Poetry / New Morning

I was beguiled into writing this review by your attention to minute things that would otherwise pass us by. It is part of a poet’s job to bring such things to mind- dust, cracks, floor, litter, rice, blinds, street etc, yet I yearned for more descriptive passages. Sweeping up silent screams is a very sophisticated notion compared with the banal- laughter of children. Children stain the air with life, the laugter and the tears. I don’t think, with all the goodwill in the world that you can get away with describing a tea-bag as frightened. And if it were capable of expressing fear, I suspect you would not want to pour boiling water on it. All that said, I did enjoy the languid start to your day and the idea that it is a sip of your favourite beverage that reminds you that have a life to live. Kind regards CM

I enjoyed the poem if I am right (which I accept I am not always) is it a coming of age sort of thing where an elderly person reflects on the state of things within her life … If that is right then it is clear …

Any writer here capable of pulling off a line like “I pour boiling life over frightened tea bag” I’m going to judge harshly, since simply saying “you’re good” would be redundant. That said…

It’s a convention of a lot of contemporary poetry (especially slam) but I never understood the dropping of articles randomly. Even in that wonderful line about the tea, there’s an “a” or “the” missing before “frightened”; same in the first line before “tile”. I reckon this is intentional, so I’m going to ask what purpose it serves to you. To me, it just seems like stylization without purpose. It doesn’t have a real effect that I can see except to, um, drop the article.

I’d like to learn more about these “silent screams”. It’s an unconventional image, one that doesn’t have a real definition (not the way “laughter / of children long gone” does, anyway) and so I think it’s kind of unfair to drop it in like that. It doesn’t seem like it refers directly to anything.

The action of the piece starts to get a little repetitive after awhile. Since every stanza starts the same way – “I do this” – none of the things you do feel particularly active. Since they clearly have great significance and meaning (given the last line) I’d like to see the language convey some of the depth that they carry for the narrator. As it stands the significance comes through mostly because you tell us that it’s significant.

I thought the final line, while conveying an admirable and important sentiment, fell kind of flat. “for the first time” is funny directly following “again” – they used to use it as a tagline for buddy-cop movies, so often that it’s become a cliche in parodies of the genre (“Mel Gibson and Michael Richards – together again for the first time!”). It’s neither an original turn of phrase nor one whose implications are anything you want the reader to think of when reading your work.

I’d love to find out why these things hold this significance. You describe them elegantly and vividly, but it’s still just a list that we’re told means something. You’re good with showing, rather than telling, when it comes to imagery, but the only intimation we’re given of your larger points are when you tell us exactly what it means. That robs the work of a lot of its joy, for me as a reader.

—d

wow, this poem is achingly beautiful, and the imagery is so vivid. while reading it, i felt like i was watching a mother in distress. i especially loved the third and fifth stanzas…

“I put the kettle on.
Reach up to pull blinds offering
cluttered streets that see through me,
barefoot in tattered terry robe.”

i love this. it has a unique viewpoint: not only is the subject watching the streets, but the streets are watching her as well…and even empathizing. the clutter outside relates to her life via obscurity and oblivion. they seem to notice each other because of this. this is just my interpretation of course…

the fifth stanza made me smile. it suggests hope, and that’s wonderful in any desolate situation.

simply excellent piece. keep writing, hun.

This is excellent.  The word use is not overdone yet powerful at the same time.

The “pulling blinds…cluttered streets” is visually amazing followed by the tattered robe, all to set the scene and the tone.  Superb.  

“I pour boiling life”, not only could I hear it, but I could see it and imagine how people feel in the morning all at the same time.  Caffeine in tea is much stronger than coffee, isn’t it?

Anyway, so that I don’t kill your credits, I am going to go over this again, maybe pop off an email.  Great job.