Sci Fi & Fantasy / Harbinger
It’s dark, so dark, and cold, so cold; the constant strobe of the spaceship’s alarm stabbed its way into my head. My heart pounded beneath my chest as I pressed my wings against a wall. My sword, with its blade of white light, was drawn across my body, to give me comfort from the darkness. My sword gave the only light to be seen. They are all dead, all of them, my brethren have all been killed by those demons! We took every precaution when we descended onto Leh, how could those monsters have slithered upon our holy arch unnoticed? What lesson is to be learned here my lord? If only the great Erif had come with us, he would liberate us from this hellish nightmare… What is that?… I am not safe here, I must find others, there must be more of us. Am I the only angel left? I must move.
I rolled off the wall and peered down the dark passage before me. Blade shining in lead of me, I slowly stride forward. I must get to the control room; quite far from here, yet if I were to cut across the habitat, I may save vital time, there must be someone yet with me there. Then I hear it, a hiss so distinct; all angels know, without it even being heard. The demon was above me. It leapt forth, arms stretched, and wings spread; I bashed it with my blade’s hilt, both the creature and I were floored. With a swing of my blade and a thrust of my wings, I had my footing as well as the life of the monster.
May God have no pity upon thee demon!
This creature was unmistakably a fabrication of Reficul himself. Perhaps that is where the darkness comes from. Oyopa cannot touch us for the powers of the devil are too strong in the darkness of space. As the scriptures depict: beyond the skies lays Hell and for any to journey there would be to never return. The heavens are for God and the Devil to rule themselves, the place where spirits dwell. And if life were to ever set its eyes upon it, they would surly be punished. It is a sin to be here, he must believe we have abandoned his love by leaving the god given earth. And he is punishing us for our transgressions. I must destroy this forsaken ship to honor the holy one, and let not this ship of sin return to Nevaeh.
I continued on, out of the darkness, and into the light of the now powered halls. They glistened in transparent ripples of stone. I see drops of blood there, it is no doubt of angelic origins, yet I see not its downer, these hellish things must take my brothers to the depths of oblivion with them. I have seen the blood of the demon; it burns our once blessed skin on touch of their sin-filled spirit.
The corner turns and more beasts reveal themselves, a swift swipe of my arm and they are blown away, jolted back, crippled by the burst of energy from within me. At least the holy one allows us to use his power of divinity to cast down the evil without ever touching their forsaken skin. It is the focus of energy witch is released through our hands in prayer.
I see it ahead, the axis entrance to the habitat chamber. I ran with demons at my feet, and soon no floor to stand, it ended; I leap into the air and spread my majestic white wings to catch it. Out of the hall I flew, away from the shadows that pursued me.
The habitat was a wonder to behold. It is a shame I flew in blackness. The room around me was as a cylender; it spun slowly as I flew through the center. The axis tunnel must have broken. With this once blessed room we simulated a forged gravity for us to live. I must reach the forward wall if I am to have a chance to stop this hell-missile on its way home to Nevaeh. I flew a quarter mile above and below the ground. A look back told me of three more demons that have taken flight in pursuit, presumably I am the only angel left alive. Ahead of me protrudes the central axis hall of the cylindered room, it had been broken from the wall from whence I came, now jagged shards greet me as I fly into the circular glass hall; a lit tunnel amongst an abyss of darkness; a ray of hope within a see of shadows. It will lead me to my destination. If only I fly true through the shattered opening. Nearly there. No! My leg had been seized and drawn down. My alignment is off! The tunnel! My leg hit, demon and all, and my body slammed against the interior of the tunnel. Broken glass flew, the demon released me, and I continued to thrash down the hall, until I came to rest, face up, leaning against the curved wall of the tunnel suspended in darkness.
Two more creatures closed in; my leg, I could feel was shattered as the glass it had struck. They collapsed their wings and slithered forward towards my crippled body, cast to the side of the long, illuminated tunnel. I would not go without a fight. I would not go at the hand of a demon. I thrust my spread hand into the air towards one of them. It was forced back by the power of God, and into the walls of the hall, it shattered and the demon fell upwards outside to the ground. The last leaped away from the hole and towards me, I quickly rolled, swept it up in my wing and launched it further down the hall. It spun and tumbled until it stood, I lunged from my good leg, with outspread wings towards the creature. I slashed the monster through and through with the blade of light and left it their to stew in its sizzling juices.
