Very helpful info, I will take into consideration your criticism. This was not meant to be a story with a line, more along the lines of something theraputic. That is why i listed it under journal/ diary, in hopes to come across those that can relate. I truly appreciate you reading through the whole thing and your honest reply’s. But i feel that it did follow what the title was/ and thats all that it was A Break up Letter. It is just a thought that i put down in one shot, in just a couple of hours… Thanks for the review.
Teddy
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / The Break-up Letter ! ! !
The Break up Letter…
2004/2005 ?
I thought that I could do this, but I can’t. I cannot speak to you anymore. The amount of pain, loss, and longing from you has become unbearable for me.
I know what things I have to do, in order to preserve my sanity, to remain free of mind, body and spirit. I must finally and forever break loose from you and the wicked web you have weaved for my life. You were not the kind of person that I needed to be with, and I knew it from the start. I alone deal with that regret daily. You had disguised the way that you loved me by manipulation, which in turn, had created a loss of respect for myself all intertwined with fear. A fear of loving you, a fear of losing you, and the fear of loathing you, forever. You are not the person that I did fall in love with, and I realize that you never will be, due to your haughtiness, selfishness, and highly inflated ego.
You took from me all of the things that I have tried to pass onto you…
Years of my knowledge, my wisdom, teaching you acceptance of yourself, to love yourself first and foremost- all of which are things I have already learned before I met you. You took them without knowing how to replace them within me, to replenish my heart, mind and soul. So that I could continuously love you unconditionally, love each other unconditionally.
You stripped me down throughout the years like the erosion of sand of the shores from the tides that ebb. Like the reversal of a sapling tree that is supposed to grow layers of thick bark to protect itself, and when you cut that tree down in half, you see the many rings of life, the notches, the years of drought, the years of plenty. I see myself in the likeness of “that tree” that you so frequently use that analogy of. But I see that my relationship with you as starting out as the healthy and fruitful and useful in total reverse- to weathered, withdrawn, neglected, and then ultimately uprooted and discarded as refuse, just like a houseplant that you bring home strong, beautiful then quickly loses its novelty and interest, til it gets weak and frail, then put out so that you do not see your own failures… Ain’t that about right?
The things that you have done to me had left an irreparable scar that festers with disease and blisters from being burned by you one too many times in my heart and mind. The constant lying, cheating, deception, non-acknowledgement of my feelings, or even very substantial fears that I have about you. How to trust you? How to pay the rent?, etc. left me in such dark place. The way that your life suddenly now mimics mine; all of the things, moments, people, family, friends, and cars, but I now understand my mother’s words of wisdom- misery loves company- and you wanted me to be as miserable as you.
When I was happy you were not, you made sure to plot, be conniving, and scheme- to rob me of the simple joys that I have had in my life, before I met you. You have a new niece that you can nurture and protect now, when that happened in my life, you were not around, and not even concerned. The car that you were going to get represents to me a good slap in the face, because you thought you were a “hot boy”, always trying to upstage me, and outshine me. But reality will reveal to you that: Being in a selfish competition with the one you love is never beneficial to either persons. And you can quote me on that…
After taking you to thousands of places to see your family and friends, never once helping with the car note, insurance, maintenance, and without any consideration of gratitude. A thank you at least would have been nice, but you know what happens when people get too comfortable. To get mad at me because I would not let you drive my shit, because you fucked your own driving record in Long Island. You were very “tight” about that because you did not deserve anything. Especially a wide open invitation to use me? I think not. You would only put me down, or my car when I had problems with it, I never asked you for help with anything, not tuition, bills, anything, because you needed to know that I was always responsible and independent.
You were the one that lost countless jobs because you couldn’t get your ass out of the bed. I never asked for anything, and never received anything. Well most importantly what I asked you to give me several times throughout the years, to learn how to humble yourself, and act like my best friend again- not my enemy, or be in competition with me…
My friends- and the way I had to fight to try and keep them. All because of your jealousy. Of where my attentions had to go at the moment. I had to fight to keep their allegiance. To not allow you to strip me of everything. To you- mentally or emotionally, to see me crippled and helpless by you. You thought that would bring me closer to you, to make me depend on you more, for you to feel wanted and needed. And I did want you and need you, but if I couldn’t say what I felt (because when I spoke my mind), you made me pay for it either physically or mentally.
