yes. it ‘tis inspired by a personal experiance
Screenplay / Stop making jokes; This isn't funny; It's my life!
Int. /room. 9:17 am Jack
The movie fades in, you see a teenager, aged 16-17 years. He is sitting on his bed; the light is making him a silhouette. His hands are on his head, going through his hair. He looks down, depressed. You hear faint crying coming from him. He jolts up off the bed and punches the air screaming. He kneels down and pounds the ground angry at himself and the world. He gets up and kicks the bed. It hurts him even more. Now he is on one foot hopping, crying, and angry. The scene fades back out.
End Scene.
Int./April’s room day Jack and April
Jack walks into a room. It is a typical teenager room, except it is very clean. There are posters on the wall. And a girl on a bed.
April
How are you.
Jack
I’m…good
April
No you aren’t
Jack
Yes I am.
Jack throws off his shoes and starts playing with a snow globe.
April
Come on, put the down the snow globe.
And could you put your shoes by the door
Jack does what she says then sits down on the bed next to her.
(cont.)
Were you crying?
Jack
No…
Jack tries to hide his face
April
Then why is your face all red.
It looks like you were crying.
Jack gets defensive
Jack
I wasn’t.
April
Jack, if you keep on hiding your feelings.
……….your head will explode.
Jack
Okay, fine.
He gives up on his charade, this is a good friend, he doesn’t want to lie anymore.
(Cont.)
I’m not good.
I’m the opposite of good.
Fuck if good was in the dictionary and you looked up
The antonym of the word good, it would just say Jack.
And have a picture of me like this.
Jack smiles and gives the thumbs up.
April
Hold on
April goes and gets a dictionary and pretends she is looking up the word “Good”
April
Gonopore, Gonorrhea, Goo, Gober, ah here it is good.
She pretends to be looking at the definition.
(cont.)
Huh, you’re right.
Jack
Jesus Merriam and Webster
I don’t know, I mean, I guess…
April
Start at the beginning.
What is this about?
Jack
It’s about my inability to make decisions.
Jack stands up
(cont.)
My failure to be assertive
My existential battle with myself
My drowning in misery.
My…
April cuts him off
April
Does speaking in poetic prose
Make you feel better?
Jack
A bit
He says this with a sly grin.
April
Drop the metaphors Jack
Jack makes an exaggerated movement and sits down.
Jack
But it vaguely hides
The melodramatic truth of my feelings
April
You can’t hide in metaphors.
Jack
Yes you can…watch me.
Jack drops down and pretends to be a cat
(cont.)
I am like the cat, hiding in the shadows.
April
That’s a simile.
Jack gets up from his crouching position and sits on his knees.
Jack
Oh yeah.
April
Get back up here.
She pats the part of the bed next to where she is sitting, Jack goes up on the bed and sits down, then lies his back onto the bed so just his feet are off the bed, but still touching the ground.
Jack
The truth is…
Jack prepares himself to tell how he feels and to tell the truth. He takes a big breath preparing the spout it all out.
(cont.)
I’m in love.
April
Okay…
Then why are you sad.
Jack
Because the girl that I want is Annie.
April is taken aback, almost surprised, but kind of expecting it. She is also a little let down, she is disappointed in Jack a bit.
April
Jack, oh Jack.
Jack sits back up from his prone position.
Jack
I know, I know. It’s stupid.
I shouldn’t be,
she has a boyfriend.
April
Not just that,
She is your friend, one of the best.
Jack
So are you.
April
But you don’t love me.
Jack
I did though. Remember, we went out.
April (exasperated tone)
For like a week.
Jack
So, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it happened.
April
What does this have to do with anything?
Jack
It’s just, that I always fall in love with my friends.
I have this inability to meet new people.
April
Don’t do this to yourself, don’t try and get Annie.
It will end in you crying and me saying I told you so.
Jack
It wont, she has a boyfriend.
April
Not anymore.
Jack
WHAT
April
Annie called me last night crying.
She and Ted broke up.
Jack is ecstatic, happy as can be.
