Poetry / Judgment Day

Greetings

Needs pruning

My heart is weighed
Against a feather
Found innocent
Into Osiris arms unbound
I feel the breath of God
Upon my neck?
I who have felt no arms surround
must let the gods suffice
I have paid the price
Never told what gift
A crown of thorns
A womb of bone
and eyes so heavy
my tears are stone

I lay my head upon the earth
Feel it throb and so atone
become its heart and stand alone

Maat flutters briefly on the scale
So aware
I lift my heart
Place it there
Watch Anubis hold and balance
heart with truth … truth with heart
so carefully , so very fair
It rests quite level
I dare to lift my eyes
Unroll my tongue
Show the scars
Where years have stung

God bends to touch one tear.

“I who have felt no arms
surround
must let the gods suffice” is an awesome line. Great poem, very good writing. Quite an interesting view of judgement and heart with truth, truth with heart makes it seem not so scary.
Thank you, this is an idea that will stay with me with makes it a poem that had an effect, which is what we all dream our poetry will do.

A mighty story that stirs deep within a person’s soul.  Really accurate portrayal of poetry.  The wording and rhyme scheme go without a hitch.  I love how it rolls off one idea onto the next with the short wording at the end of each stanza.  Really touching work as well, as given in the notes that help any misunderstanding.
Very strong imagery here:

...and eyes so heavy
my tears are stone..

To lift my eyes
unroll my tongue
and show the scars
where years have stung

Powerful piece of work and for the uniqueness of it I gave it a 10.

Beautiful, There are so many vivid details, which had my brain just going… The way that you clearly understand what you believe in, adds many dynamics to this poem. The feelings and emotions of awaiting a greater and deeper judgement, than that of the ones “we” go through nowadays in our society everyday by “imperfect” men. Men who play the roles of Gods, and lead others into damnation. There are so many analogies, as well as truth and humility within this piece.  Good Luck
Teddy

This poem is excellent, I love the use of ancient Egyptians gods opposed to the one God. Just a few very minors things I saw I would like to point out. in the phrase “i who have…surround”, that line is a little weird ending with just surround. I think that line should be either changed or manipulated in some way to make it flow better. In stanza 5, the “and so atone, become its heart and stand alone.” After reading your nots for the reviewer I understand what atonemeans, but i’m not quite sure I get the second half of that. I’m not sure if its just me or if its what’s written. If yo find its just me, than ignore it!.
I apllaud the contrast of God and the gods in the pome, excellently done!!!

Erendar

I like the sense of freedom in this poem, both in its words and structure. The rhymes don’t feel forced, they come naturally and don’t feel tightly metered.

I really like the imagery in this as well: especially “a crown of thorns, a womb of stone…”.

The only criticism I have is that the stanzas sometimes seem to jump from one thing to the next. “and laid my head upon the earth” for example, didn’t seem to follow on from anything. Also, why does the stanza “maat flutters briefly on the scale…” come almost at the end, when we were told right at the beginning that you have already been found innocent? Shouldn’t this be at the beginning?

Apart from that, I really enjoyed this. I can feel it has some depth to it, subtly expressed that isn’t always apparent. I find it beguiling.

  I get a wonderful feeling in this, as it makes me see that God has mercy for those who suffer in their lifetime.
It is a peaceful piece.