Poetry / Playing God

Good structure, rhyming and partial rhyming. It’s very refreshing to read something other than freeform poetry….as structure and rhyme scheme can be difficult and debilitating to some writers.

I love the image of a mother ‘missing’ her child before it’s even born. Very deft.

The only part I would say to take another look at are the couplets:

“Daddy’s gone now, from my heart
Left bruises, tears, and broken hearts

Afraid to end up like my mother
Considering our meeting of eachother”

These passages sound a little forced. I love the idea of reflecting on a previous generation, but i think some different details need to be placed here. The use of ‘now’ after Daddy’s gone implies something current. Like someone just died. But the next line give me the impresison of an abusive father….who would probably have left ‘my heart’ a long time ago.

Excellent poem all in all though and again I commend you for having the self-control to write in a classical style.

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September 24, 2006

by flygrrrl

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27	F	Fraser, MI	January 13

Thank you very much. The page was full of wet spots just trying to collect myself enough to sort out these feelings as much as I did.
I know what you mean about the couplets, though. I was referring to the abusive father of the child and the overwheling feeling of suddenly being on your own with a huge choice to make.
At the time, it was, I guess, a lack of finding the right words.  But now, nothing has has yet to come along that describes it any better. Some poems take years to be complete… for me.

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It only takes One Voice to sing a love song…a child will hear it loud and strong.  While it breaks the heart to think about it, a child doesn’t really need the father, they can live without that, so long as they are loved.

Is love growing within you?  You take the path of love, always.

This is pretty good and even in terms of rhyme.

Just a few things, it may just ‘look’ better if you wrote the numbers out.

The second to last stanza doesn’t work much for me because of the weakness of the rhyme in the couplet.  In the other stanzas, the stress has always been on the last syllable of the line.  Not so here.

I think this is an okay poem dealing with abortion but you can stand to probe a lot deeper emotionally into the issue.