Jack
When?
April
After Todd’s party.
Jack (sarcastically)
That’s too bad
April stops, thinks awhile, looks at Jack depressed on the bed, and then has an idea.
April
Paint.
Jack
What?
April
You are so depressed so…
April pauses and then changes what she was saying.
(cont.)
…and it’s not going to happen.
So just Paint, write, run,
learn to do really good handstands.
Make movies, plant flowers
Jack
I don’t want to do those things.
I mean, to put it bluntly,
I want to do her.
April pushes Jack off the bed.
April
Seriously though…is that what you want?
Jack gets back onto the bed
Jack
No…I want the relationship
Anywho…time to go talk to Annie.
April
No, no, you aren’t.
If you even talk to her today…
Jack gets up and starts to collect his things.
(cont.)
…Seriously where are you going?
A sly grin passes across Jack’s face.
Jack
To console a dear friend.
April
What did I just say!
Jack
I’m kidding. I couldn’t resist it.
(Aren’t I clever.)
To Todds house. Wanna come?
April
No, I gotta study for a test on Monday.
Jack
Okay then. See ya.
Jack starts to leave
April
Don’t talk to Annie!
You see the door slam. April takes out her school work sits cross-legged on the bed and starts studying.
End scene.
Int./ Todd’s house day Jack and Todd
You hear a doorbell ring, see a door open, Jack walks into the house. Todd is standing there, in a bathrobe and boxers and a t-shirt, holding the door open. He is visibly hung-over.
Todd
Come in man, what’s up?
Jack walks into the house and looks around. The house is trashed.
Jack
Have you still not cleaned up from last night?
Todd
I just woke up from last night.
Jack
Aren’t your parents coming home in like…
Jack looks at his watch.
(cont.)
A hour
Todd is suddenly very scared.
Todd
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Todd runs to the kitchen gets a broom and all the products you need to clean, he gets a sponge, gloves, Garbage bags, and everything. And starts cleaning. Jack just stands there by the door. Todd is on the ground cleaning. Todd stops, looks up at Jack just standing in the hall, Todd stares at jack, Jack stares at Todd, then Jack realizes why Todd is staring.
Jack
Oh!
Jack gets a garbage bag and starts throwing in trash.
Jack
So can I talk to you?
Todd
Sure man…fucking dirt, go away!
Jack
So what happened with Ted and Annie
At your party? I was too drunk to remember.
Todd
Well, there was a fight. Over something.
Jack cuts him off, he really wants to know
Jack
What?
Todd
I think…that Ted wanted have sex with Annie.
And she wouldn’t have it.
Jack
Good for her.
Todd
But bad for him,
He said that if they didn’t have sex right now,
Their relationship was over.
And, well, Annie stuck to her guns.
Jack
Stuck to her guns?
Todd
Yeah, ya know like being stubborn.
Jack
I know what it means; just, never heard you say it before.
And…wait…you know all this how?
Todd
I was taking a piss in bathroom at the time.
Actually I fell asleep in that room’s bathtub.
Comfier then you would think.
Jack
This is gross
Jack holds up a can of beer.
Todd
Why is that gross.
Jack
It’s full piss.
Todd
That would explain the smell
Jack
Yeah, I thought that was you.
Todd
Me too.
Jack
Wait, but about, Ted and Annie
They broke up right?
Todd stands up and starts sweeping the room.
Todd
Yeah, Ted stormed out of the room
Slammed the door hard too.
Annie just sat there.
Sipping her soda
Jack
Yeah, she doesn’t drink.
Todd
Why you wanna know?
Jack
No, reason.
Todd
Thanks for helping by the way.
Jack
No prob.
They continue talking, but the scene fades out.
End scene
Ext./ Street day Jack
Jack walking down the street, hands in pocket, light coming from behind him. He is walking by himself. There is a couple of different shots of it. One from across the street, on from behind him, on from in front and it is all handheld except for the one across the street. The scene fades back out.
End scene.
Ext. /Park day Jack and Casey
The two are lying in the park, on the grass looking up at the clouds. When they talk they don’t look at each other. They just look at the clouds.
