Romance / A Leisurely Thing
“It’s raining.”
He smiled briefly at her even though her upturned face wasn’t looking at him. He would have liked to gaze into those cobalt blue eyes as she had observed this; for some reason she always had a dreamy yet intense look when she talked about the rain. Perhaps it was that water was her element, and being so surrounded, so completely encompassed by it surpassed any other feeling of joy she would ever be presented with.
She touched the cool glass with her fingertips, then gingerly pressed her cheek to it.
“I can feel it, Connor. I can feel the rain, each drop.”
Those eyes locked on his and she smiled, no, grinned, the expression childlike in it’s sincerity.
“Come here,” Aislyn held out her thin, white hand, waving it when he didn’t respond immediately. “I want to share this with you. Soul mates do that, don’t they?”
She was so innocent. Yet at 22 she was far more mature than any other woman he’d ever met. Far more woman than any woman he’d ever met. A stunning Celtic Warrior Goddess. His Morrigan.
Connor walked over to where she stood, ending up behind her, making sure to put enough distance between them that they wouldn’t make contact even if he leaned forward. He was careful like that, careful with her. The 15 years between them raised eyebrows and stirred gossip, and he felt that, being the older of the two of them, he shouldn’t be leading her on. Though in the past few weeks he’d begun to believe that Aislyn was in the lead. She had him by the heart…among other organs. And though they’d never touched more than to pass an item or brushing by accident, the feel of her skin was firmly implanted in his fantasies.
“Here, put your hand on the glass.”
Aislyn noticed his hesitation but didn’t comment. She was well aware of what was said when their backs were turned, and sometimes even when they were present. She was also aware of how hard it was for him to stand apart, not touching her, though she could still feel his breath on the back of her neck.
And so she let him place his own hand to the rain-streaked glass.
“Can you feel that? It’s amazing, isn’t it,” she said, after he’d offered that brief, dimpled smile again in response. “water is so powerful, but so gentle, too. It’s…conditional.”
Like so many things, she thought as she turned back to the outside world.
Trees were leaning away from the wind as it whipped the branches and their leaves into a frenzy, making it look like some mad, dancing puppet, it’s strings tangled, limbs twisting frantically. There was a faint scraping sound as one tree, by the window, desperately scratched at the pane. Aislyn shuddered at the image.
He noticed her shiver, and would have loved to replace the arms she wrapped around herself with his own, but he kept his distance.
Lightning struck not too far away, and a few seconds later the heart-stopping sound of thunder followed.
Aislyn jumped, stepping backwards and into Connor’s solid form. She turned quickly to apologize and found herself looking up into his slanted green eyes. A stuttered form of her sentence crossed her lips, but not before he moved to the side, pulling her with him.
“Stay away from the window; come back to the fire. It’s warm. The chill of the rain got to you through the glass. Here,” he pushed a glass of whiskey to her, “I found a store of it. Should also help warm your insides.”
That faint smile, the one you could barely see but found so rewarding nevertheless showed momentarily as she took it, and he reached for another.
“Thank you,” she mumbled.
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Wow, you’ve done a great job here. Story is good and original. Your description CAN be out of this world. I.E. “Those eyes locked on his and she smiled, no, grinned, the expression childlike in it’s sincerity.” But, sometimes it’s harder to follow. I.E. ”He noticed her shiver, and would have loved to replace the arms she wrapped around herself with his own, but he kept his distance.” I believe the difference is editing. The hardest part you’ve done. You’ve created a good story to tell people, one they want to listen to. The next hurtle, you jumped; you got it on paper. So much of it is done. Invest the time for your edit, and I believe you’ve got a winner.
:) Robin
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If this is a piece of a story it would be better to have the rest in order to form a proper opinion.
As it stands on it’s own I would say it’s not bad at all. I like the atmosphere that the rain and the storm outside gives.
I would advise you not to space out your writing like that as it is easier to read when it is in proper paragraphs and may help your reader get into the flow of it more.
I was curious as to the setting and the situation of these characters, which is probably due to the fact that this is a piece of a story, although my curiosity is a good thing because it means that I would want to read more.
The only part I didn’t like was at the end when “she mumbled”. I felt that the female character had more strength and i felt that this contradicted the earlier description of her being “more in the lead”. If she was then I didn’t believe that she would mumble.
The ratings I have given are purely down to the way this piece is now and does not reflect what it may be if it were read as a whole story, which i feel would be higher.
What talent for your age I can imagine how good you’ll be if you take up writing as a career and work hard on it over the next few years. I enjoyed how you described the emotions of the man and obviously the love he has for her, which I think to a degree is returned, maybe she doesn’t know it yet. It was a fun read and filled with imagery, well done and best of luck.
Your first sentence hooked me into reading the entire piece. It flows well, too, but I didn’t really understand your sentence in the second paragraph that starts with “Perhaps…”. Maybe you could re-read that sentence and phrase it better?
Also, these words--> she smiled, no, grinned <--could be better if you put in dashes instead of commas, so that it reads like this—> she smiled – no, she grinned – her expression childlike in its sincerity.
The ending is good! It has some sort of suspense because Aislyn didn’t mean to back into Connor like that, but she did, and that’s why it’s good. But I think it would be better if you use the word “murmured” instead of “mumbled” at the end of this piece.
I can definately feel the emotion in this piece. The words and descriptions were very nicely put, and all of the paragraphs seemed to flow into one another very good, without being rushy. This story leaves me wanting more. Please let me know if/when you publish the next part to this story! For someone who hasn’t written in a year, your talent obviously hasn’t suffered or rusted away at all. Keep it up!
Take Care and God Bless,
Sarah Joy
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