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Poetry / Piano Man
Do not see me as I am.
See me as I was.
Do not be fooled by this blank look and this s
a
g
g
i
n
g skin.
I once was and still am.
I am a son
uncle
brother
father
cousin
grandfather
Have even been declared among the greatest of grandfathers.
I have touched lives and have been touched.
I have seen things that you have read about.
Done things you have dreamt of.
Do not walk by me as If I never was.
I see you.
I know where you have been.
I know where you are going.
It will not be long before you sit here as I do
watching
waiting
wishing
I still feel. Did you ever think of that?
think
want
dream.
Do not look at me and think “oh he’s lived his life”.
No…
No, I am living my life.
My vision although blurry, my hair though gray and thin, my body withered and tired are still living…
I am not sitting here useless.
You can not read my thoughts.
You think I do not know
But I do.
I hear you
You dismiss me.
I am living inside as I always have
remembering the time I was like you.
Now time has taken its toll on this body
but my heart is as young as the day I took my first breath.
Love my inside; do not push away my outside.
I still need
want to belong
do not want to forget
my heart is still young and strong yet
Piano Man
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Durian reviewed Version 1 -
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This is the steam of consciousness of a character you’ve created, a disembodied prose treatment of sorts. I like the proud disposition of this elder. You seem to be writing him with respect and affection.
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Westadark reviewed Version 1 -
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Great Job! Its very unique and makes you think. Great! i will definietly remember this for some reason it implants itself on your brain or something. Excellent! Truely an amazing work of art. Im not just saying that.
Trickst3r reviewed Version 1 -
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This seems an amalgamation of Piano Man by Billy Joel, and Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech. Although not necessarily a bad thing, the fact that it’s been thrown into a single paragraph with repetitious meaning and little to no grammatical prowess has belittled your original intention.
It’s nice that you can look at things from an objective standpoint – one of an old man just wanting to be looked for his former glory – and I’m sure through vocalization, or in personal experience this would be a much better piece.
Keep writing, practice, and slow your thoughts. Separate them into different paragraphs and clear-cut ideas.
It’s also more of a short story than poetry. Poetry usually follows some kind of rhyme scheme or format.
Someone_knows reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve just read the other review of this work, about maybe putting it in the short stories section. I think it is caught in the middle of both but I personally think it would work really well if you re-worked it as a poetic piece as I think it would definately work and have a real impact. The opening sentence particulary grabbed me.
lolanation reviewed Version 1 -
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Think of your writing in a time before blogging. Do they teach blogging in English class? Okay, before you get frustrated with me – I have to say I love love love this line “Dont walk by me as If i never was” – he’s rambling on about his “positions” in life and then when you write that SNAP you got the attention back, suddenly the reader feels as guilty as those who have been ignoring him. Good work! I would strongly go through and check your grammar, re word, indent and put this under short stories. Come on, if you’re not sure what it is, how can we help you and why did you post it?
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