Jack
Ya know, I can’t yell, I try.
I feel a rising sensation in my throat,
But I just can’t manage to actually do it.
I want to, but I can’t let go of logic
and just give forth to animalistic glee.
Sounds coming forth…not making sense, but all emotion.
I just can’t.
Casey
Why would you want to yell?
Jack
Because I’m so frustrated and angry and
Casey cuts Jack off.
Casey
…Filled with teenage angst?
Jack
Uh huh…how did you know?
Casey
Because we all are. We just don’t all talk about it.
Jack
I personify everyone else’s insecurities.
Casey
Now you’re just being conceited.
Jack
Maybe.
They look at the clouds for 10 seconds or so.
Jack
These moments are the ones worth living for.
These little simple seconds of joy.
They are what make life worth living. I want to hide in them…
These little moments that belong only to us.
They are secrets that I whisper in my ear when I get sad…
Casey
I know what you mean. These moments of life that aren’t moments as much as they are perfection.
Jack
Exactly, but alongside with that I believe that imperfection, is perfection.
Casey
Hm…I don’t know about that.
Jack
I wrote a poem the other day.…during that thunderstorm.
I went outside and stripped down to my boxers
and watched the sunset while the thunder deafened my ears
and lighting blinded my eyes.
Casey
Can I hear it, or just hear about it?
Jack
Oh yeah sure:
“God’s wrath rips across the sky.
A thunderous roar drowns out all that is human.
Life is most beautiful in chaos.”
Casey
I like that last line: “Life is most beautiful in chaos”
The two of them watch the sky a little bit longer.
Casey
Did you know that the heart symbol.
Casey makes the symbol of a heart with two pointer fingers and thumbs.
(Cont.)
is the most universally recognized symbol in the world.
Jack
What does that have to do with anything?
Casey
I don’t know, I guess, this feeling you’re having…
It’s universal…everyone’s experienced it.
Jack
Have you?
Casey
Yes.
Jack
But not this exact feeling, this exact longing without having.
This…
Casey cuts him off.
Casey
I guess, it changes, but everyone has had some form of it.
The two of them look at the clouds for 5 seconds.
Jack
I got to go see Mike…Talk to you later.
Jack gets up
Casey
Bye.
Jack leaves.
Casey
“Life is most beautiful in chaos”
End Scene.
Ext./street day Jack and Mike
Jack and Mike are walking on a street, and talking. Then Jack stops
Jack
I just love her so much.
She is that ideal girl,
That one that every movie is about,
That one that every song is about.
You know, she’s just….perfect
Mike
She really isn’t that girl.
You just want her to be.
Jack
No, no, I think she is the girl of my dreams.
Mike laughs
(cont.)
And not those kind of dreams.
(Get your mind out of the gutter.)
The dreams where I have a family
The dreams where I have a white picket fence
Around a grass green lawn.
Mike steps forward and spreads his arms in a big theatric motion while saying:
Mike
THE AMERICAN DREAM!
Jack hits him on the shoulder jokingly
Jack
Fuck you
Mike
You’re such a pussy man.
They keep on walking
Jack
That isn’t what your mom said last night.
Ohhhhh!
Mike
Dude, my mom is dead.
Jack looks embarrassed
Jack
I forgot. Sorry.
Mike
That’s right you’re sorry.
Jack
Any who, about Annie..
I need her, she’s like a drug.
Mike (in a fake tv announcer voice cuts Jack off)
Don’t let your child do Annie.
It could be the last thing they ever do!
Jack tries to push Mike off the sidewalk
Jack
Stop making jokes, this isn’t funny.
It’s my life!
Mike
Fine
Jack takes out a bag of chips from his pocket looks for a place to sit down, finds one, sits and opens the bag of chips and starts eating.
Mike
Sharing makes the world go ‘round.
Mike puts out his hand for some chips. Jack gives them to him.
Mike (with chips in his mouth)
So what’s your plan?
You can’t understand what mike just said. It is garbled by the chips in his mouth.
