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Haiku/Senryu / innocent youth
Most curious child,
pulling a foot to the face
for a toe scratched nose.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Awe, I could picture the black and white photo of a kid attempting this truly weird act. lol
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neverisapromise reviewed Version 1 -
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CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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Shaniqua reviewed Version 1 -
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Who hasn’t see a child do this? Sometimes simple observations are all that’s needed. Nice.
DaRoo reviewed Version 1 -
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It really does show the innocence, simplisity, and follishness of youth.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting imagery. Very hard to do for any child, but interesting nevertheless.
I’d suggest changing the last line to “A toe scratching nose” or something similar so it jives more with the present tense of line 2; haikus are all about the now and the act of happening.
tstar11 reviewed Version 1 -
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it is 19 sylables but hiku doesnt have to be it comes from the heart usualy which is what i like yours is not its from your sight very creative very good keep on working
RemyEvans reviewed Version 1 -
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Adorable, with a sentiment I think the original haiku writers would like. Maybe hyphenate “toe-scratched”. “Child” is a clever “cheat” word—one syllable or two, depending on what’s necessary. I don’t know what more I can say about it. Your point of view is very well-displayed with the first line, so adult and grown up and observant. The second line must have been tricky for you; every word is necessary to get your point across. Well done. And your ending line has just the right punch of humor. Very nicely crafted. I wouldn’t change a single word.
Smintboyuk reviewed Version 1 -
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Should it be ‘toe-scratched’? Is L3 written in the past tense, yet L2 is present?
I like the image and the idea, the word choice is just not rich enough for me.
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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your reveiw notes tell the reader what the haiku is about. If this is necessary, the haiku itself is not effective. Also, a Haiku is generally about nature and contain a seasonal word. This is really a Senryu.
L1 is perfect, establishes the subject
L2 needs improvement, “a” “to the” are just filler and don’t continue the description of “curious” this foot isn’t pulled to the face for curiousities sake, but to accomplish a purpose. Also, L3 tells you everything that is in this line, because one can’t scratch their nose with a toe without this action.
L3 this should have your revelation in it, your “ah ha!” moment. toe-scratched nose is effective, “for a” is filler again. you could even make L2 “creating a toe-scratched nose” and have L3 open for a real payoff line. Perhaps elaborating on the innocence suggested in the title or the curiousity suggested in L1
Good luck.
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