Screenplay / Writers Block
ACT ONE
EXT. MALIBU BANQUET HALL – NIGHT-1986
RICH MCDONNEL PACES NERVOUSLY IN THE PARKING LOT WITH A SEALED LETTER IN HIS HANDS.
RICH
You’ll feel better once you give it to her.
RICH TAKES ONE SLOW STEP TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE, A COUPLE WALK OUT STARING AT HIM WEARYINGLY.
RICH
(sarcastically)
Hi, how are you? Great evening.
THE COUPLE STROLLS OFF.
RICH
Morons, people always have to stare.
RICH LOOKS AT THE DOOR AS HE WIPES SWEAT FROM HIS FOREHEAD WITH THE SLEEVE OF HIS TUXEDO.
RICH
Don’t be a coward. You love her.
RICH FORCES HIMSELF TO THE BIG FRONT DOORS.
RICH
Hey, this is a celebration. Why should I worry?
RICH PULLS THE HEAVY DOORS OPEN.
INT. BANQUET ROOM – CONTINUOUS
HUGE CHANDELIERS SHOWER GOLDEN LIGHT ON A FULL ROOM OF SOCIALITES, CELEBRITIES AND THEIR DATES.
RICH
I’m not ready for this.
RICH’S PARENTS APPEAR FROM OUT OF THE CROWD.
MOM
Richey honey! Congratulations on your success!
RICH
Thanks ma.
RICH WARMLY KISSES HIS MOMS CHEEK.
DAD
We really are proud of you son. And to think you were living in our basement six years ago.
RICH
Better not take that cot out just yet pops. This is a flaky business.
DAD
Oh, go on.
RICH
Excuse me guys I have to say hi to the others.
RICH LEAVES HIS PARENTS AS HE MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD. A WAITER PASSES BY WITH WINE.
RICH
Excuse me sir, what kind of wine is that?
WAITER
Its a california white wine. Kind of a woody hint with a lemony after taste.
RICH TAKES TWO GLASSES OF WINE. HE TURNS AND SLOWLY SQUEEZES INTO THE GROUP OF TELEVISION WRITERS.
RICH
(announcing)
A toast! To our third season of a different world!
THE GROUP ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES. RICH’S EX BETH LOWELL AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND PAUL STAND BY HIM.
RICH
This is a great show, I think we can keep going with the right writers.
THE REST OF THE ROOM SLOWLY STARTS PAYING ATTENTION. THE DJ TURNS THE MUSIC DOWN.
RICH
And let me say that none of you are them!
THE CROWD CHUCKLES. RICH CHUGS HIS GLASS.
RICH
To our studio head mister Hemhock! Thank you for censoring all the good jokes!
THE CROWD LAUGHS AS AN UNIMPRESSED MR HEMHOCK FROWNS WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED.
RICH
And to our sponsors, who can sell dope to a two year old.
A BALD MAN EATING CHEETOS AND DRINKING A COKE SNEERS AT RICH.
RICH
But to hell with all this! We’re here to have a good time. Here’s to airing into the nineties!
THE CROWD CLAPS, GLASSES HAPPILY CLINK. THE DJ CRANKS WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO BY WHAM.
BETH
That was cute.
RICH SWAGGERS AND DANCES TOWARDS BETH AND PAUL AS THE CROWD SHAMELESSLY BEGINS TO DANCE.
RICH
Hey guys. How’s it going?
BETH
You’ve met Paul right?
RICH
This your new main squeeze? Hi Paul.
PAUL
(nervously)
oh, hi.
RICH DOESN’T RESPOND.
PAUL
Why don’t I go get us some drinks?
BETH
Don’t leave..
RICH
Thanks Paul.
PAUL WALKS AWAY.
RICH
I have something for you.
BETH
What is it?
RICH HANDS BETH THE ENVELOPE WITH HIS SWEATY HAND. SHE QUICKLY TUCKS IT IN HER PURSE.
RICH
That’s what you leave me for, a pipsqueak like that?
BETH
This envelope better have a big check in it.
RICH
Well its more of a…
RICH’S PARENTS FIND THEM.
MOM
There you are. Hi Beth!
BETH
Hi miss Mcdonnel, how are you?
MOM
Speak up honey! This racket is incredibly loud!
BETH
Hi miss Mcdonnel!!
MOM
Oh, hi!
DAD
Hope you’re taking care of our boy. He told me you two are headed to the bahamas.
BETH
The bahamas huh?
BETH TURNS A SHARP EYE TOWARDS RICH.
