Camawin, indeed, I had some trouble feeling this one. I will have to go back and look at it, but while I respect your opinion and your suggestions, I’ll wait until I get a couple other people weighing in and then I’ll see what else I can do. I do, I agree, need you, the reader, to feel my characters. Thanks.
Short Story / goodbye
I can’t believe this is happening, but I can’t go on…..I can’t…..I can’t do it, and I can’t tell you exactly why either…..it’s just too hard, just too painful, and it’s just too soon that I can’t take you there about why I would do this to myself…..the rope is here in my hands, if only you could see it…….it’s a soft rope because I couldn’t take something course wrapped around my throat…..isn’t that funny? That I can’t take that itch, that pain, that stiff cord around my throat even when it is choking me, holding me in place, pulling from me every last breath until my heart no longer beats? I can’t explain it…..I can’t, and I won’t….you don’t deserve any more explanations…..you never listened anyway, and I don’t even know why I am saying this, why I am even bothering…….no one will hear me speak…….no one will hear my cries…….but you will fucking watch this a million goddamned times…..and everyone else will see it…….and you will cry for me just this once, cry for me and feel what I have felt for so long…….you have been so cold, so unfeeling for so long it’s as if I live with a mannequin, a plastic figurine there in the living room, there on the couch, there just out of reach behind the glass, clothed in your latest fashions, always perfectly festooned in your glamour, your style, your money……so cold and so far away but just on the other side of the glass and never coming out to talk or touch……and you could never even see me, could you? You were always just staring ahead, just past me into oblivion…..not once did I ever recall that you looked at me, no matter how much I spoke with you……did you ever hear any of it? Even when I cried, when I pounded on the glass, threatened to break it…….not once did you look up and acknowledge me……..I have been nothing more than your window dressing, around you to make you more beautiful, but never actually the focus, never actually the part your fucking life revolved around…….it was all about Robert, all about him and how he made you feel……..the parties, the wild nights out til all hours, the stupor in the morning when the drugs hadn’t yet worn off, when you were up just to puke your guts out in the fucking sink or the toilet or the bathtub or just on the goddamned floor……and who the fuck did you think cleaned up that shit after you? Me, it was always me……..I was always left there, the only one coherent, the only one paying attention, the only one there after all the partiers had gone home, the one cleaning up the horrible mess, the one who had gotten no sleep, laying under the covers hoping that he wouldn’t come back again like he had so often to “tuck me in”……..fuck you, bitch……….you never cared, you never listened, you never tried…….all I could do was hide and wish that I was somewhere else, try and pretend that I was asleep, try and pretend that I was somewhere else, wish that I was someone else, pray that god would come and take me away, even that he would hurt me so badly that I would die there in the bed and never have to face it again, see him again, catch your guilty, furtive glances, hear your sad attempts at reconciliation, feel your luke warm embrace, your spaghetti arm on my shoulders, your flaccid hand on my arm, smell your rancid breath, a mixture of booze, cigarettes and vomit first thing in the morning……..did you ever wonder why I had your coffee ready? Not because you would hit me if I didn’t, but because it washed out your mouth and when you were being so lovey dovey, when you couldn’t keep away from me in your stupor, in your drug induced haze, when you had to be close to me for whatever reason, or because you knew that he had come to my room last night……..then you had to try and make it up to me……here’s some hugs and some hush money…….don’t tell your friends…….don’t tell your teachers……don’t tell anyone…….just go to school……..go to the mall………..just go somewhere else while we lit up another joint, while that man in the black car came round with his little duffle bag……….just go somewhere else because you don’t belong here and we don’t love you…………fuck you, bitch…….I hate you, I hate you, I hate you……..and now you will pay…..now you will suffer like I have, but worse……..because you can never hurt me again, you can do nothing to me ever again, and everyone will know what you did…….everyone will see it and there will be nothing you can do, nowhere you can hide, and you two will go away forever to live behind those gray walls in tiny rooms where others will hurt you everyday…sucks to be pretty, but he is prettier than you are and he’s going to pay like he never thought he would……..and he’ll know what it’s like to have a visitor in the middle of the night, to hide under his blankets, to cry until the sun comes up, to hate everything he has ever known and wish he was dead……..and you will know, too, that you have lost everything even though you never had anything……because you were too scared, because you were too weak, because you were a whore……but you were never a mom, never, never, never………you were nothing, not ever a relation, nothing more than a soulless sihloutette……and I will leave you with nothing because I am taking away the only thing you ever had…….don’t you see this? Do you see? Can you even watch? You’ll have to because everyone everywhere is going to see this, and then, then you are going to cry…..but you will never cry like I have……..never………..never………….you will never hurt like this, never cry like this……..never……….and you’ll never see me cry again. Goodbye.
