Thanks for the review. You are so right. I haven’t worked this through enough. I am still working through the next chapter. However, Jack will be back although not right away.
Novel Treatments / City of Concrete-Chapter 3
Chapter 3-City of Concrete
Four weeks earlier, Jess walked into a store in downtown Boston called, “The Spy Guy.” Her jet black hair that reached almost down to her waist in a mass of curls was tightly secured in a severe bun. Large round sunglasses hid her aqua blue eyes and partially covered her face. Because of her beauty, many people remembered her, especially men. She did everything she could so that the sales person would find her to be unremarkable. She wore khaki pants, a beige turtleneck, down parka and Ked sneakers. When she approached the slightly balding, kind-faced man behind the counter, he knew instantly that this woman was in trouble. He had been off the Boston Police force for almost ten years. However, 25 years of training helped him recognize when something wasn’t right. There was something so vulnerable about this woman’s appearance. She was very thin and petite and had a quality about her that made him want to reach-out to her. Jack had a daughter about her age and instinctively felt a tug inside.
“Can I help you find something,” he said as he noticed her particular interest in nanny cameras. For some peculiar reason, he had a feeling it wasn’t a nanny that was causing the fear that even the large sunglasses could not mask.
“Yes, I am interested in a nanny cam but don’t want it to be placed in your usual stuffed bear or wall clock. Do you have anything a bit more up-scale?”
“Well, they don’t call me the Spy Guy for nothing. If you have something in mind, just bring it to me and I’ll install a camera that even the cleverest criminal mind won’t detect,” he said with a wink. He could see the obvious relief wash over this mysterious woman.
“Oh, that’s great. I have to find something appropriate and then I’ll bring it back here, you know, so I can make sure that my baby is safe,” she said casting her eyes downward.
“Miss, if you suspect that there is any child abuse going on, you might want to speak with the police; they could certainly service you quicker than I can,” Jack said with concern in his voice.
“Oh, no, no, that is not necessary. My husband tells me that I am just overprotective. But my opinion is you can never be too careful,” she said with urgency in her voice.
The way she said the word husband, Jack thought. Why did he believe that there wasn’t a baby; it was the husband that made her jump when he placed his hand gently on her arm. “Well, in that case, I can have the camera installed in four days once you come back. Will that we quick enough?”
“That would be wonderful. Thank you, Jack,” Jess read from his gold colored name plate on his shirt. “I am sorry that I am a bit jumpy. This spy stuff is a bit out of my league,’ she said with a small smile. “By the way, my name is Rachel.” She said as she walked toward the door. For the rest of the day, Jack felt something along the line of concern every time she came to mind, and that was often.
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catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Booklady285 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was interesting. For the most part it was pretty well written. I could feel Jess’ nerviousness, and Jack’s’ concern. I’d suggest doing a carevul edit with an eye towards the over use of the word “that”. Examples:
Miss, if you suspect that there is any child abuse going on,
so I can make sure that my baby is safe,” she said - if you take the “that” out of both of these, they will read smoother. Publishing editors look for overused “that” and “had”. Go over the rest of it for others.
Overall, I think this a pretty well done. I hope this helps.
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alterego reviewed Version 1 -
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Not as tightly written as the other paragraphs, but still very intriguing and fun to read. I would suggest that when you say “off the Boston Police” you may want to specify did he retire? Did he leave? ”off the Boston Police” left me a bit unfulfilled. I would like a bit more of his internal feelings about what he is speculating about Jess’ situation. I agree with another critique that I read that you should try to make this chapter come from his perspective rather than bouncing back and forth.
Can’t wait for more!
KimRoach reviewed Version 1 -
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There is a bit of a switch in PoV in this. You start out with Jess, but then you switch to the shop keepers perspective. I think this would work better if you kept it from the shop keepers perspective the whole time. You can describe her and go into his head about what he is thinking about her.
“Can I help you find something,” … That is a question and should have a question mark at the end. Keep the he said without capital though.
he said with a wink. ... I noticed a couple times that you write, with a. You can streamline this by just saying. he winked.
Or
she said with urgency in her voice. ... she said urgently. I know people say not to use adverbs, but sometimes it is better. Although, even better would be something like. The urgency in her tone betrayed her guise.
Or
Jack said with concern in his voice… This could be streamlined by cutting out in his voice, since it is implied that it is his voice because he said it. But, better yet, instead of telling us how things are said, let us assume how they are by what is said and the actions the character take while saying them. Perhaps something like. Jack said as he peered through the dark glasses, trying to get a read on the aloof woman. Or, Jack said as he placed his hand on hers.
Overall, this was a nice addition to the story and makes me wonder where the story is going next. Is Jack going to become Jess’s allie?
JeanJefferies reviewed Version 1 -
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about this woman’s appearance .. i would add “he thought” at the end here
I think when he says police can protect him better than he can. The line is… bs, and a former police officer he knows how little police do anything to help anyone who isnt in the familiar circle with their gang. Also the mark up on spy gear is nice, and sales I couldn’t imagine to be as high as mcdonalds so I dont think he would try to blow off any business.
She said as she walked .. this can be streamlined down to “she walked”
she came to mind .. I would say “to his mind”
I think you have a great set-up here that offers real intrigue. I love your titled, and I am a believer in a strong title. Also maybe in the opening thing you write up top, you coud give a brief summary of chapters one and two, and where we are beginning here, but I think it reads fine as is. Good Luck
dove reviewed Version 1 -
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Got me I want more
already the characters stand out
can’t wait for more.
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