Jack
What?
Mike swallows the chips.
Mike
I said: so what’s your plan?
Jack
I dunno, I mean…
I guess…
Jack starts mumbling
Mike
Use your words.
Jack
Fuck you.
I guess I don’t really have one.
Mike
You need a plan.
Think.
Jack into the classic thinker pose. It is a visual pun. Then he gets serious. He puts his hands through his hair in desperation.
Jack
I guess I am trying to play it by ear.
Mike
That is a shitty plan.
Jack
Well what’s your plan?
Mike
For life you mean?
Do everything and anything.
Jack
So you’re playing it by ear.
Mike
No. You have a goal, but no idea how to get there.
I on the other hand don’t have a goal.
But I know the way.
Jack
Then why live with no point B.
Mike
Cause my goal is not the end
It’s how I get there
Jack
That’s cliché bullshit.
Mike
But it’s true
Jack mumbles something and stands up. Starts pacing.
Jack
You’re not helping.
Mike
Why should I?
Jack
Because you’re my friend.
Because you believe that I deserve this.
Mike
But you don’t deserve it.
Jack
What?!
Mike
You think she is this ideal woman
Mike gets up and prepares a rant.
(cont.)
You’re Eve (if you will)
You’re thinking of her as a thing…
And not as a per…
Jack interrupts Mike’s rant.
Jack
But I love her.
I’m not just some jackass looking for a quick lay
Mike
You don’t love her, though
You love the idea of her.
Jack
That’s some Freud shit there.
Mike
It is. Whatever fuck this, lets go.
The movie starts in 10 minutes.
Jack
Fine, after the movie though,
Were talking about this.
Mike
Okay, more emo speak after the movie.
Mike starts walking away. Jack stays for a second.
Jack
I’ll cut you.
Mike doesn’t even stop walking just yells out.
Mike
Not until you cut yourself.
Jack runs up and play hits him. Then are now walking side by side, the scene fades out
End scene.
EXT./Street afternoon Jack and Mike
Jack and mike are leaving the movie theater, walking to a car.
Jack
That movie was shit
Mike
I liked it.
Jack
Lets go somewhere.
Mike
How bout April’s?
Jack
No, I just saw her today
Mike
Um…how bout….Phil’s?
Jack
He’s back?
Mike
Yup, came back Thursday.
Jack
Sweet, lets go.
They keep on walking, the shot fades out.
End Scene.
Ext/street corner afternoon jack and mike
Jack and mike drive up to the sidewalk and park. The two get out of the car and start to walk to a house.
Mike
Oh FUCK!
Mike suddenly realizes something
Jack
What?
Mike
I need to pick up my sister from the airport
In an hour.
Jack
Then go
Mike starts running to his car. He turns runs backwards for a moment.
Mike
See ya man.
He waves and then starts running normal back to his car.
Jack
Bye.
Jack walks up to a house and knocks on the door. He waits for about a five seconds, then rings the doorbell. He puts his hands in his pocket and then he sways back in forth. He knocks again. No answer. He rings again. From the inside faintly you hear a BANG! Then someone getting up and walking toward the door. Then the door opens. A man wearing no t-shirt answers the door, his pants are being put on still as he answers it. He finishes putting them on, and then looks at who is at the door. He then throws his arms around him.
Phil
JACK!
Jack
Hey Phil, see you haven’t changed much.
Phil
Nope
The hug ends.
Jack
So how is your sorry ass
College treating you well?
Phil
I’m good, good.
College rocks
He makes the universal sign for rock on with his hands as he says that and raises them above his head. Then he puts them back down
Jack
Sweet, so can I come in.
Phil
Oh! Yeah come in, come in.
Jack walks in.
Phil
So how are you!? Heard you had bitch troubles.
Jack
Yeah…
Jack kind of seems angry that he knows
(cont.)
How did you hear?
Phil just kind of looks at him.
(cont.)
You have your sources.
Jack thinks a second.
(cont.)
….Yeah, yeah I do.
Phil
Who is it?
