I disagree with laziness… the writing craft has to be learned buy practice and writer improve the more they write. Your comment may be justified but pick out an example of a fractured sentence and explain to the girl how to improve it. How else is she going to learn to spot the errors.
Young Adult / Shoes You Never Want To Wear
She was the girl that i betrayed. I befriended her for a story, and what a hell of a story it was. I would make millions, and now looking at her dead with a dagger through her heart, i realized i had destroyed what was left of her life for my own amusment. Her open eyes glazed over with death, pierced into my heart like the dagger in her own. Metaphorically speaking of course. The long locks of her golden hair lay spead on the ground wreathing the cold terrified face of the girl I used, as the dark red taint of blood seeped into it. Her blood was draining out of her body like a river of no meaning, draining down toward were i was standing. As it touched my hundred dollar shoes i didn’t move. I had to face the death that was caused simply because i was bored. I had pushed an already broken girl to kill herself, and i felt nothing. No sympathy or remorse. Funny, i would have thought that an event like this would have changed me. I should feel something about this poor girls life, I should be crying or something. But all i could think about was how i would have to go out and buy new shoes. Pity. These shoes were from Italy. In a way it’s ironic. Lilly always wanted to die, i just never thought she would die by her own hand. she could be so poetic at times. it was supposed to be a cruel joke to me, i hated when she would get all sentimental and sensitive. But i couldn’t stop staring at her eyes. They were filled with emotions that i could never comprehend. Emotions that would drive me insane. Maybe her death was effecting me. i doubt it though, nothing a shrink can’t fix.
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JEDoherty reviewed Version 2 -
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She was the girl that I betrayed. – excelent opening line. Already hooked me.
Is there a particular reason that Lilly killed herself by stabbing herself in the heart? I’ve been a police officer for over 20 years and seen a lot of suicides. This is a very uncomon method plus quite difficult to do. Rib cartlidge is tough. Girls are usually slit wrists, OD’s or cars, guys guns, jumpers…
I remember watching the news one day when I was ten right after I decided that I wanted to be a writer, and the leading anchor said how there was a shooting at some school in suburbia. – very complex sentence. Breaking it up might make it clearer.
I remember watching the news one day when I was ten. The leading anchor read about a shooting in a suburban school. It was after that, I decided I wanted to be a writer.
You have made a wonderful start on creating a very flawed and not too likeable main character. What a refreshing change from the norm where the good guys are just good.
From the intro we can see her remorse and I look forward to watching her grow into that better person. A well written and flowing style
Regards
JEDoherty
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Equibabe611 reviewed Version 2 -
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This charecter is obviously a spoiled brat who is use to getting everything he or she wants, thought the their gender isnt qute distinguiable, im sure its a female, a spoiled daddys girl. The fact that she woulkd manipulate and hurt someone just for a story and a good write mind boggles me. she obviously doesnt realize how tramatic and tragic is is and seems more than likely that she thinks her daddys money will save her. i hope you continue this cause id love to read more.
77sunset reviewed Version 2 -
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I think you could have a great future as a writer if you study your craft and do the legwork it takes. You have a fine imagination and that’s important. Maybe you could take a creative writing class or pick up a book on the subject? I don’t think you need the intro. I would go right into some drama and paint a picture, “show” instead of “tell” the reader. By using your characters wisely you can have them “tell.” You could start off with the first day of public school. What was it like through the eyes of the girl. I want to see the hallways, feel the stares, smell the wax on the floor. I want to be there with the girl on her first day of school. As the story progresses, you can fill in the blanks with her thoughts about “daddy” and such. But don’t do that too much. It’s boring when one person is doing all the thinking for the reader. Half the fun of writing is seeing how the reader interprets what you’ve written. Paint a picture and then step back and see what people think of it. They might not see the picture in the same way you see it. Sometimes I have to rewrite something five or six times before I get it to sound the way I want it to sound, and even then I’m not sure. That’s what I mean about legwork. That’s the hard part but it pays off in the end when people want to read what you’ve written. It’s thrilling! Best wishes to you and I think you will have much success if you’re willing to put in the effort it takes to improve. John
swanpatronus reviewed Version 2 -
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This story definitely has potential. It got me interested and wanting to know what happens next. There were just a few things that I thought needed cleaning, such as the switches between past and present tense. It left me a little confused as to which parts were memory and which parts were really happenening.