BETH
You haven’t told your parents we aren’t together anymore?!
RICH
No, I wanted to…
BETH
Goddamnit Rich. What do you think this is?
RICH
You had to come here with one of the Back street boys!
BETH
It doesn’t matter what I do!
MOM
Oh a lovers quarrel!
RICH
I wouldn’t come in here with another woman out of respect for you!
DAD
Need respect for a relationship to work.
BETH
That’s why I found you in bed with our cleaning lady you prick!
DAD
Remember when we used to fight like that?
MOM
We’d make love like dogs afterwards.
RICH
We weren’t having sex. She was showing me how she cleans sheets in her country.
DAD
Sheets need cleaning.
MOM
Oh yes.
PAUL WALKS UP OBLIVIOUS.
PAUL
Hey guys, I got some beers!
RICH AGGRESSIVELY SNATCHES A BEER FROM PAULS HAND MAKING ANOTHER BEER SMASH ON THE GROUND. BEER SPLATTERS ON BETH’S GOWN.
BETH
Bull shit Rich! I can’t believe I’m stuck working for you!
MOM
She loves him.
RICH
I’m sorry about that.
DAD
Love will do that to you.
PAUL
I’ll get some napkins.
RICH
No, I’ll do it.
BETH
Get away you Jerk!
RICH BACKS OFF CLEARLY HURT.
MOM
What’d she say?
DAD
Something about work.
BETH
Just leave Rich.
RICH
You know what, I think I will. It’s a nice night out, think I’ll walk. Which car is yours?
BETH
Why?
RICH
So I know which one to key on the way out. Looks like it’s gonna be an early night mom. Call me, we’ll have breakfast.
MOM
Yes honey, you need a designated driver.
RICH
what??
DAD
Don’t mind her son, she’s had a few margaritas.
RICH
Hey do me a favor.
BETH
What’s that?
RICH
Don’t come in on monday. I don’t want to see your face.
DAD
(to mom)
They’re going to meet at his place.
BETH
You’re firing me?!
RICH
Now you don’t have to see me anymore.
BETH
Fuck you Rich!
MOM
She loves you Rich!
RICH WEAVES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR AND OUT INTO THE CRISP NIGHT.
ACT TWO
INT. STUDIO EXECUTIVES OFFICE -- DAY- PRESENT DAY
A HUNG OVER RICH MCDONNEL STANDS BEFORE A PANEL OF STUFFY STUDIO EXECUTIVES WEARING BLACK SUNGLASSES SIPPING FROM A PAPER CUP OF COFFEE.
STUDIO EXEC 1
So what makes people want to see this show?
RICH
The same reason people slow down on the freeway when they see an accident. You can’t help but watch!
STUDIO EXEC 2
What?
RICH
Look, This is a guy who saw his own brother die of a drug overdose right in front of him. Now he is out with a vendetta against drug dealers to avenge his death. He’s a neighborhood hero on a global scale!
STUDIO EXEC 1
What’s the working title?
RICH
Sunset Nights or Druggies Paradise. I haven’t decided yet.
STUDIO EXEC 2
So this is about a cop in hollywood? And he’s fighting to get drugs off the streets? Sounds cliché.
RICH
It’s not cliché, its about living on the edge. Glamour of nights in L.A. The rough and the beautiful molded..
STUDIO EXEC 1
Would you mind stepping out into the hallway?
RICH
Sure, take your time.
RICH EXITS THE OFFICE.
STUDIO EXEC 1
When has he failed us in the past?
STUDIO EXEC 2
We need young blood. Our main audience is in between the ages of sixteen and thirty two.
STUDIO EXEC 1
We don’t have other ideas for the new fall season anyhow. Who else should we go with?
STUDIO EXEC 2
What about the show pitch about a highly allergic woman living with a talking cat?
STUDIO EXEC 3
You think that’s better than sunset nights?
STUDIO EXEC 2
He’ll take a bag of dirt for a deal. He’s a pigeon.
STUDIO EXEC 1
Jeez Ed, what got your panties in a bundle?
STUDIO EXEC 2
I guess you can say we have a history together. I helped him produce Different Strangers.
STUDIO EXEC 1
The show about a conservative German sharing an apartment with a jamaican?
CUT TO.
INT. APARTMENT – DAY
A DUSTY HAIRED JAMAICAN MAN RECLINES ON A COUCH SMOKING A HUGE JOINT. A GERMAN SOLDIER AGGRESSIVELY ENTERS THE APARTMENT.