He seems genuinely interested.
Jack
Annie.
Phil
It’s a girl!
Damn, now I owe Mike 20 bucks
Jack
(Why does everyone think that?)
But she is the most
Amazing, witty, funny girl
You’ll ever meet.
Phil
I know.
Hell I think I dated her.
Jack
What!
Phil
Yeah in 10th grade
Jack
That would mean she was in 9th at the time
I don’t remember her dating …anyone in freshmen year
Phil
We kept a secret.
Jack
Didja do anything with her
Phil is thinking
Phil
..No, no…but now ya like ‘er
Jack
Yeah. I do,
I have, for awhile now.
Phil
Wait…doesn’t she have that boyfriend…Ted?
Jack
Not anymore. She just broke up with him.
Phil
Well that’s good for you. So you gonna ask her out?
Jack
No.
Phil
Why not?
Jack
Cause she has no idea of my affections.
And I…I….I…I’m scared as fuck to talk to her.
Phil
What does that have to do with anything?
Jack
That whole me asking her out thing is kinda
Put a damper on if I can’t talk to her.
I don’t think I’m gonna ask her out.
I’d rather sit her wishing you were her.
Phil
If I’m her then I better put a shirt on.
Phil pauses for a second.
(cont.)
…But seriously man, if you aint gonna ask her out
Then you gotta get over her.
Jack
See I’ve tried that…and…ahhh….
Funny story…
Jack leans into Phil as if to tell him a secret.
(cont.)
It doesn’t work.
Jack leans back out.
Phil
Why the fuck not?
all you got to do is accept your situation.
Jack
I…I…I don’t follow.
Phil
Accept that you wont ever have her
That that guy kissin her
And feelin her up at the movies
Won’t be you.
Accept it and move on.
Jack thinks about it for a second or four.
Jack
But I don’t want to move on.
I like this feeling of happiness
That I get when I look at her.
Phil
That’s all good an’ well,
But you’re forgetting the depression
When you see her with other guys.
Jack thinks again
Jack
Ya know
Jack laughs
(cont.)
I like that too.
I’m alive when I’m drunk in misery
Phil
Then you are fucked up my friend.
Jack
Little bit.
Phil
Aren’t we all?
Hey you still friends with April?
Jack
Yeah, saw her today, why?
Phil
Um…she was hot.
I wanna see her.
Jack
Okay…I’ll call her tomorrow.
Phil
Cool. Cool. You wanna get crunked?
Jack
What?!?
Phil
Crunked. High, wasted, drunk.
Jack
Guess I’m not up on the junkie lingo.
Phil
I am not a junkie.
Jack
Why don’t you stop then?
Phil
Cause it’s all good.
And if it’s all good. Then why stop.
I mean…I could stop…just don’t wanna.
And I know how cliché that is.
But aren’t we all just a bit post-modern.
Jack
I see then.
Phil
Well, then. So do you?
Jack
Umm…not right now.
Phil
That’s cool.
Wanna go to April’s?
Jack
I thought you were gonna get crunked
Phil
I’ll do it beforehand.
Jack
Coolies
End Scene
Ext./driveway afternoon Jack and Phil
Jack and Phil are walking to a car. Phil is visibly high.
Jack
You know what I’ll drive.
Jack puts hand out for the keys
Phil
Oh…
Phil fumbles for the keys, finds them, gives them to Jack
Jack
You know I am gonna drive to
Hide park drop myself off
Then you can drive yourself to April’s.
Phil
Okay.
They get to the car and leave.
End scene.
Ext./hide park Afternoon Jack
Jack drives up the curb, gets out; Phil goes to the driver’s seat and drives away. Jack walks around a bit, and then decides to go to his spot. He gets there sits down and ponders awhile. Eventually April walks over. She yells his name. He hears her. She walks over.
Jack
What are you doing here?
April sits down next to Jack. She doesn’t answer.
(cont.)
What are you doing here?
April takes a second but finally speaks.
April
…Looking for you.
Jack
Why?