EclecticMoshi reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, the opening paragraph is intense, but its intensity just dies down becuase the vocabulary is repeated. It’s a bit confusing also. You say it’s metaphorical “of course” but she committed suicide? It’s really really confusing. It’s very morbid (maybe a bit too much and melodramatic) but it’s understandable if it’s a real event. However, it doesn’t sound real for a “popular” girl to be so descriptive. Also, if the girl that died wanted to die, why would the popular girl not think she would by her own hands? That just doesn’t make sense. I can understand her not being able to cry and feeling guilty for it, but i think you should definitely expand that. That’s the most important part of that paragraph and you don’t emphasize it. You use the word “dagger” “heart” “blood” etc way too much. Vary the vocabulary, cut out some of the real goth stuff and just make her less morbid in general. Try to focus more on the girl with the Italian shoes than the girl that died to show how self centered she is. The opening sentence is a great attention grabber. Keep the reader’s attention by keeping the writing solid! Good start.
Chapter one starts out with a dull sentence. Try setting a scene of school and how the faces are new and she has to deal. “There were the trust fund babies, such as myself, that life was completely boring for.” This sentence doesn’t really make sense nor strike me. You’re telling too much and now showing at all. The showing can easily be done with a scene with her father and a dialogue. How are highschool kids married making them “new money?” That doesn’t make any sense. The chapter is too preachy. It just says how thigns are and how they should be. I guess it works for the character development if you want her to be like that, but it does horrors to the story telling. The manipulating people bti could be expanded into a small tangent story that shows how much she does it, etc.
Describe the ethnic groups and cliches! Don’t just say they’re there. The character is just not believable. I like the concept, maybe try to rework and expand it.
brilliantredlights reviewed Version 2 -
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Very interesting (and very true) plot. You maintain a nice flow throughout the story, with well-placed and well-chosen details and terrific descriptions. Terrific job. I’d love to see more.
a_sooner_girl reviewed Version 2 -
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I think it’s a great beginning. I would edit it and take out “Metaphorically speaking of course”, “draining down toward was I was standing”. I would like to read more of the chapter to get a better feel for it. It reminds me of Cruel Intentions, dark and psychological. Good job!
Billinnlr reviewed Version 2 -
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I realize that you are very young, but youth is no excuse for laziness. You need to reread your work. Take it apart and see the fractured sentences and misspelled words. You’ve got talent there is no denying that, but talent alone will not replace a good work ethic. Best of luck and keep on writing.
MusicLife100 reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the character you created. Maybe it’s just me, but she (he?) seems like a complete know-it-all. It also seems a little ovrly-descriptive, like you are trying to describe school to someone who’s never attended one.
I would also like to to see a little bit of plot, at least a paragrah, leading the reader into chapter 2. it could be as simple as, “I was thinking about all of this as I entered my newest school . . .”.
I think in the last paragraph, you mean cliques, instead of cliche’s.
Other than that, I think this is a great start to a loger piece. You created a unique character and began to show us a little of her (his?) family. Well done.
Heel reviewed Version 2 -
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The first paragraph was a little confusing. At first you say she killed herself ‘metaphorically speaking’, and later you say she was actually dead. But it was very enticing and well-worded.
The chapter was very eye-catching. I’ve been to both a private school and public schools, and I understand what you mean about private school kids.
I also like how you mention “different clichés”, a good oxymoron.
This is a good start and it will most likely attract the audience of young girls. Keep on it. =)
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