Wow! It was straight stream of consciousness and I thought it sucked, but sometimes we artists are unbelievably hard on ourselves. I posted it because I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to clean it or scrap it. Hey, I’ll clean it!
Poetry / Ice
Crystal shimmers across the ground,
Crackles under my feet, sparkling shards
of dreams lost on a man like you,
Crushed and broken, now water
under the bridge, or something like that.
But, in my cold world,
Ice never melts, it’s a constant reminder
Of lonely skies and nights cold and alone,
So the ice has cogged the river and nothing,
not even time can force its passage under bridges.
Your eyes were always ice chips
And you’d think I knew that mirrored your soul,
That I would see your devotion was impossible
And my love was a mistake I would always regret.
I step on shards of dreams I left behind,
Think of you, and my lesson is learned,
I close my eyes and the wind still bites me,
Cold and alone is no way to live.
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vampyresunset reviewed Version 2 -
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First off,i think your correct about that whole “5 min” thing.The best poetry comes off the top of your head.Second,i loved this poem.I understand the feeling of loving someone who WONT love you.Who refuses to love you.My only complaint is the verse “Of lonely skies and nights cold and alone”.It seemed a little repetitive.But other than that,this poem was very heartfelt.
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Wituckatron reviewed Version 1 -
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who said “all poetry is written in a trance”? definitly true for me.
word 2: ‘shimmers’ or ‘shimmer’? read aloud and go with the honey line…
end of Stanza 1: “or something like that”
weak.
pull it and make a sapphic stanza (orignly 11, 11, 11, 5 syllables in Grk.)
“Of lonely skies and nights cold and alone”
sound!
‘cogged’ the right word?
“I step on shards of dreams I left behind,”
border line hackney, but something really cool in this.
more
then condense it
*
thanks for the poem. i enjoyed it
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