Everything is ready……check, check, check……everything is ready…..oh my God, I’m so nervous……….I can’t believe you are doing this, you silly bitch, but I promised, and I swore, and why did you make me promise so many times? But I know…….I know…….and I always said I would do anything if you ever just asked, and didn’t I tell you that I loved you? But that doesn’t matter now…….I have to do this……I promised I would, and then they will get what they deserve, and then you will be someplace where they can’t hurt you anymore………I know what they did, what they’ve been doing……..I can’t believe you told me, but then why did you leave it all out on your blog…….did you think I wouldn’t find it? Don’t you know that I worship you? But it’s too late for all that bullshit, and you can’t hear anything I’m saying, anything I’ve said since we talked yesterday……..all you wanted was what you wanted, and all you said was, ‘Mike, do it for me,’ and you know that I can’t not do what you say……….I have to…….I can’t help it, but you have scared me so, and I can’t get over what you are going to do……..I just don’t get it, but I do……..I do get it, I understand, but I don’t know………can’t we do something else? We can run away, we can get away, you can come up with something………you’re so smart……..and don’t you know that I love you? Oh my God, don’t you know? But of course, you do know….and it doesn’t matter because I am nothing………I am nothing to you, my dearest love………you don’t even notice me……….you don’t see me even when I am right in front of you, even when I reach out to you……..and you don’t feel my touches, but aren’t they so tender? Can’t you feel the way I touch your shoulder? Even though it scares me to do it, like you are going to break, to shatter into a million pieces…..even when I stand too close to you and you back up…..almost as if you know that if I touch you, you will break in half and fall to the floor, business unfinished………but don’t you know that I would catch you, that I would hold you close and keep you safe? And I will march right in there and kill those two if you would only let me……..my dad’s gun is in his closet……..but you didn’t hear me when I offered, hell, when I begged to set you free, to save you………you didn’t even blink an eye…………but maybe it was too late even then, and maybe no matter what you feel, you can’t do that……….maybe it’s just too easy, maybe it’s just too simple………I see the rage in your eyes, the devastation, the hours, days, weeks, months of tears that have spilled from your eyes……..the channels are worn into your face like the Grand Canyon is carved into the solid rock…….you know I can see it…….how could anyone miss it? Everyone talks about it, but you know that you are the subject of every sideways look, every note passed, every party crowd laugh……..but you say nothing……….you only take it, take it in………and I wonder where all that hate goes……….but maybe now I know……..maybe now I understand that it has been bottled up inside you, and maybe now, finally, you are ready to act, ready to move on………I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there to do something more, my dearest Emily………but I won’t fail you now……..I won’t………..I’ve done everything you’ve asked, can’t you see? I’ve been true, and I’m here now, and the camera is on and filming, the lighting is good, the sound is perfect although while I see your lips moving, I hear no words………..the angle is perfect……..the chair is perfectly positioned and I can see you through the viewfinder, that blank look on your face again…….what are you saying? Who are you talking to? Why can’t you say it out loud? But it won’t matter when everyone sees it……it won’t matter what you said, only that you are there now with that slim cord around your neck, and you are looking so beautiful………..oh, Emily, I love you……….I can’t say it enough………and I swear I will do what I said……………I will give you that last satisfaction……….just kick the chair away, but not yet, not yet, please, not yet……………..no! please, Emily, please, just ask me to help you, just look at me, just cry out, and I will come running…….please……….how can you ask me to do this? How can you? Don’t you know I’ll never be able to look at this again? And you know it won’t be on there long…………once I post it, it will get a million downloads, and then they will catch on and pull it……….will it be enough? Will you have your revenge then? Will your mom get the message? I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me for not being strong. I love you, I love you, I love you…...............................goodbye.
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momsgirl2 reviewed Version 2 -
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brand_new_kate reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good piece. You know I’ve read it before. I would say this, and the previous reviewer touched on this a bit….I’d suggest a few more breaks…not so as to lose the momentum you’re clearly trying to create, but rather to provide a touch more structure and direction. That might help to focus the story.
This is a great premise. I think increased focus through a touch more structure will give you additional momentum and impact.
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camawin reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this as a premise has some potential but there needs to be something there to get a reader interested in your characters.
It kind of reads like senseless melodrama as it stands.
some good descriptions here:
your rancid breath, a mixture of booze, cigarettes and vomit first thing in the morning.
engage me with your characters and you would have a winner here.
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