JAMAICAN MAN
Hey mon!
GERMAN
Schnell!!!
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY—CONTINUOUS
RICH LEANS UP AGAINST THE DOOR TO LISTEN IN. HE BITES HIS LIP TO CONTAIN HIS EXCITEMENT.
INT. STUDIO EXECUTIVES OFFICE—CONTINUOUS
STUDIO EXEC 3
Rich? You want to..
RICH BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.
RICH
Yes, yes. What did you decide?
STUDIO EXEC 1
We came to a decision.
RICH
And you won’t regret it.
STUDIO EXEC 2
But we haven’t even told you yet.
RICH
I have faith in you guys.
STUDIO EXEC 1
We’re giving you the green light.
RICH
How much are we talking here?
STUDIO EXEC 3
Shows have a tendency to spark and explode or simply become a dud. We want to make sure this won’t fizzle.
RICH
Explosive ideas need the right support.
STUDIO EXEC 1
But even explosions turn to flames, and flames tend to die out.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE 1 SLIPS RICH THE CONTRACT ACROSS THE DESK.
RICH
Call the bomb squad boys, this ones gonna rock the city.
RICH LOOKS AT THE CONTRACT.
RICH
You’re not going to pay me till after the first episode airs?
STUDIO EXEC 2
Its a new measure the studio is taking to cut back until ratings exceed expectations.
RICH
This is blasphemy, you…
STUDIO EXEC 1
I trust you already have the other writers you need?
RICH
Some of the best, you wont be disappointed. What kind of deal is this?
STUDIO EXEC 2
We need their names for pay roll. Bring in their papers by the end of today, got it?
RICH
End of today. No worries, all under control.
STUDIO EXEC 3
Good, good. The writers, are they a strong bunch with fresh ideas?
RICH
Of course, only the best. You know that. Look who you’re talking too.
STUDIO EXEC 1
Alright, we’re trusting you Rich. We need a hit here.
RICH
And I will follow through with a great show.
STUDIO EXEC 2
We’ll see you here at six with everything filled out.
RICH
Six pm?
STUDIO EXEC 1
On the dot.
RICH EXITS THE ROOM.
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY—CONTINUOUS
RICH’S EYES BULGE HALFWAY OUT HIS HEAD.
RICH
Shit. I gotta find some writers.
INT. STUDIO EXECUTIVES OFFICE—CONTINUOUS
STUDIO EXEC 1
I hope we made the right decision.
STUDIO EXEC 2
God, he better bring us some ratings.
EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT—CONTINUOUS
RICH JUMPS INTO HIS CADILLAC. HIS ASSISTANT JASON PATIENTLY WAITS BEHIND THE WHEEL.
RICH
I got the green light on the show!
JASON
We air next season?
RICH
No, the show’s starting this season!
JASON
(uneasily)
But that means that..
RICH
We gotta do it! Do you see how crappy all the cop shows are nowadays. We’re a fucking shoe in.
JASON
We have to write a whole season in like two weeks!
RICH
And by the end of today we need all our writers names.
JASON
What other writers?
RICH
Exactly.
JASON
How are we pulling this off?
RICH
Put the pedal to the metal and zip your mouth. We’re putting a team together.
JASON
(shaking his head)
This is unrealistic. Some one needs to bring you back down to earth.
RICH
Enough! I already got those damn studio executives breathing down my neck.
JASON
I just don’t believe it’s feasible, you haven’t even consid…
RICH
Zip it or get out the car, there are a million kids that would take your spot in a second!
JASON
(sighing)
You’re right. I’ll do as much as I can to make the show happen.
RICH
I have an idea of who I’d like to ask first. Its a long shot but I’ll give it a try.
JASON
Where to?
RICH
Beverly Hills.
JASON
Beverly Hills it is.
THE CADILLAC SQUEAKS OUT OF THE BUSY STUDIO PARKING LOT. WHILE TURNING ONTO THE STREET THE CAR BACKFIRES.
ACT TWO
INT. RICHES CAR -FRONT OF BETH’S HOME- MOMENTS LATER
THE CAR STOPS IN FRONT OF A HUMBLE COTTAGE-ESQUE HOME ON A SHADY TREE FILLED STREET.
JASON
Who’s place is this?
RICH
Her name is Beth Lowell.
JASON STARTS TO SING THE THEME SONG FROM THE DIFFERENT STRANGERS.
JASON
(singing)
Different live’s put together, now we’re friends in different weather.
RICH
Don’t you dare sing another word of that damn song.
