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Poetry / Payday
A place within your coldest part,
Within the shadow behind your heart,
Be as you are in your ever more,
Be as you aren’t, the girl I adore,
Hold your head high, in stratosphere,
As from behind my cover I stare,
The picture of sublime to the ridiculous,
Fills me with dread, more or less,
You came to me to tell me how bad I have been,
But I am within myself, a little boy, life held in screams,
Be gentle with my head, as I hide myself away,
This is yet another, frightening obsolete day,
I find myself in the corner of the room, somewhere in the shade,
As I look from behind my hands, the image that I am afraid,
Stand above me, for you can see I am very weak,
Make me pay for your troubles, strength among the meek,
The tears I cry have a message for you to hear,
They tell you from under my breath, beware,
For an animal trapped with no where to go,
Its only way out, through your demise, you know,
I mean you no harm if you let me go,
Although I am trapped, with the stress I flow,
Shielded from what’s real by sheets of glass,
As through my life’s history book, I gently pass,
I suppose I will be here for more than a day or two,
And I suppose in my future, there will be more than one of you,
My memories haunt me in this ever more,
As in violence, I find my own door,
My way to go through their in and out,
As I pass by your image, shrouded with an aura of doubt,
I told you this was only going to be for a minute or two,
And through this time, you knew,
I am but a passing star,
Some would argue I go too far,
Me I am but a simple tiny boy,
Hardly one you could call your little toy…
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mpotavin reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, if I sound a little harsh, it is only because I am trying to help. First thing that needs some work would be the rythmn. Rhyming does not create rythmn, syllables do. Let me break down the beginning of your poem syllablicly:
line 1: 8
line 2: 9
line 3: 9
line 4: 10
line 5: 8
line 6: 9
line 7: 12
line 8: 7
Now if you were using free verse, this would not matter, but since you are using a rhyming scheme, you are almost forced to conform to a regimented number of syllables per line. So, with this in mind, you should consider removing “your” from line two and change “aren’t to are not. This will establish a pattern of 8 9 9 10. Continue to follow this pattern through out the rest of the poem.
Secondly, poetry is like any other kind of writing in that one must establish some elements of who, what, where, when, how, and/or why. I understand that this is a purely internal journey, but a writer must always be conscious of their audience. Make us understand. The few elements you use to set the scene are vague and should be defined. What happened? We get your hurt, but why? What did you gain from your experience? Incorporate more sensations like sound, touch and smell to bring the reader closer to this moment.
Let me know if you do a rewrite!
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demi_goddess_of_musik reviewed Version 1 -
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You used exact and inexact rhyme very well in this which makes an already original poem even more original because inexact rhyme is very underused in today’s poetry. Your descriptions are excellent and vivid (simple tiny boy, frightening obsolete day, etc). Couplets usually do not work well if you are trying to sound mature, but this was a very mature poem, so I can tell you are a gifted writer. The continual referrals to how you are such a young little boy was a very good move. Excellent work. I give you a 9.
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