To bring truth to the light, your truth- the truth of how you used and abused me, to try and control me. Because you were out of control.
You had no clue on how to heal yourself, never wanted to take heed to my premonitions, of the actions you have taken against me spitefully and vindictively. And now it seems that you have been trying to fight for the same things I used to, to keep friendships with Felix and Jose. But the difference is how you acquire those friends and maintain a respectable space with your friends. And you still call Jose; after I confronted you about the picture he took of you naked in our bed. If it were me- I would be six feet under by your hands right now.
You never had to go to work with ANY bruises, aches or pains from an argument. Have YOU?
Strong isn’t it, but that is how unfair you were, how unbalanced, and how intimidating you were to me. But there is NO comparison to the damage and hurt that you have given me throughout the years.
RECIPROCITY of the respect that I have shown you throughout the years, the way my life was to live in peace and in harmony with you, for you, was my ultimate goal to achieve- but I tried to make you happy, by going along with whatever, just to keep you happy, especially when I was not.
Intermission- Hand Cramps…
I used to be a kind and loving individual, I used to be outgoing, I used to be ME. Now I don’t know who I am, what I stand for anymore, none of the things that I love to do, don’t interest me anymore. I have never kept in contact with someone that I have been with or fooled around with, especially a “friend”. I never had to lie about where I was going and what I was doing. If I had to lie, it was because I was trying to do the right things- things you resented me for, even hated about me, because they were all GOOD things. Go to the weddings that I was invited to, or fix up my mother’s house by taking on big projects every year. Spend time with my friends by having a slumber party and watching movies all night and playing card games.
I know that you have your excuses for why all those things have been taken away from me, or the importance of those things to me have diminished into nothing. I resent how you watched me go down and did not care enough to stop all the drama that you had caused weekly, monthly, yearly. To know that you do have some insight to knowing right from wrong, and using your better judgment. A Socio-Path is your title, because of what you lack, a conscience- a heart, sympathy or compassion.
For the most part I guess you did show that you cared in your own way, the only way you knew how, by hiding so much from me. I never wanted or expected your dishonesty, of where you’ve been, who you’re with, or your true dreams or goals. And if you wanted to fuck someone else 24/7, then god-dammit, you should have been truthful and honest. Been man enough to let me know the deal. To step up to the plate and just say that “I just did not do it for you anymore”. I can handle that. In order to not let me endure the manipulating head games and hidden innuendo’s, within what you say as opposed to the things that you do.
Trust me you never did it for me either (I faked plenty of times). I have never boosted your ego before and am not gonna start now. I should of let you know that you were not all that. It will be my fault when you get with the next one and they are disappointed too. I should of shown you the difference between “making love” and “fucking”, or just experimenting with sex. You were just a coward that needed a “chicken head” costume to match.
You just kept rebelling, and I guess so have I. Both of us became two whiny brats, who just threw tantrums when the other did not succumb to gratifying each other. The sex and love making- of how I still tried to make things happen between us, you made me grovel and beg, just for attention, affection- because I’ve always known and thought that there was still a mutual attraction felt between us, still after eight years. Not expecting rejection, because you had turned and poisoned that as well, by showing me selfishness, disrespect, and unfaithfulness.
You kept doing what you wanted to do, which was my problem. A blatant expression of a lack of respect that you have for me. I did let you know every step of the way what problems I did have from you, and that cooking for me or drawing a bath for me cannot make up the lack of trust that you needed to replace in our relationship.
You have emotionally raped me of the sacred and wonderful things that made me- me. You have no idea what I have sacrificed, to help get your life back on track, just to be able to get you forever out of my life. I even sometimes forgot my own game plan, and started believing that I was as worthless as you saw me.
I forget that there was a method to my madness, to make you believe that you always had the upper hand, believe that you were Don Magic Juan, that you were gods gift to end all and be all in my life, that I was paralyzed without you. But in reality I am glad that you are able to pick back up your life now, because I know that we have brought each other down negatively. But all that I have tried to do throughout the years was try to love you, because that is what you so desperately needed, and I’ve always known never to bring a stray dog home, and my mistake is that I went against my better judgment.
Se la Vie, you were so in need- of it all. You needed someone to rely on- when you called I was there, You needed someone to cry to- I gave you my open arms and shoulder that you left snot on many times. You basically just needed me to be with you at all times to fill that void of loneliness and dysfunction within your heart. I tried to repair the things that made you sad.
I tried to take on your problems, while trying not to drown in my own. But you fought me every step of the way. I have been through so much in my life with you, and not most- ALL of it was unnecessary. You did ultimately think that you broke me, thought you have stripped every ounce of my energy, pride, self-esteem, caring and loving for others, then to leave, puffed full of a false pride.
Intermission- Cramps…
In actuality I shielded you from taking responsibility for your actions. Consistently ignoring issues and conveniently forgetting in order to not feel any guilt, empathy or remorse. And you could always pick yourself back up like nothing happened.
You seem to forget that I was your rock- you were never mine, and why is that, #1 you don’t believe in god, you never believed in me- but you always bragged to your friends all of my accomplishments, but funny thing is you never praised me to my face. You only believed in yourself, and when you do things out of selfishness or jealousy, you will not receive any blessings. This is something your mother should of instilled in you as a child- but she was always to busy being your example of how to fuck up. Your learned behavior of how to connive, plot, and scheme your way to what you want, never knowing what hard work, determination or responsibility are about or how to attain these traits without trampling and crushing the good, humble, and meek ones due to the constant imbalance within yourself.
I know that we have both catered to each other in ways that we shouldn’t have, you going out to clubs- me staying home or at friend’s houses. Me seeking refuge from you and all the problems into alcohol and smoking. You seeking a refuge from me- finding your way into the arms of someone else, even in our own bed no less. Your blatant arrogant behaviors by the things you have done are inexcusable. And it is sad that your so-called friends and family have no idea the extent of rage and violence, or death threats I have endured in my life with you.
It hurts sometimes even more because there were not always negative times, the good things were there, and that is what kept me coming back to you. We did somehow share a true love and bond in the beginning that I know will never be replaced by another. The way that we used to get pimples at the same time, in the same exact spots, the way that you felt comfortable with me digging and picking at your body, now it seems easy for you to be comfortable with other people too, and it hurts. I still cant understand how can you ask your friend to take a nude photo of you, or wind up in your bed? All part of being spiteful; retaliation and rebellion because you literally drove me crazy, and I needed time and space away from you to recuperate from you. And that is just one instance, I asked you to be truthful and honest with me always, even if the truth hurts, I know that you tried to spare my feelings, about the shit you were into, but anything done in the dark will always and eventually come into the light. I needed to know what you were doing with other people, and if you were protecting yourself, as well as respecting me. But you didn’t. I needed the trust from you to help me heal, to love you without conditions. But you didn’t.
You ran away from your problems, like you always do. And I was always left to clean them up. After every apartment I would clean and straighten up, patch up the holes in the walls from your fits of rage. After you lost every job, and the feelings of being overwhelmed once again with the burden of again stopping my life to help build you back up and get on your feet over and over again. Let me know, because I thought that I had the right to be fed up and tired, maybe you thought that my patience was endless?
You looked at all of things that I could no longer do for myself as a weakness, me drowning in debt, working two jobs, going to school full time, were my problems- and still my first responsibility was always to make sure that you have food in your fridge and transportation money, to get back and forth to the next job. I know that you feel justified in many things like me abandoning you emotionally, but you actually thought that you were a victim of society, or that you were supposed to be rewarded by me not taking time out for myself, and all of the things that you consistently did towards me. I take plenty of responsibility for keeping the cycle going and not saying NO to you, or ENOUGH, I could never put my foot down. I was always damned if I did something, or if I didn’t do something.
You wanted to prove a point so badly, that you should be given some leeway, to have more freedom to come and go as you please within the relationship. Even after the constant “jerking off”, not being intimate with me, the video tapes and magazines that always were stashed around the apartment, the constant new phone numbers from guys that you meet in the clubs, the making me feel like less of a person, the beating of my ass when you didn’t get your way, I would take busses, trains, and even ride my bike for miles to get to where you were. AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THAT: “IF YOU CAN’T BEAT ‘EM, JOIN ‘EM” MENTALITY? I don’t think so.
Condone you doing me dirty, or taking my kindness as a weakness?
Take all of my dreams and hard work of owning a house with you, having good careers, our own family, all of the values and morals I was raised with and turn my beliefs into a debauch way of life because you were a sex addict? You were a “sick” person and you know I knew that, but you had no right trying to better yourself off of my good natured personality. To disillusion me into a life you did not want, a good/ clean, wholesome and meaningful life. To know that there is nothing out there in the world that will fulfill your needs. I know that Satan is very busy, and he was busy in your heart, to use you as a tool to break my spirit and my faith in God.
I can look back upon everything and sum up that our lives have taken separate paths. I can accept that now, I couldn’t then because of the constant manipulation and the way you literally pounded into my head to make the relationship work, to come up with new ideas and solutions to our problems. To try to fix them in a positive perspective- because I was always so negative thinking to you. And what you needed to fix of yourself for me never happened, I only got little compromises, or never got changed at all. It only worsened into a enflamed spiraling damnation to me being in hell.
A living Hell is what I have endured from you, and not one fuckin’ person, not even your sister Debbie, would help to guide you right. And I know that you are going to say that I don’t know what things you talk to people about, but that has always been my point. I am the one you were in a relationship with- not them! You kept important things from me, or came to many conclusions on your own with their help- and that is fine- advice is advice. Not keeping me posted or informed of what you were thinking or how you felt was the problem. And I also feel that the people that you talk to were always so misinformed, there is always two sides to a story, and they were never given the full truth as to your doings, but shit I do was always public record.
It was always your side of things that they heard, when they encourage you to leave me, because your happiness and well being is so greatly at risk and so important. I know now that I have every right to be angry about those things, but I tried to shield you from the guilt and shame, and hurt that you have in your heart towards the ways that you have treated me- especially knowing that I was never deserving of it, but this was my test, my life lesson that I had to re-learn. To reinforce my views, stick to my guns, and not be wishy washy, not even for love. To never give up things that others admire you for, or easily be susceptible and weak to fall for the okie doke.
If I feel alone, been dealing with things alone, then why not be… Alone.
I never had any support from you in anything that I have done and accomplished in my life. I would never get a compliment, a pat on the back, words of encouragement. I went to abuse counseling, and regular counseling on my own. I went for doctor visits and check ups on my own. I went through bankruptcy on my own. The birth of my niece, the marriage and divorce of my sister. My favorite aunt moving away for a better life, her cancer treatment, legal battles with social security and guardianship of her grand-daughter on my own.
I went through car accidents. Deaths of family and friends. Separation of my family over the years. Sasha’s scare of abnormal cells, my scare of abnormal cells. The weakening and deterioration of my grand mother that lives around the corner from me, that I have hardly seen because of your bullshit. Moving, side jobs, other people’s relationships and problems. Trying to stay positive and your backbone so that you could one day stand on your own.
Not for one minute that it would turn out to be another slap in the face. Buying yourself expensive clothes, shoes, and colognes, while I had to shop at Marshall’s, budget and ration out my money. You have had so much excess that You Know that I never asked you for a fucking thing, I just sat back and waited to see if you had it in your heart to at least offer to help me out, and you never did, but to continuously flaunt in my face the good times that you were having the dates you go on was just too much to bear. It was always about you, you being the center of attention, because of your own lack of self-esteem.
I have been through so many friends with you, them constantly in and out of your life, you never being a stable rock for me to depend on. Denise, Juana, Sal, Carlos, Adrian, Jose, Niomi, Felix, Dan and Danny, Monique, Ana, you family in Puerto Rico, your immediate family, and their problems. There are so many more people, and so many good and bad memories associated with all of them, like having Marci or Ana cover for you to go out to clubs during your vacations to Florida and Puerto Rico, and have one night stands, I can never trust those people again, nor you.
