Thanks. That is what I am trying to do, so I guess it worked. There are two additional chapters, if you are interested.
Novel Treatments / City of Concrete-Chapter Two
Jess rubbed her hands over her face and let out a shaky sigh. “My God,” she thought. This time it had been so real. She swore she could feel the tender areas on her body where the police had thrown her into the back of the car. If she breathed in just so, she could smell the foul odor of urine that permeated the vehicle. Jess looked at her hands and could still feel them tingling from shooting the gun. Yet, laying in her bed, covered by a silken comforter and hearing Michael’s off-tune voice taunting her from the shower singing “Summer Wind” by Frank Sinatra, she knew it had only been a dream. Jess was certain he chose this song because it was a cherished reminder of her father who passed away a year ago. For just a moment, she allowed herself the indulgence of remembering herself as a little girl, feet on top of her father’s, dancing and dancing. The memory created yet another small tear in her heart and her eyes filled. Oh, how she loved her father. She was always his little girl until the day he died. He made her feel so safe and loved.
Michael chose this vulnerable time in her life to start the beatings. Jess remembered the first time he slapped her face. It had been the day that she had returned from her mother’s after helping her clean out her father’s belongings. He had begged for her forgiveness, told her that he was under tremendous stress at work and promised that he would never raise a hand to her again. She believed him. His anger had always been just under the surface but had never been directed at Jess. Michael loved her and his guilt was palpable. She chose to believe him.
Looking at the clock and realizing that Michael’s ten minute shower was almost over; she swallowed every bit of emotion and reached deep inside to find the determination to put her plan in motion.
She had just enough time to throw on the matching robe to her pajamas and begin her preparations for the day. Quickly, she made the bed. Tight corners, pillow shams placed just right and the comforter folded down exactly as Michael demanded. The night before, she put a charcoal gray suit, light blue Oxford shirt and cobalt stripped tie onto his trouser press. Opening his top drawer, she took out a pair of dark grey socks, white boxer briefs and t-shirt and placed them across the bottom of the bed. She had just enough time to grab his black wing tip shoes and put them beside the bed where he dressed each morning when he walked out of the bathroom.
Wrapped in a towel with another in his hand rubbing briskly to dry his hair, he watched Jess just as she was leaving their bedroom. “Feeling lazy today, huh,” he said as she passed in front of him. Knowing that Michael was referring to her still being in her pajamas, she did her best to ignore the comment and muttered, “Mmm,” as she fled down the stairway. He yelled after her, “Hey, you’re not having one of your days are you? Remember you have to meet me at 6:00 for the holiday party.” Leaning against the newel post, Jess didn’t want to answer, but she knew better. “No, I am fine. I’ll be there.” She heard him mumble a sarcastic comment as he walked toward the bedroom.
There wasn’t much time as she hurried into the kitchen. The night before, she had stayed up after Michael had finished working in his office and made a breakfast casserole. Scrambled eggs mixed with just a touch of spicy salsa, topped with potatoes, onions, green peppers and cheese. She popped it in the oven to warm along with flour tortillas. This was one of Michael’s favorite breakfasts, which she usually made on weekends. Although she would do anything possible to have him leave the house in a good spirits this morning. It was difficult enough to attend his company parties, pretending to be the perfect couple, socializing, and laughing at all of the appropriate times. It was absolute torture to do the same with a broken rib or a sprained wrist. After standing for hours, she would often get into the car and weep softly. “What the hell is wrong with you,” he would shout in the darkness. “All of the other wives seem to enjoy the good food and great company without having a nervous breakdown.”
Jess knew that she had only one chance. One of them would not make it through and, at this point, she didn’t care if it was her. She had no where to turn. There were no brothers; not even an uncle. Her father was the only male role model in her life until she met Michael. He had gone to his deathbed believing that Michael would care and love his only daughter as much as he did. He had died in peace. The only regret was her mother. Jess knew if anything happened to her, it would kill her. However, her health had been on a steady decline in the past year and death was quickly knocking at her door. Neither her mother nor Jess feared death because, along with her father, they would be a family again.
Hearing the click of Michael’s shoes walking on hardwood, she knew he was dressed and ready to come downstairs. She had lost time in thought and quickly ran to his office, riffled through his portfolio case and removed what she had been looking for, zipping the case when she finished. Jess rolled his designs in placed them behind the love seat in his office and ran back to the kitchen. When Michael walked in, he had fresh orange juice, black coffee and his favorite egg casserole and tortillas set at his place. “You knew I’d be in a hurry this morning. I’ve got to meet Howard first thing and show him the designs before the client gets there at 9:00.”
“I know but I thought you’d like a good breakfast before you go since it’s such an important day.”
Michael gulped down the orange juice and grabbed his travel mug, pouring his coffee inside. He took one longing glance at the breakfast and started for the closet to get his coat.
“I can make up a couple of wraps for you to bring and eat on the way,” Jess suggested.
“Don’t bother. I’ve got to get out of here. Do your best not to be late again tonight. I don’t need you to embarrass me.” Then he was out the door; his uneaten breakfast still warm. She stared down at the plate, picked it up and threw it against the kitchen wall.
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alterego reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well done. I can feel Jess’ tension and even a little thrill. I still hate Michael. The writing really carries the story at a great pace. I would love to have seen Michael get a little drop of orange juice on his jacket and to see Jess’ struggle with whether or not to tell him. Great job.
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RoninGunner reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s good. The writing flowed well. It was a bit on the short side, but it made me wonder at what her plan was and what she took. Even for its shortness, it made me hate michael already and feel bad for Jess.
Trisha reviewed Version 1 -
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Have to be honest I have’nt read the first chapter so some of what I say may be wrong if so I apologise. I didn’t get to see the characters, what do they look like, you have brought them to life now let us see them. You could expand this by showing us the atmosphere of the settings, take us there sit us in the office, the lounnge, the kitchen let us become a part of your story, draw us in, make your words a mvoie screen. Also just watch the dialogue when a new character speaks it’s a new paragraph. Also keep a check on spelling and grammer. Looking forward to seeing more.
dove reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job
attention grabber
can’t say much helpful
left me ready for more.
KimRoach reviewed Version 1 -
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Ohhh, This was terrific. You do such an excelent job of showing the relationship between Jess and Michael. She is the typical battered wife. She knows what is going on is not right, but feels trapped. She waits on him hand and foot in hopes of avoiding arguements. The addition of her feelings of what her father would think is a great edition. I also like the way you show how much of a jerk Michael is with his few comments that are nothing more than means of control over Jess. All I can say is kudos to you for a great story. The only suggestion I can make to improve the writing is go through and check your usage of was and had. I think many times you could get away without using them.
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