Thank you so much! I appreciate it…and yes…purple velvet with gold lettering ; )
Short Story / The King
A clean breeze caresses my cheek and I let my mind drift around things past. Memories float in and out in no particular order. They play on my face as smiles or frowns. I reflect on one of our good days, and then another, and then another. So much time has passed that even most of the bad days can bring a smile. You were so full of snails and puppy dog tails. You were such a mystery to me then.
You wear a smile and in your hand a Crown. You smell of Camel and soap. I watch you laugh and listen to your story. Your face, so like mine, changes with every word. Your eyes are bright and heavy from the liquor. Watching you spin your tale is like seeing a miracle. The people around the table hang on your every word and they wait—like me—for the punch line. Suddenly the room explodes with laughter, and yours is the sweetest. I laugh too, because you are funny…and because this is the only way you allow me to express love for you.
I try to say something. I try to ride on your thought and inject myself into your conversation, but I cannot compete with you. You fill the room completely. Every eye watches you and only you. You are on a roll and there is no stopping you. I give up and feel no ill because being at your table is enough.
I remember and my heart feels both joy and great sorrow. There is no more time for us; there are only memories now. I can see you only in the past; and there, you are the King with his Crown.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
jlcampbell reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I really enjoyed the flow of this piece. Perhaps they should have a “prose” or “flash” category, but I will say that your prose was the closest thing to a short story that I’ve read of this length. I enjoyed all the symbolic and metaphoric references that can be interpreted from the piece. Would-be readers can and will read this and each one will take something different out of it. For such a small piece, that is testament to your writing ability. Kudos to you and write on!
J.L. Campbell
- add/view comments (1)
lolanation reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Royal crown in velvet perhaps? Sad, I know how this is. And like a child you are still adoring him. Good story, good connections. His court of misadventure – God only knows…This was well done. Elegantly tipsy.
Brunny reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Firstly I enjoyed the read for what you were trying to say.
That said a couple of things could be tightened up to make it better. You start with a general range of memories and then tighten down on a very specific one, in such a short piece this can be a bit too much.
If the first part was more scene setting and lead into the single detailed memory that might work a little better. The general memories I don’t feel add to your point.
Your tense is a little confused, you move from
‘I see you now, sitting on your throne’ to ‘Your throne sits vacant, and you court scattered to the’
Not major problems by a long shot, best wishes
jklepadlo50 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
THe use of present tense works well. I am a big fan of present tense.
Blizzard06 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Your use of metaphors was simply amazing. Though, the feature which was most immpresive had to be how heart-felt this work was.
Vintage reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I like especially how you compared him to a king. The first paragraph details thoughts and reactions but they are vague, smiles and frowns, that sort of thing doesn’t exactly convey the emotions. Was it a sad smile? Bitter sweet? What kind of memories? By not detailing it we cannot get a feeling for this king, unless you want him to be an emigma to the reader, a mystery. I like how you describe the crowd watching him, also, a king’s crown and the Crown in his hand was a very nice touch, tied the story in together well without the reader losing the connection.
November 20, 2006
Deleted User
Review of Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Your thoughts are nice, it reminds me of some of the conversations I use to have with my dad. Keep up the good work.
alexianx reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I came looking for a short story, what may have very well been a good one judging from the title of the imtem. However, this isn’t a short story, as it’s classified as. Nor, for that matter, is it a poem. You should’ve added it under prose, mate.
That aside, though, I like this item save for one small thing. The line “you were so full of snails and puppy dog tails”. not only is it so abstract to the point it makes little to no sense, but it’s a very cliche line. Under all circumstances, avoid using common phrases, for the sake of originality if nothing else. It makes the voice in the reader’s mind absolutely scream “generic!” when they see something like that and, honestly, it’s a shame considering the rest of the piece.
nayberry reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This very short story gets right to the point. The reader can imagine the surroundings and feel the emotions of the writer as he takes a trip down memory lane. Keep writing!
notmrright reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Yes, that was very well done…....just enough to convey how special this person was for everyone and for you, and to convey that this person was gone from your life. Just a little melancoly feel. Great job!
Showing 1 - 10 of 13
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
7 Reviews 5 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 20 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |