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Poetry / You are so adorable
“You………………………..are………………………so………………..adorable.”
I had never spoken those words before.
Nor had I ever stated them the way I did – grand, poetic, loving,
coming from the deepest recesses of my Soul,
as if those were the only words I would ever speak again from then on,
every word to be savored for its rich flavor,
every word, a scented flower of rich fragrance in its best moment,
as if Love itself had incarnated as the Violin of My Lips, rushing to play its soothing music, its confidence-boosting, joy-spreading music,
as if those were the words that will come out of my lips before my sweet death,
as if every word was a moment in itself.
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sherard reviewed Version 2 -
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jungsnkim reviewed Version 2 -
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How you try to capture whatever the feeling was when you felt it, sadly it’s hard to tell what it was…love or infatuation. Who is it that inspired you to feel or think about writing this experience? You really should clarify that in this poem. I was thinking its a newborn baby and then saw no reference to such and then thought must be a boy/girlfriend relationship. If this was a momentus moment that you want to share with the world than get on with it and tell us more about the environment and the person…not just the oozing maybe melting feeling that you felt. This comes across as mush when you should have given the reader more.
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DarkAngel reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked the poem. Very powerful, yet subtle to be felt like a lingering
memory.
as if Love itself had incarnated as the Violin of My Lips, rushing to play its soothing music, its confidence-boosting, joy-spreading music
That line was beautiful, but a bit over doing it, and the line was too long. I especially loved the violin of my lips, rushing to play its soothing music…just genius:).
And the response was breath-takingly, astonishingly, wonderful! Awesome! Beautiful!
This line was a bit long too, using too many descriptive words. Overall, it was a nice poem with a lot of feeling and depth.
Meire_Akilah reviewed Version 2 -
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Very nice descriptive detail. ”...as if Love itself had incarnated as the Violin of My Lips, rushing to play its soothing music…” This line I thought was really poetic. The words “You… are… so… adorable…” must have an interesting story behind this for you. Overall, I thought this was a really great poem!
rhaecates reviewed Version 2 -
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Either someone called the writer adorable or the writer beheld something adorable. Either way we know how you felt but as a reader I’m not sure what you felt that way about. Not that you always have to spell out to the reader what you are thinking word for word but I would have liked a little more to grab onto. That is only my opinion. I do like the way you show how important the words are by saying ‘as if those were the words that will come out my lips before my sweet death’ and other ‘as if..’ lines. I think that really does show the reader how important those words were in the situation you are talking about. I would have liked to know the event that caused the ‘you are so adorable’ to be so appropriate. Perhaps I’m being a nosey reader but that’s my lack in this.
Zanladar reviewed Version 2 -
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coming from the deepest recesses of my Soul,
this line needs to go! it’s a great poem. but lines such as these are commonplace in poetry and overused. recesses of my soul is a lazy way to describe what you feel!
the_girl_in_the_shadows reviewed Version 1 -
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I agree that it could use some more vivid imagery or metaphors. Maybe by describing more of the moment itself, the context, the way the person looked, the colors, the sounds. I think the last 2 lines are the best in the whole poem.
I’m not sure how the first line is working, though. The periods are a little bit excessive—and “adorable” to be honest is a really prosaic word to highlight in such a dramatic way.
The poem is very sweet, a little bit too sentimental for my tastes. But as a sweet and sentimental piece it works, I would say submitting it to Hallmark makes sense.
foodforthought reviewed Version 1 -
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Fist let me say. WOW. Then let me say. Sensory journey. I love it how you flatter her first. Savored and flavor. A rhyme with in a line. Beautiful. Taste, then smell, then sound, and lastly a the soul. Time is all through it. You flatter yourself in the last part, which is, I suppose, what you mean by self love. Absolutely amazing. Keep writing.
Greta_Garbo reviewed Version 1 -
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this is so sweet…
its so pure and from the heart that i would feel bad even adding my two cents…
you should submit to hallmark…
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