April
Cause Phil just showed up at my house
And in his altered state he reveled
(She imitates Phil)
That you were with him,
But now are not.
(She stops imitating)
I asked where you were
And he explained.
Jack
So pretty much, you were afraid I was killing myself.
April
Pretty much.
Jack
You walk here?
April
Drove Phil’s car
Jack
Good.
Where is he?
April doesn’t answer, a few seconds go by and then she finally musters up the courage to say what she came here to say.
April
What the hell are you doing here?
Jack just looks at her.
April
Acting all depressed—all emo.
You did this to your fucking self.
Jack
What?...
Jack is taken aback by this statement
(cont.)
Are you saying that I am making myself depressed?
April
No, no, no you miss the point.
You created this misery.
This situation that you’re in.
Jack
You’re saying I created this problem
On purpose.
April
Not exactly.
I’m saying that everyone
Makes their own problems.
And that you made this one.
Jack
What about the holocaust, and
Genocide in Sudan.
April
I mean in their own lives.
Jack
Oh.
April
And I am sorry to say,
But I think the only way
April doesn’t want to say this, but finally lets it burst out of her.
(cont.)
For you to fix this…
is to talk to her
Jack
That may be the smartest thing
I have heard all day.
And believe me I have heard a lot.
April
Well….thank you.
I guess.
Jack
So I am gonna go ruin my life.
Wish me luck
Jack gets up from his sitting position.
April
Good luck.
Do you even know where she is?
Jack
No. I probably should know that.
April
Yeah…she’s in squirrel hill.
Jack
K thanks.
Jack does a military salute to April as he starts backing up and says goodbye.
(cont.)
Bye.
Jack leaves.
End scene.
Ext./ Squirrel hill afternoon., almost night Jack and Annie.
Jack is looking everywhere for Annie. Everywhere, Running, jogging, head back and forth, he finally see’s her back on the street. He straightens his clothes, fixes his hair walks up to her and hesitates, then he taps her on the shoulder. She starts to turn. The shot cuts to Jacks face
Jack
…………..I
And right before he says anything the screen cuts to black.
THE END.
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DannyChadwick reviewed Version 1 -
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Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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TheApostate reviewed Version 1 -
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ayawolff reviewed Version 1 -
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FroManShevZ reviewed Version 1 -
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I did not like it, sorry. If you intended this to be a full legnth script, it was too short. But it was also probably be too long for a short film. The dialouge is interesting on paper, but actual teenagers would likely not be so eloquent (I know because I am one). There is some good material here, stuff worth working with. Make it longer, and do not just keep introducing character after character. Let other storylines develope. Plus, the ambiguous ending did not work for me. It felt like a long, long, long build up to nothing.
If I were you, I would do some research into the proper way to write a screenplay. There were some errors, mostly in the direction. I would reccomend that you read the script aloud, maybe with a friend, to see what sounds good and what is just a forced situation for the sake of moving the plot forward. Good luck! You obviously have talent, it is just a matter of working at bringing it out in the proper manner.
P.S. Your description says this is about an actual girl you are dating, so congradulations! ... I guess? Haha, sorry, I don’t really know what else to say…
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Kym reviewed Version 1 -
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Script writing is really about the visuals. You need to be putting images on the screen. Except for a few freak events, like Clerks, a script can’t just rely on dialogue.
A good exercise would be to write down what actually happens in this section of script. Movies do not operate on the same time frames as real life. The contents of this script could be reduced by two thirds and still tell the same story.
I do think you have a good start here. But you need to think about visuals, and about sub-plots. Jack is in every scene, which makes the viewer think that nothing exists outside of Jack’s perceptions. You need to be creating a world here i.e. Chumscrummer, not just an insular view.
If you are writing a script just because you have some ‘choice lines’ that you want to build something around, it’s just not going to work.