I continued through the vortex of light. Then without warning, a demon I believed to be lost crashed through the forward ceiling. The black figure crouched amongst falling glass, which soon reversed and fell upwards out of the break from whence it came. The monster evaded the swing of my blade and chased after me down the near ending hall. I saw an open door where the wall turned to shadows and grabbed the edge of it as I flew by. My body swung inside and the evil perusing me flashed past. I fell into a small cubic glass room, though I could not see outside. It was a lateral elevator. I forced myself to lean forward off the far wall to the control at left the door. The doors sparked shut. I felt little relief in my little glass box, but for now it would appear I was safe. A shadow appeared upon the door and crept up to the ceiling, a demon lay behind, I knew. But with the desired location selected I was off and away from the terror. The ride was smooth and undisturbed. I was heeded to the control room to end this nightmare. We should never have gone to Leh; we should have trusted that the heretic had arrived as planned. Angels do not belong in Hell, nor demons in Heaven, I must not falter, I must destroy the ship, in honor and request of our lord God. A jolt brought the end of the ride, and a rush of fear, from what was past this clouded door.
They slid open to reveal one angel, stained in the blood of our kin. He shouted something to me with soundless lips and pointed to the control room doors. He turned his view to the forward door as I limped by; he spun his two double bladed weapons of light, and gave me one final stare of desperation as the control room doors shut behind me. He knew his fate, but it was to be, it had to be. He was left outside to attempt to slow the incoming wave of darkness.
One final angel remained on the bridge, configuring the automatic destruct controls. I had not been the only one to realize what needed to be done. I assisted him in the soon destruction of the ship, and all forms of life on board. It was a long process as to prevent accidents. There was a pounding at the metal door, three inches of our strongest alloy began to warp and bend and melt.
My partner ran to the combusting door, blade drawn. I continued with the controls. The door burst, and they flooded in. He fought valiantly as a warrior of God. The final switch to destruction instigated in revealing itself; a sphere of energy began to accumulate in the center of the control room between two broken pedestals of ice. It only required an organic disruption for it to activate.
My companion had given in to darkness and was swallowed by the greatness of demons. I must not allow this to continue, I must destroy the ship! These demons will not take my life! I ask for forgiveness lord, for the sin of taking it myself! My quivering hand reached for the light, so near I could feel its warmth. Yet in vain, all for naught, a demon snatched my wings and tore me from my aspiration. I was cast down; head slammed against a panel and sank to the cold, hard floor. My vision blurred; room ablaze with shadows, its horrible face was finally seen: an eyeless beast of black glass skin. Its jowls quivered in dripping saliva, and it revealed its silver, vampire teeth. Its jaws slowly opened to an anomalous size, to reveal, amongst the unknown, a secondary jaw, a new mouth entirely, saturated, dripping with saliva. Tears met my eyes in fear; I glanced past the evil of the room, no less than a breath from my face, and into the light of the self destruction key, the glorious light in which I found peace.
In times such as these the lord would not want us to have fear, would not want us to fear death. Yet find peace. I die now so that others may live, so that Nevaeh may live. And to believe the lord is with us always, and to know that I—
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The images are vivid, but you seem to be having some tense issues througout the piece.
You might do better to change the tense so that it would read more like we’re watching what is happening instead of a blow by blow commentary in a sports broadcast.
Here’s an example of what I’m trying to explain above. It’s a revision of your second chapter. (these are of course only suggestions to help your story with flow.)
I rolled off the wall and peered down the dark passage. With my blade shining ahead of me, I advanced carefully. I needed to get to the control room. It was quite far from here, yet if I cut across the habitat, I might save vital time. There must be someone left alive. An all too familiar hiss sounded above me. All angels knew this sound whether it was their first or 100th time. The demon leapt forward, arms stretched and wings spread. I brought my blade’s hilt down into the creatures head as the momentum of the attack carried us to the floor. Swinging my blade and thrusting my wings, I regained my footing as well as having taken the life of the monster.
I hope to read more in the future and see how this story and your writing evolve!
Take care!
