“our” at the end means both loves…and all loves…in this life…
thank you very much for the review!
Poetry / Death inspires
Autumn winds rip past my face
a touch of death inspires
for love is at its highest
in the hour of mourning
yes, our love when i was lonely
my mind recalled so sweet
till i found another
and held him captive in my sheets
oh! how i hold such disdain
for all that i crave
i will take our love
i will take our love to the grave
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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Most poems that equate death and love make me want to puke. In this poem, I detected a note of irony and insight that made me love it.
I think you missed an opportunity for a witty play on words by not using “mourning” as its homonym “morning” especially given your theme of new love creating the death of the old love.
Given the content of the rest of the poem, writing of love being transitory, I found the last two lines to hold a delicious hint of irony, I hope I’m not mistaken.
Overall, extremely good.
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blackmare88 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked the flow of your poem. It’s cool how you picked death as a theme and turned it to something positive. I liked the line how “love is at its highest/ in the hour of mourning.” That’s so true. One part that confused me is when you say “our” at the end, do you mean your old love or this new one? Very powerful last line.
kritzic reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the line that love is at it’s highest in the hour of mourning, it is really good. The entire poem is good and puts the idea of feeling like you are cheating and hating yourself for it right out there. The promise to take the love to the grave sums it all up and explains the reason for your disdain of your needs.
riversmonkey2k reviewed Version 1 -
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This looks like a first draft to me, the themes are in place and there a couple of decent lines but it seems too raw.
The first line for instance is too extreme just because of the word ‘rip’ it destroys the power of the poem and sets the poem on the back foot.
The last six lines are tight, my advice is to rework the first six lines and build to the interesting ‘tragic’ ending
Jadugara reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting, I like the mood. The imagery could be strengthened and elaborated on. I do like the idea of this piece though. Glad I read it.
StarLightLover reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an amazing idea. I never really have considered how the seasonal change can make us think of events from our lives.
It makes me think of a young romance that did not quite know which direction it needed to follow. After it ended, the speaker believed that the loneliness of life progressed until love found her again. However, I cannot decide if the second lover was kept.
I like the idea of holding on until death though. I know the feeling very well and I’m pleased that someone else was capable of putting it into words for me to read.
Great Job.
Retniapdoolb reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it. It was short and to the point. Also, I liked the theme. It flowed nicely but you might want to put in some puncuation(Sp?) good job
~~Retniapdoolb
Cavol reviewed Version 1 -
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I had to read this multiple times to figure out where one thought ended and the other began. I think I may have gotten it though. The most confusing lines were, “yes, our love when i was lonely/my mind recalled so sweet” which I assume means you had sweet memories of the departed when you were feeling lonely. Why not just say that if that’s indeed what you mean? Simplify instead of placing the subject of the line in places that make it awkward to read? Punctuation would help as well to determine if one line is supposed to run into the next or if a pause is required. So I have a question: Is “all you hold in disdain” feelings you’ve acquired for a new person or what?
Marlowe reviewed Version 1 -
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pretty good, course i’m biased towards anything relating death. but yeah, sometimes love really is at it’s highest during mourning. sometimes you don’t know what you have until you lose it. overral pretty good, although you could argue that the last bit about the grave is a bit cliche but other than that, good.
Zanladar reviewed Version 1 -
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not bad, but the repetition in the final two lines seems out of touch with the rest of the poem. in some instances it’s great to add a touch of reinforcment in the readers mind, however this instantly stands out and leaves one dissapointed with what could have been.
‘yes, our love when i was lonley
my mind recalled so sweet’
a hiccup in the flow.
i like this poem, it just needs that added oomph or a saddened touch at the end.
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