RICH LOOKS TO THE HOUSE.
RICH
Wait here.
RICH HOPS OUT OF THE CAR TOWARDS BETH’S FRONT DOOR.
JASON
(to himself)
Wait in the car he says, I’m the back bone of this operation. This wouldn’t even be happening if I wasn’t around.
JASON TAKES OUT HIS SIDEKICK AND STARTS TO EMAIL.
EXT. FRONT OF BETH’S HOME—DAY
RICH KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. A TEENAGER NAMED GARY WITH PIERCINGS COVERING HIS FACE ANSWERS WITH A BEER IN HAND.
RICH
Hi, I think I might have gotten the wrong house. Does Beth live?...
GARY SLOPPILY BURPS IN RICHES FACE.
RICH
Jesus christ kid! Didn’t your mom teach you some manners?
A VOICE CALLS OUT FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.
BETH
Gary, who’s at the door? What’s that yelling?
BETH GRACEFULLY APPEARS FROM BEHIND GARY.
BETH
Rich? Well, I didn’t think I’d see you around here.
RICH
Beth, how are you?
BETH
When did you get out of rehab?
RICH
Good one Beth, you always were a comedian.
INT. BETHS KITCHEN—CONTINUOUS – MORNING
BETH MAKES COFFEE AS RICH SITS AT THE KITCHEN BAR STOOL.
BETH
A cop drama huh? How do I know you’re not going to screw me like last time? Coffee?
RICH
Sure, That was out of my control. I’m the boss now.
BETH
You got caught by a studio head snorting coke in his office. Cream or sugar?
RICH
No thanks.
BETH
There’s the difference between me and you, I like some flavor.
BETH POURS CREAM INTO HER COFFEE.
RICH
And I like my coffee black. Straight to the point.
BETH PUTS THE COFFEE DOWN IN FRONT OF RICH.
BETH
Don’t you agree it needs to get some flavor on top of its harsh bite?
RICH
That’s lying, a cover up of it’s original intended taste.
BETH
You always were a stickler.
RICH
That’s the very reason why I need you around to spice things up.
BETH
What’s the premise?
RICH
A narcotics investigator who has a personal vendetta against the L.A. club druggie scene, it’s got everything! Dope, sex, money, action, romance…
BETH
Sounds semi interesting. You can still rant well.
RICH
Did I mention sex?
BETH
There’s something you’re not getting Rich. Life is different now, I have two kids.
RICH
(sarcastically)
Which are beautiful kids, but come on.
BETH
What’s that supposed to mean? You think I’m not a good parent?
RICH
No, I’m not saying that at all. The kid who answered the door is a saint.
BETH
Hold on, I have something for you.
RICH
What is it?
BETH
Give me a second.
BETH RUNS INTO THE NEXT ROOM AND RETURNS WITH AN ENVELOPE IN HER HANDS.
BETH
Take it.
BETH PUTS THE OLD ENVELOPE RICH GAVE TO HER YEARS BEFORE.
RICH
I gave this to you to confess my feelings about twenty years ago.
BETH
My how time flies. I thought you were giving me a severance check. Take it back.
RICH
Talk about degrading, jesus Beth.
BETH
I never even read it.
RICH
Why not?
BETH
I married Paul, Rich!
RICH RELUCTANTLY TAKES THE OLD ENVELOPE BACK.
RICH
Rip my heart out why don’t you!
RICH BANGS HIS FIST ON THE COUNTER CONTAINING HIMSELF TO SPEAK CLEARLY.
RICH
This isn’t about the past, I want you to work on this show.
BETH TURNS AROUND TOWARDS THE KITCHEN SINK. RICH PUTS THE ENVELOPE IN HIS COAT POCKET.
BETH
I’m gonna have to sleep on it.
RICH
Just think about what makes you happy, what are your priorities?
BETH WALKS RICH TO THE FRONT DOOR.
BETH
My kids are happiness and priorities wrapped into one.
RICH
Please, spare me.
EXT. FRONT OF BETH’S HOME—DAY – CONTINUOUS
RICH JUMPS INTO THE CAR.
RICH
(yelling playfully)
Your kids, they’re a lost cause. Come make television!
BETH SHAKES HER HEAD AS THE CAR SPEEDS OFF DOWN THE ROAD.
INT. RICHES CAR—MOMENTS LATER
RICH STUDIES THE OLD ENVELOPE AS JASON DRIVES.
JASON
How’d it go?
RICH
Eh, I got it under control.
JASON
Looks like it.
RICH
Shut up. You got any leads?
