ideas you have about human knowledge and embodiment.
Overall I would suggest giving some thought to organization—the poem moves very quickly through different concepts, some which are mentioned only once. Stanzas would help it become more reader-friendly, and would help your ideas come through more effectively. Sometimes your meanings are lost in the lack of organization. The poem is also a bit too wordy as it stands.
I would suggest some cutting. You might even want to consider breaking it up into multiple poems.
good work overall; the piece has a lot of potential.
anji13 reviewed Version 2 -
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great work here
i like things that keep you thinking after they are done.
my favorite line here is this, “simply knowing that there is so much more to know, we have gained infinite knowledge.”
sounds like something i read in a book by the dali lama.
we have become…
nothing more then what we were meant to become…the ever plowing journey of evolution.
thanks for posting.
anji
Erendar reviewed Version 2 -
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This is truly a brilliant poem. You create such soncrete images yet the entire work is surrounded by so much uncertainty, we see these scenes so clearly, but are always kept questioning. That being said there are just a few small things…You have a coupple exceptionally long lines in here, I would suggest breaking them up. Its such a great poem but you don’t want it to get tiresome to read. The overall length is fine(just saying). Your one line, “staring…world” I would suggest breaking that apart either after “screen,” or before “between”, just 2 possibilities. Finally, at the end, the “blurred by ego”,because it is disconnected it creates confusion as to whether or not your talking about us, or the “dulled” people. Repeating “all those” for a thrid time before that could add some power to the line and it would also tie it together. And your ending is brilliant, it reminds me of some Frost poems that I have read, truly creative. Your work is excellent and full of passion, how poetry should be.
Erendar
GaeligGoddess reviewed Version 1 -
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The overall concept of this piece is grand. It’s introspective and comparative. It reminds me very much of some of my early writings when I was looking into myself and trying to find answers to the question, ‘Who am I?’ Its curious to me, as well, that you set the searcher on a higher plane than that of the average accepting person. Can you give a definative reason for this?
I also liked the way you played with words, using various forms and tenses to make your point. Doing that makes it a bit long, so there is a trade off. Most anthologies contain short, to the point works.
tlong07 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m only saying a 6 on the goal becuase I don’t know too much about the poetry thing and how things go about getting published and what not.
But as far as the txt goes, I loved it. The first two lines really hooked me because there are times I look around and hope I’m not failing, at everything: life, school, relationships. And this really spoke to me
November 13, 2006
Deleted User
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You have good instincts when it comes to this specific piece. The first line stands out in particular, but the use of adjectives in the poem draws away from the impact of the poem.
An edit of the first line I would suggest:
The green eyes flash with the torture of panic,
With this, I can see the eye are bright with the use of the word flash and the torture, it’s a solid enough word that it doesn’t need a modifyer.
Usually I am a huge critic of abstraction, but since this is an open ended poem, it works very well.
I would suggest you look at your line breaks more effectively though. THe lines should end/begin with words for the maximum impact.
nicole_please reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really good. The imagery really allowed me to paint a picture in my mind and it kind of looked like the wasteland in the matrix. I think that there is a really profound message behind this piece, and that the last few lines, and especially the part “blurred by ego” kick ass. I don’t think the “present presented presents” or any parts with repetition like it really fits in. With the big descriptions and the way this poem is played out, the repetition seems a little too much and even a little contrived. Other than that it was great.
crimson007 reviewed Version 1 -
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I would love to hear this spoken by the writer..it seems like it would be even more powerful that way. The words seem to roll off the tongue, and the imagery is superb. As far as criticism, the only part that, to me, was a bit jumbled and confusing was this bit, ‘The uncertainty of having knowledge, the knowledge of knowing what we lack.
Determination to determine the lack of knowing what we know.’ Just a personal opinion. Overall, I thought it was very strong and really enjoyed reading it.
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