Poetry / Pride

Mention to me again what it is that’s my own mistake,
As within me lies a curled up hissing snake,
Ready to pronounce against any type of foe,
Curled up in submission, with no destination to go,
Waiting for the sentence, the open gate,
Ready to attack with venom, ready a life to take,
For if you claim understanding where there is none,
You will be alone, shadows undone,
Pass me the gun I wish to play roulette,
There are images I need to forget,
Check it out, see my eyes as they burn,
As from your heaven, my hell returns,
I am in your image something you will never be,
And this picture, only contains what you term as me,
Cheer me on, from the sidelines, at the edge,
Cheer my charge, as I light up the sky, clinging onto my minds own ledge,
Fierce animals attack my soul,
My demise their goal,
To be standing here, I face up to you,
Our battles commence; the clash of minds is through,
Defeat is not an option, for how is it I can fail,
As through my history, your picture I impale,
In the dark, the messengers relay your tales of hate,
As I close my ears, my ego to deflate,
Take it upon yourself to question every man’s time,
As I ignore your challenges, within my very own rhyme…

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Reviews

December 01, 2006

jungsnkim

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
733	89.5% (143 votes)	19.7%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	F	Goleta, CA	November 22

jungsnkim reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Your work is quite challenging to the reader in a literal and figurative conotations. You seem to argue within with someone you want to acknowledge has hurt you that is evident throughout. This poem is hard to read from a lack of rhthym, you have the rhyme in the piece but it tends to run on in some places: Waiting for the sentence, the open gate,
Ready to attack with venom, ready a life to take.

In the second sentence the beat is too long. There’s some other ones in there that take from the beat. The imagery is strong and would love to see it in its strongest format.
Strong images: Pass me the gun I wish to play roulette, There are images I need to forget.

I’d also change some wording around like: Check it out, see my eyes as they burn, As from your heaven, my hell returns, (Check it out, see my eyes burn, As for your heaven, my hell returns).

Just some suggestions and know you will keep writing it’s raw material and would work well with some fine tuning. Passionate stuff though.