Poetry / The Cold Unwelcome

The blue sea slams into the shore
dark clouds dance with rain
lightning pounces the ground
thunder yells at all who will listen
the boat rocks back and forth
the storm is viscous and demanding
the boat takes in water and barely stays afloat
pushed further and further from the shore
lost and empty except for the cold unwelcome water

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Reviews

March 03, 2008

robinDEredwine

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	92.7% (96 votes)	100.0%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	F	Lexington, KY	April 22

robinDEredwine reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This has SUCH tremendous potential. But like a story that is TOLD versus one that unfolds, it feels like this poem is being TOLD. Let me show you what I mean…

Blue waves slam against weatherbeaten (or unsuspecting) rocks
Dark clouds pregnant (or heavy) with rain
lightening streaking rhythmic dance steps against the ground

I’m not suggesting what you have isn’t GOOD…I’m just saying that somehow a picture is painted with certain words. You have a BEAUTIFUL start…now tweak it, and you’ll have something wonderful!! I look forward to reading more of your work…Robin