You came home to me like nothing, and slept with me, after all of those times, and all of those times all that ran into my head was what you convinced me of “that you cant use condoms because it irritates you and gives you a rash”, boy I never wanted to fall for that one, but I did. I have never known you to think about those things as concerns or fears, and if you did you never talked to me about them. I agonized everyday, every month, every year, whenever I used to get tested every other year to look out for myself. Nothing seemed to phase you.
I was lied to and mislead so often by you that I had to find proof and evidence by searching your apartments, looking on your computer, and searching your cell phone. Bringing things that were vital, to your attention. To help me solve and fix things, only to have you dismiss them. To make me feel that I was that nagging parent that was keeping you from doing things that you wanted to do, and things you should not do.
I had to raise you like a child, and just like the child who is spoiled and given whatever their heart desires, they become hard-hearted, cold, and unappreciative. They turn around and bite the hand off of the one that feeds them. I’ve always known that, and tried to prevent it from occurring. But much to my avail, it was in vain.
I can see how much jealousy and envy you have had towards me, for the life that I used to have, the family and friends that I used to have. And I blame so much on your mother for the bulk of pain and despair that you guys have endured in you younger years, and you know that I cannot stand her, but I have always went out of my way for your sake, to please you. But you kept taking and taking, and left me once again with nothing.
It used to make me feel so bad to think that the one you love is the one that harms you. I have never had such a harder task than to juggle self preservation from you, and loving someone so immensely, intently. The reasons that I have had went down so much was because I needed your help and support. I needed your reassurance, strength and backing. I expected you to recognize problems you have caused and truly change your behavior, moods and attitudes, especially towards me. Because of how many times you professed your love for me, but after you have harmed me.
You sent so many mixed messages to me. Many times I had no idea of which way to turn. Things started closing in on me quickly, and being with you no longer brought me joy. We both compensated wrongfully, and I truly enjoyed the many things we did do together. I have spent more time with you than any one else in my life. I began adding up all of the trips to the malls, trips upstate, miles that accumulated on our sneakers from exploring Manhattan. I will forvever miss the flea markets, the movies, the cuddling, and hanging out with mutual friends.
I thought that I could do this, but I can’t. I cannot speak to you anymore. The amount of pain, loss, and longing from you has become unbearable for me.
Copywrite© I.T.Bonet 2006
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gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
“I used to be a kind and loving individual, I used to be outgoing, I used to be ME. Now I don’t know who I am, what I stand for anymore, none of the things that I love to do, don’t interest me anymore.” This would make a better, more interesting beginning.
Infact, the very last paragraph is a pretty good beginning too. It summarize the realtionship.
The fact that u are going to rearagne the letter is good, because it doesn’t get my interest until a little after the middle, when u add actual details of what was done to u.
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herpen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I’ve read this all the way through without getting bored. (a rare thing here)
It definately appeals to a voyeristic urge which I am slightly ashamed of.
A story unfolds as one reads the letter. This is good, it holds the (voyeristic) reader.
It is very hard to comment upon the writing itself. In style or structure or in any other crytical way.
It is clear, readable and emotive, but it seems sometimes things are easy to write about when they are so close to us. It’s easy to find words for what we have experienced, seen, felt etc, (some of the time) not so easy to imagine something totally alien and then find the words.
I am sure the motives for putting it on Urbis for all the world to see are cathartic more than any other.
Reading the letter reveals as much about the writer as it does about the ‘character’. The character isn’t particularly interesting, I wouldn’t personally say, interesting enough to be the main protagonist in a novel.
One only has to turn on the TV to see these kinds of characters on chatshows, and (almost) everybody has had issues, or been close to someone with issues of addiction, violence, sexuality, intimacy..(the list goes on)
In fact without intending to be unkind, I would really honestly recommend not writing about this character. Find a new one for your novel. This character shouldn’t take up any more of youre energy.
It seems as if you are trying to hold on to this person by turning them into your art.
I love the line you use
‘miles that accumulated on our sneakers’
It is an absolute gem. I want to steal it and keep it in my pocket. Beautiful.
Write, just choose carefully your subject matter.
Join a class (if you haven’t already) write about stuff not close to you.
This is where developing talent enough to write a novel would lie.
(I’ve not written one but years of churning out personal pathos, I’ve finally realised, won’t get me where I want – It’s also alot less fun!)
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