Thank you for the review nelson, yes I’m ashamed to say I type on shortened words, its a travesty, hey but one I’m working on, however in my defence its my mind it works so fast some days I cant keep up with my hands. When I write its kinda like a tap it pours out and you have to capture it so fast, written in all its shocking punctuation errors. Im ashamed , hand slapped. Peace
Poetry / Did you see me
Did you feel me there ,
can u gently touch me,
wipe away the tear
fight to be free.
Did you see me there,
within the solitary dream,
a cold shadow where?,
simple as it may seem.
Did you yearn for me,
in the empty tomb,
can u find the door,
it will open soon.
Did you search your soul,
sifting thru desolation,
peace the end goal,
an end to frustration.
Did you dream of me,
did you feel my heart,
the beauty of love to see,
relinquishing apart.
Did you feel the pain,
of a love not found,
an empty place the same,
where love did not abound.
Did you see me there
standing at the door
waiting for u there,
wanting even more.
Did you know the end,
when two spirits meet,
its my love i send,
its my life youll greet.
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Lena17 reviewed Version 1 -
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this was good. it was a bit light for my own taste (as I’m into dark, depressing, bittersweet, heartwrenching stuff! ha!). It did seem a little like you were just trying too hard to rhyme words, and through that, you lost the actual meaning of the poem. Try to avoid that sense—poems don’t always have to rhyme, as long as they come from your soul. Good overall.
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nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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It sounds like god is waiting for a lost soul to find him.
Typo,s
Two spaces in between, the tear in stanza 1, also i think fighting would work better than fight in the same stanza, for flow.
You missed the apostrophe from the you’ll on the last line.
I see you were a bit lazy using the internet u also thru instead of through, it’s better to type it properly for presentation.
With a little more work this would make for a good hyme
Sheherezade reviewed Version 1 -
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Truthfully, I like to see a title when it comes to poems, a title introduces one to the work in a subtle way. I have to say your last stanza is your best and strongest. While repetition is a nice device in poetry and other forms of writing, you don’t want it to wear its welcome out. I think a rewrite of this might include less stanzas; at least try it that way and see what reviews you get. I believe in less is more with poetry, but then I prefer Haikus. What is nice about the work is that it does seem to flow towards the ending. This is a sad, gentle poem, but it is too abstract for me.
chickmate reviewed Version 1 -
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This is wonderful, the structure and style is easy and rolls off the tongue..the story itself is sad yet reminiscent of happier things..Sort of makes one long for another. Makes you want to be in love with someone that much..Choice of words spoke to me..
Ice_Frost_Draco reviewed Version 1 -
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Aw, I really enjoyed your poem. It has a certain kind of sweetness to it, somthing that is very calm and caring. It’s kinda like being outside on an open field and just watching the clouds pass by kinda feeling. I do however like your last stanza.
Did you know the end,
when two spirits meet,
its my love I send,
its my life you’ll greet.
That’s just beautiful as it is because it’s very true and heart warming. I found a true statement of when two people truely fall in love with one another and want nothing more because a life is created. Anyways, yeah it was a great and wonderfull.
Jus_Juan reviewed Version 1 -
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very nice. i think about the times i yerned for that someone to feel the way i do, or wanted to. who is this person? how did they make you feel this way, why do they have such a place in your heart. is it a girl boy? details details. all in all for a mystery lover poem it quite good. thanx Juan
November 23, 2006
Deleted User
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This is a beautiful poem. It embodies passion that has been lost (for whatever the reason). While I was reading this, there were points that the rhyme seemed kind of forced-
almost like the lines didn’t fit.
“wipe away the tear, fight to be free.”
“a cold shadow where?, simple as it may seem.”
maybe if you added a few more words to tie them together? just a thought.
over all, you have created some very vivid images that truly spoke to me.
ThirdReich reviewed Version 1 -
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The loss while sad seems lifed by the promise that they will soon meet again. to be loved beyond the grave – so beautiful. Carrying the torch and not letting it extinguish. constructive criticism: the rhyming was heavy and the subject matter could be well illustrated with a lighter rhyming.
EroticDayDream reviewed Version 1 -
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Very passionate. I like this one alot. I love how you put everthing together in here. It makes this piece complete and perfect, just the way it is…. Very well written, you can feel the passion, and craving in your words.
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