JASON
While you were inside I googled the best young writers in Hollywood.
RICH
Who do you suggest?
JASON
Have you heard of a Daryld Jerard?
RICH
No.
JASON
He wrote and directed “Break Yo Self.” It won the academy award for best screenplay. He’s real hot right now.
RICH
Aiming high, I like that.
JASON
I already took the liberty of looking him up. I have his address.
RICH
How did you get that?
JASON
Lets just say that I have a cyber map to the stars.
RICH
Lets go. He’ll let me in. Everybody knows who I am.
JASON LOOKS AT RICH WITH A RAISED EYEBROW. RICH STARES OUT THE WINDOW.
RICH
(to himself)
She never even read it.
EXT. FRONT GATE OF DARYLDS ESTATE—LATER
THE CAR STOPS AT THE GATE BESIDE AN INTERCOM. RICH PRESSES THE SPEAK BUTTON.
RICH
Hello? Anybody home?
INTERCOM VOICE
State your purpose.
RICH
Yes umm, this is Rich Mcdonnell. I would like to talk to Mr. Jerard.
INTERCOM VOICE
Are you on the list?
RICH LOOKS BACK AT JASON SIMULTANEOUSLY SHRUGGING.
RICH
I should be.
INTERCOM VOICE
I don’t see your name on the list.
If your name is not on the list I cant allow you in.
RICH
You god damn robot! Let me in the fucking place!
INTERCOM VOICE
Good bye sir.
THE INTERCOM TURNS OFF. RICH SPINS AROUND KICKING THE AIR.
RICH
Those ass holes!
JASON
What now?
RICH
Let me think.
(scratching his chin)
Okay, let me try one more time.
RICH GETS OUT OF THE CAR ONCE MORE. HE PRESSES THE TALK BUTTON OF THE INTERCOM.
INTERCOM VOICE
State your purpose.
RICH
(in a california accent)
Yeah dude, I like, got a couple pizzas here for a Daryld.
INTERCOM VOICE
No one ordered a pizza.
RICH
Well, like its totally for this address dude, are you sure no one ordered a pizza?
INTERCOM VOICE
Yes, now go away.
THE INTERCOM CLICKS OFF.
RICH
Shit!
JASON AND RICH SIT IN FRUSTRATED SILENCE. SOUNDS OF A PARTY START TO PERMEATE THE AIR.
JASON
You hear that?
RICH
So?
JASON
That means a party’s going on dummy. You can sneak in and act like a part of the crowd!
RICH
Sounds like rap music. There’s probably a huge party with a bunch of young hoods ready to kick the shit out of anyone.
JASON
Nonsense, rap is as soft as Wayne Newton now. For all you know it could be a botox party.
RICH
How the hell am I supposed to get in there?
JASON
Just act like you should be there. It shouldn’t be so bad. A piece of cake.
RICH
Yeah, its probably just a bunch of glitzy types having cocktails by the pool.
JASON
Yeah, no biggie. Easy.
JASON AND RICH EXIT THE CAR AND CREEP OVER TO THE WALL.
RICH
It looks a lot bigger when you’re up close doesn’t it?
JASON
Yep, and if I had any kind of status what so ever I might be the one going over the wall.
RICH
So how do we do this?
JASON
Lean against here.
JASON GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND CUPS HIS HANDS. RICH SHAKILY LIFTS HIS LEG WHILE LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.
JASON
Now use my hand and shoulder as a step
RICH
Steady she goes.
RICH UNEASILY CLIMBS UP WITH JASON’S HELP.
RICH
Its too high, I can’t reach it!
JASON SHOVES RICH TO THE TOP OF THE WALL.
JASON
You’re up there. Go for it sir.
RICH
I’m too old for this crap.
RICH WIGGLES ON THE TOP OF THE WALL.
RICH
The drop is too high! This is ridiculous, get me down from here!
JASON
Drop over to the other side.
RICH
What do you take me for, an athlete? This is crazy I can kill myself doing this. I already have a bad back!
EXT. DARYLD’S BACKYARD—CONTINUOUS
RICH HANGS OFF OF THE WALL AND DROPS INTO A BUSH.
THUG
What the hell was that?
RICH STANDS UP TO SEE A GROUP OF HUGE THUGS STARING RIGHT BACK AT HIM. THERE ARE FIVE ROTWEILERS HELD ON LEASHES.
RICH
Hey there fellas. Looks like I crashed a pool party huh?
NO ONE RESPONDS. RICH CAUTIOUSLY WALKS TOWARDS THE MEN.
RICH
Well, don’t mind me guys. I just came to talk with mister Jerard. Just go right back to what you’re doing.
THUG
You think you can just walk in here?
RICH, UNAWARE NERVOUSLY STEPS IN A BIG PILE OF DOG CRAP.
RICH
How’s fifty bucks sound?
THE THUG RAISES HIS FISTS.
THUG
We got dogs that weigh twice as much as you. You can get eaten alive man!
RICH
Alright, one hundred and seventeen dollars. Its all I got.
THUG
Give me that!
RICH
Here, its all yours.
RICH HANDS THE THUG THE MONEY.
THUG
Now, who the hell are you?
RICH
I’m a writer for a new television show.
THE THUGS DEMEANOR INSTANTLY CHANGES.
THUG
Really? I got a lot of ideas. Hey, can you get me in the door at a studio? I rhyme and act too. I could play all kinds of characters. Here man, take your money back. I thought you were just some crazed fan.
RICH GRABS THE CASH STUFFING IT INTO HIS POCKET.
RICH
Thank you.
THUG
No problem! So will you look at my ideas.
RICH
Sure, that sounds… fun. How about you let me see Daryld and I’ll go over some ideas with you?
THUG
Hell yeah man, cool.
RICH
But only if I see Daryld. Where can I find him?
THUG
Right through those big glass doors. He’s probably playing pool.
INT. DARYLD’S HOME—CONTINUOUS
RICH WALKS INTO A ROOM WITH WHITE CARPET. HIS LEFT FOOT COVERED IN DOG SHIT. FOOT TRACKS OF CRAP ARE TRACKED BEHIND HIM EACH STEP OF THE WAY.
RICH
Big place.
THE SOUND OF POOL BALLS BREAKING ECHOES FROM AROUND A CORNER. RICH WALKS INTO A ROOM WHERE DARYLD PLAYS POOL WITH A FRIEND. DARYLD SPEAKS WITHOUT LOOKING UP FROM HIS GAME.
DARYLD
Who the hell are you and what do you want?
RICH
Daryld, my name is Rich Mcdonnell. I wanted to offer you…
DARYLD
Have you heard of the story of Peter Rabbit, Mr Mcdonnel?
DARYLD SHOOTS A SOLID BALL INTO THE POCKET CLOSEST TO RICH. HE GLANCES AT RICH.
RICH
That kids book right?
DARYLD
Not just a children’s book, but a lesson, a life lesson.
RICH
Yeah, it’s a great story. We need attitude. And so I came to..
DARYLD
Peter Rabbit was the black sheep out of his other rabbit brothers and sisters. He defied his mothe..
RICH
I making a show called…
DARYLD
Peter Rabbit went into Mr Mcgregor’s garden eating all the vegetables he could handle, just grubbed em up!
RICH
And all was okay, yada yada. Look. I’m making a cop drama based on the streets of…
DARYLD
No! Mr Mcgregor was right around the corner and that mother fucker was ready to kill his ass just like he did to Peter’s daddy!
DARYLD HITS TWO SOLID BALLS IN AT THE SAME TIME.
RICH
Wow, the real deal huh?
DARYLD
But Peter snuck out after a few more brushes with death and lived to tell the tale.
RICH
And this story has to do with?..
DARYLD
I am that god damn rabbit sir! And I have gone into that garden of Hollywood and escaped unscathed, why should I work with you?
RICH
Money talks.
DARYLD
How much? I’m not cheap.
RICH
How’s a million to start plus royalties? Then we see how far the show goes.
DARYLD
A million?
RICH
Yep. One million.
DARYLD
And we wont hold back on the action? I want to show some grit.
RICH
No holding back.
DARYLD
Good, because if there is one thing I hate about television its all the softy’s making shows they have no right to make. You need to know an environment to write about it, am I right?
RICH
Absolutely, so stick it to them and join the writing team of Sunset Nights.
DARYLD
I want a limo compliments of the studio to pick me up everyday.
RICH
Done.
DARYLD
There needs to be a fridge full of mineral water, beer and food of my choice.
RICH
Okay.
DARYLD
And I want to see a pilot script before I even step into a place where I have to work with crackers.
RICH
Already done. I’ll get my assistant to take care of it.
DARYLD
You play pool?
RICH
I’d love to but I gotta run. A limo will come by tomorrow at noon to take you over to the studio okay?
DARYLD
Fine, now please leave my house, you’re wrecking my concentration.