I’m not going to go through this line for line. But you do have some good dialogue, so do it justice.
cooeedownunder reviewed Version 1 -
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If this is the beginning of a screenplay you need the following;
FADE IN:
Slug lines are used for three purposes;
1 inside or outside INT or EXT
2. Place or room where it is happening – GOLF COURSE – BEDROOM
3. DAY or NIGHT
You don’t put a time in the slug line-, nor do you use a name example Jack. You can convey to the reader what will be shown on the screen. Will we see a clock with the time on it? If so, it must be relevant to the story.
You also need to let the directory decide on screen shots ect.
You don’t need to say - The movie fades in a description line. When it is placed at the top, it is clear that the movie is beginning, and the director will decide how this happens. Also when you introduce a character, their name should be in CAPS, and you give the reader their age, and a short description of the persons charachterisitics. Example of your first scene should go something like this.
FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
JACK, (17) dark haired, solemn looking, sits silhouetted by (how does morning light, silhouette someone?
You don’t end scene. END: is used at the very end of the screenplay.
If April is the girl on the bed, tell us her age, short description.
How is Jack playing with the snow glove; is he turning it upside down, clicking a button?
How does Jack hide his face? With his hands? With a pillow. You need to visually show the reader exactly what would be on a screen. You don’t tell the reader, they want to see the pictures.
How do we know April is looking up the word good?
You don’t need to say April cuts him off. You need to show it by her interrupting the conversation. Description lines are for description, not directions in conversation.
Just some small assistance. Keep working on it, and visit google and search for screenplays – there are thousands that can be downloaded over the Internet for free. These will help you greatly.
Good luck with it.
Deon reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay. I like the story, the plot. It’s authentic. Inspired by a personal experience, possibly? I also like Jack. He’s deeper than your average young guy, and he thinks a lot about things, like me. So, on that point, you’ve managed to get a reader – and, hopefully one day, a viewer – to identify with one of the screenplay’s characters.
However…I found the dialogue a bit too cliched sometimes. Perhaps if you shorten some of the conversations it might keeep the dialogue snappy and smart. Jack has some good lines that shouldn’t be let too waste in overlong conversation. Also, perhaps you should make the characters around him smarter, or deep in their own way, so that Jack doesn’t seem like a smart-ass.
Good work. Keep it up…
annie reviewed Version 1 -
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Alright. Phew. Man, you had me laughing really hard at a lot of your dialogue. In a GOOD way! I loved it! It was fantastic!
I think you can cut that long discussion between Phil and Jack, though. You had a few great little lines in there, like when Jack leans forward and says “It doesn’t work” about the just accepting the situation comment that Phil has dropped. But other than that this whole sequence of the screenplay really slowed the pacing down almost to a standstill. It was just repeating what he had already discussed, or stated, with both April and Mike.
I liked Phil’s character. And loved the “crunked”, but either shorten it down to a simple run-in in the street after the movie – he doesn’t need to get high for it to be obvious that he mostly is – and that he then gives Jack a ride and all that. Or just cut him out of it all together. Jack can still go to Hide Park and have April looking for him.
A lot of your description isn’t written the way one expects in a screenplay. There’s too much detail as to shots, angles, time frames etc. All this will come together naturally once the shooting begins and isn’t for the screenwriter to put in there, simply because shots and angles isn’t your decision – it’s the directors. And how the characters move is only important if they have to get from point A to point B, perhaps putting a drink down to then walk up to someone and slapping them on the cheek. Like, for instance, the opening scene could be a simple “Jack is depressed. He takes it out on his room.” And then leave that for the director and, more importantly, the actor to interpret in their own way.
And the scene heading never introduces which characters are in the scene. Scratch that alltogether.
I think you could do well with reading a few professional screenplays. www.script-o-rama.com is great for that. Just to see how the format should be.
However, you have a solid story, absolutely fabulous dialogue throughout most of it – even though I felt Jack’s rants became a bit overthetop at times, a good enough actor could pull them off and make them believable, so I wouldn’t edit them too much – and I really wanted to find out what was going to happen. I did like that you left the ending out, though.
Again, really really great! I’m adding you to my favs!
xxx Annie.
:)
GeorgiaIreland reviewed Version 1 -
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SO very true. Who hasn’t felt like this at one point in time while in high school?
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