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Much better than the first version. I can see in the comparison, the things you have worked on. Still couldnt get italics to work? It should be as simple as placing an i in these brackets <> at the beginning of where you want to ‘italics’. Not sure if you need a /i in the brackets at the end of what you wish to ‘italics’, or if a line break ends the italics.
That said, there are a few things you still need to work on.
Point of View! You still keep changing back and forth, with words like ‘i was headed’, you can simply say ‘I headed’. You go from saying what happens to showing what happens, if that makes sense. Show it all from the angel’s perspective.
In the first paragraph you have two consecutive sentences starting with ‘My sword….’ You can re-word them, saying,
My sword, with its glowing blade, gave the only light to be seen. It was drawn across my body, providing comfort from the darkness.
it spun slowly as I flew through the center. The axis tunnel must have broken. With this once blessed room
In this paragraph, you have ‘The axis tunnel must be broken.’ twice. I suggest removing the one in the above part, as it just breaks up the flow, and really doesn’t fit in there.
I flew a quarter mile above and below the ground.
This sentence still doesn’t make much sense to me. You mean he flew quarter mile above the floor, and quarter mile below the ceiling??
The room around me was as a cylender; it
(Should be cylinder) Perhaps word it,
The room around me was cylindrical; it
the greatness of demons.
Isn’t this a contradiction, and also a bit blasphemous? Perhaps say ‘overwhelming horde of demons’.
I was cast down; head slammed against a panel and sank to the cold, hard floor.
Doesn’t read right. Perhaps re-word, or put ‘my’ before head, and add an ‘I’
I was cast down; my head slammed against a panel and I sank to the cold, hard floor.
All in all, a marked improvement! Work on the few things I have mentioned. If you have more trouble with the italics, send me a message and I will try to explain it better. Well done, and good luck!
This is very good writing for your age. I saw a few typos here and there that needed to be corrected. Your story idea is very imaginative. Angels and demons in space kind of thing. Cool idea. I also like the way you put the reader right into the story and didn’t waste a lot of time trying to explain how demons and angels are in space. If this is the first chapter of your novel and since your main character does not survive, I would change the perspective of the main character of this piece from first person to third person unless the angel does somehow survive and continue on with the rest of the novel. First person perspective is for the main character of a story to reveal his perception of story events to the reader. Since the angel doesn’t survive this event, it does no good to write it in first person. I’d switch that point of view to third person and save the first person point of view for the main character of the story. I don’t know where this novel is going but I suspect that humans will have to stop the huge spaceship from reaching Naveah and battling demons to gain control. That sounds cool to me. I like the way you mix the biblical into this tale but since you have God involved I would use the name Lucifer as well instead of reversing the letters of his name. Makes it more ominous to me. Anyway, this is good writing for your age. Keep it up.
Wow….
Fitst let me say, this was an excellent story. Excellent descriptions and good flow. It made me want to read more!
However….
Maybe it is just an anomoly of uploading text, but your paragraphs were very congealed. You need to sort them out to make them shorter and more to the point. Also, you write in two different tenses…
My heart beats and pounds beneath my chest. My wings were pressed up against a wall, and blade of white light was drawn across my body to give me comfort from the darkness.
This sentence has both. You need to decide what tense to write in. It would be easy to write something like..
My heart pounded as I pressed against the wall. (Is there a need to mention wings here, you can add it later) My sword, with it blade of light, was drawn across my body, providing some comfort from the darkness.
Also, the Angel does a lot of thinking. This should be in italics so the reader can easily distinguish that it is unspoken thought.
These thoughts are far too long, however, and only bog down the flow of the story, well in my opinion they do anyway as I feel myself skipping over a lot of it.
May God have no pity upon thee demon! This creature was unmistakably a fabrication of Reficul himself. Perhaps that is where the darkness comes from. Oyopa cannot touch us for the powers of the devil are too strong in the darkness of space. As the scriptures depict: beyond the skies lays Hell and for any to journey there would be to never return. The heavens are for God and the Devil to rule themselves, the place where spirits dwell. And if life were to ever set its eyes upon it they would surly be punished for abandoning the sanctity of the god given earth. It is a sin to he here. And he is punishing us for our transgressions. I must destroy this forsaken ship to honor the holy one, and let not this ship of sin return to Nevaeh.
Anyway, i won’t go into more detail. Work on some of the things I have mentioned and if you would like me to rate it again, feel free to let me know.
Cheers,
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