RICH SCURRIES OUT OF THE HOUSE SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. DARYLD SCRATCHES HIS EIGHT BALL SHOT.
DARYLD
Goddammit!
DARYLD LOOKS UP FROM THE TABLE.
DARYLDS FRIEND
Do you smell that?
ACT THREE
INT. RICHES CAR—MOMENTS LATER
RICHES SHIT CAKED SHOES ARE WRAPPED AROUND HIS SIDEVIEW MIRROR. THE CADILLAC SPEEDS DOWN THE 405.
JASON
So, I have a couple ideas for some younger writers to choose from.
RICH
What? A billboard by Universal studios?
RICH HOLDS HIS HANDS OUT TO EXAGGERATE HIS STATEMENT.
RICH
Do you write? Then come on down and work on a show!
JASON
No, nothing like that. I put a posting up on craigslist.
RICH
What’s that?
JASON
A little behind the times are we?
RICH
I don’t use computers for anything but typing.
JASON
Its a web site where you can post anything from personals to job postings to selling your dishwasher.
RICH
Like an online flea market. Sounds good to me.
RICH TURNS LOOKING STRAIGHT AT JASON WITH A HUGE GRIN ON HIS FACE.
RICH
Since we just got Daryld Gerard to write for us!
RICH TURNS ON THE RADIO. THE SONG “WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO” BY WHAM IS PLAYING. RICH STARTS TO DANCE IN HIS CHAIR.
JASON
You got Daryld Jerard? What’s this crap!?
RICH
For a million. This is Wham! It’s not of your time.
JASON
This is of no one’s time, this is horrible! Can we even honor that?
RICH
This song is great you can’t…
JASON
Forget the stupid song! Can you pay Daryld that much?
RICH
Once this show is the new big hit we’ll be able to pay him anything.
JASON
Alright.
RICH
You gotta manipulate Jason. Haven’t you learned anything watching me?
JASON
I’ve learned a few things. Like what not to do.
RICH
Ha, ha very funny. Let’s get some thing to eat, I’m starving.
JASON
Sure, I know of a great place.
INT. VEGAN CAFE – AFTERNOON
RICH AND JASON SIT AT A TABLE IN A POSH PATIO AREA OF THE CAFE.
RICH
What is all this?
JASON
Its the newest fad in L.A. sir. Nothing is cooked, its called the raw diet.
RICH
What the hell do you expect me to eat here?
JASON
I came by with James Difranco and got the garlic parsley combo.
RICH
You and the younger crowd think you can blow vegetables out your ass and you’ll live forever. We’re leaving.
EXT. RICHES CAR -OUTSIDE CARL’S JR.- MOMENTS LATER
RICH AND JASON STAND BY THE CAR RIGHT NEXT TO THE BURGER JOINT. RICH STUFFS A BURGER INTO HIS MOUTH. RICH STANDS ON THE PAVEMENT WITH ONLY HIS SOCKS. JASON SPARINGLY EATS FRIES FROM HIS BAG.
JASON
I think I’m gonna be sick.
RICH
Can’t beat meat, unless it’s your own!
JASON
I don’t eat meat.
RICH
Did you get any ketchup?
RICH SHUFFLES HIS HAND THROUGH JASON’S BAG. HE GRABS PACKETS RIPPING THEM OPEN WITH HIS TEETH.
JASON
Do you know how much salt is in just one packet of that crap.
RICH
(sarcastically)
No, enlighten me.
JASON
Every packet is mostly salt and preservatives. If you eat two of those everyday…
RICH
I don’t wanna hear it. Eat up.
RICH LOOKS AT HIS WATCH, IT READS TWO THIRTY.
JASON
It’s your health.
RICH
We have to go, worry about the task, forget about me.
JASON
I ordered my fries unsalted.
RICH GETS IN THE DRIVER SEAT. HE STARTS THE CAR AND QUICKLY BACKS OUT.
RICH
Hold on to those fries! I don’t want any spills in my car.
INT. RICHES OFFICE – LATER
RICH SITS BEHIND HIS DESK FINGERING THE ENVELOPE. A PILE OF CONTRACTS SIT ON HIS DESK AS JASON WORKS ON HIS LAPTOP.
JASON
Are you going to look at those contracts?
RICH
All this bullshit paper work. Its all beuracratic nonsense!
JASON
Why don’t you have a lawyer look over it for you?
RICH
Don’t trust em.
JASON
But are you thorough enough to know every little line of your contracts?
RICH
You’re right. Here look over these for me.
