Thanks! I appreciate your enjoyment of my work. I was definitely in a whimsical mood when this one struck me. I’m glad this senryu has earned all the recognition that it has. One of these days, I hope to stumble back into the swing of writing these.
Haiku/Senryu / Unreachable: Within our Grasp (Analysis)
Fate stirs around us
Dreams limitlessly floating
Destiny whispers
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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Crimsonclover3 reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed your first attempt at Haiku. You’ve got the 5 – 7 – 5 correct. I enjoyed the soft “s” sounds in all the verses which makes it feel dreamlike. I like how you ended it also. Haiku comes in many forms. Usually the 575 form is about nature, but I have seen others write other things besides nature. Check out The Heron’s Nest – that is a site with the American way of writing haiku. I find haiku hard myself. Just keep going. The more you read and look at people’s examples, the more it will stick in your head. Good luck. Pam
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Maneasy reviewed Version 1 -
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eremiphobia reviewed Version 1 -
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catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good. I like how Fate stirs…it moves around us. Then Dreams float…yep, they do, hehehe in an abstract way. And Destiny whisper…very true…like destiny is spoken, like a prophecy, but it’s done quietly in the back of our minds.
I enjoyed your haiku!
onlywish reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful senyra the second line is a syllable short. For a first attempt this is better then most do who study the form.
Deanne reviewed Version 1 -
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This is pretty good imagery--especially all three thoughts assimilated together.Fate stirring around us laughs at the ideas of us stirring around fate or stirring fate around-—fate’s the bossman yet we are its centrifugal force. In botany, it is the newest petals on the flower. It doesn’t pull us in; neither we nor it is in control. It allows us to be our grandest selves. I like the idea of dreams limitlessly floating; words perfectly chosen for this form of poetry and for following the previous idea. Stirs, dreams and floating are quiet actions that make the last line ideal. Fate and destiny hold hands effortlessly and that destiny whispers gives it all a genteel, positive quality.The words “destiny whispers” have a beautiful sound. It’s a very uplifting haiku. “Floating” and “stirs” gives one a secondary vision of refreshment. “Dreams limitlessly floating” is an artistic masterpiece; eons beyond “limitlessly floating dreams.” I float with the phrase as I read it.It quite removes from mind those ugly words like sneeze and puts the mind in a state of reflection perfection. A testimony to the power of words to spray beauty like air carries the scent of orange blossoms delicately to one’s brain.You are a master of the positive embrace.
Tejayes reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad at all for a first time. It has a good theme, and the sentences fit well together. Keep at it.
untoldstory reviewed Version 1 -
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I can see your message that fate, dreams and destiny are all intertwined (at least that was my interpretation of your piece). I assume that you are saying…that fate is waiting to be explored, while our dreams are not too far away within our grasp…and destiny quietly guides us into the direction in which we are supposed to travel. If that was your message, then I thought you did a great job of linking these three concepts together in such few lines. And, it fit the syllable structure and form of haiku…i would think senryu (since that’s something i’ve just learned here too). Nice piece.
VioletL reviewed Version 1 -
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phenominal for a senryu, not haiku
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