RICH TOSSES A PILE OF PAPER IN JASON’S DIRECTION.
JASON
But..
RICH
That’s what happens when you get me worried. Have you gotten any responses from the job posting?
JASON
Let me check.
JASON SIGNS INTO HIS EMAIL. RICH CONTINUES TO LOOK AT THE ENVELOPE.
JASON
Oh my god!
RICH
What?
JASON
There’s over a thousand responses.
RICH
In two hours? That’s great! How should we sift through the unwanted?
JASON
Well, we can look over every resume or..
RICH
Or what?
JASON
We can narrow down the search.
RICH
How?
JASON
First, we take away any resume from people not living in the L.A. area.
RICH
Then?
JASON
We narrow it down once more to any one who isn’t going to be funny.
RICH
How about we take away any last name that doesn’t have some culture to it. If the last name is generic don’t even bother.
JASON
And Rich Mcdonnel isn’t a generic name?
RICH
Shut up.
JASON
(laughing)
I cut off about half the amount.
RICH
Let me try. Don’t call any male for an interview that isn’t jewish.
JASON
Okay. Evil, but good as done.
RICH
We have two hours to find our last writer. Start making calls.
MONTAGE.
—A LONG LINE WAITS ANXIOUSLY OUTSIDE OF RICHES OFFICE
—A DIRTY YOUNG MAN PLEAS FOR THE JOB.
DIRTY WRITER
Please, this is my life. You gotta give me this job!
—A YUPPIE COLLEGE STUDENT SHOWS OFF HIS CREDENTIALS.
YUPPIE
Well, originally I wanted to work with The Simpsons. But I went to Oxford and they only like students from Harvard.
—A BALD FAT MAN SITS STARING BLANKLY. DROOL DRIPS FROM HIS CHIN.
BALD FAT MAN
Can I use your bathroom?
RICH STARES AT THE ENVELOPE PAYING NO ATTENTION.
RICH
Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Down the hall to your left.
—A TARANTINO LOOK-ALIKE PITCHES HIS PAST WORK.
TARANTINO LOOK-ALIKE
(very enthusiastic)
Now instead of a cop it would be a ninja hit man okay? And instead of L.A. it would be based in Indonesia.
—RICH AND JASON SIT WITH THEIR FACES IN THEIR HANDS. RICH CHECKS HIS WATCH, IT’S FIVE O’CLOCK.
—THE LINE OUTSIDE OF THE OFFICE STARTS TO THIN.
—A NERD ATTEMPTS TO IMPRESS RICH AND JASON.
NERD
I know all the episodes of Law and Order back to back.
RICH
And past writing experience?
NERD
I work in data entry, that’s kind of writing.
—RICH SITS IN HIS CHAIR INFATUATED WITH THE ENVELOPE THEN HIS WATCH. JASON NODS OFF FALLING TO THE FLOOR.
—A GIRL WITH BLACK HAIR WEARING THICK GLASSES NAMED LUCY WAITS IN THE DIM HALLWAY.
RICH
Alright. One more for today. I need a drink and bed.
JASON
My back is stuck to this chair.
RICH
Get the last person.
—JASON LETS LUCY, A REFRESHING YOUNG FACE IN THE DOOR.
—RICH CONTINUES TO FINGER THE LETTER. HE NOTICES A SLIT ACROSS THE TOP OF THE ENVELOPE CAREFULLY TAPED UP.
RICH
I knew it! She does care!
JASON
What in god’s name are you talking about?
—LUCY SITS DOWN PULLING OUT A PILE OF SCRIPTS FROM HER BACK PACK.
—RICH SMILES AT LUCY AND GLANCES AT HIS WATCH, IT’S SIX O’CLOCK.
LUCY
Need to see some past work?
FADE OUT.
END.
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Okay, after reading your notes, I was leery to say the least. Writers? another show about writers? I can think of three airing this fall.
Anyways, you redeemed yourself, because it was a good read. I’d likely tune in.
Now for my greatest issue and concern with it. Some of the dialogue is a bit too much. I had a hard time thinking that a writer would be at such a loss for words that he wouldn’t be able to pull off some brilliant witty response.
Here’s a good example of it:
JASON
And Rich Mcdonnel isn’t a generic name?
RICH
Shut up.
I just expected more from Rich.
I liked the talk between him and the execs. It was funny and seemed to fit TV.
You might want to look at developing a bit more of his relationship with Beth, in more than a 2d way. The sex things are funny, but what will the audience think of a guy who cheats?
Anyway. Nice job, and good luck with it.
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